Day 9 (I think?)

Day 9 (I think?)
.5 games ahead in division, 1 game back in wild card

I'll be honest, I barely watched last night. I was busy screaming at the television as Cal went down in horrid flames against a WAC school. Being a Cal fan is like being a Giants fan but worse because Cal doesn't have Buster Posey.
While Cal was getting torched, the Giants were getting....somethinged. They lost 3-0 to a team that has no pitching. They made 2 errors. They allowed Randy Wolf to throw a complete game shutout against them. It was just...lame.
And yet, it lacked a dramatic sense of foreboding, because in St. Louis, the Padres were getting beaten like they'd attacked Tony LaRussa's shelter for stray pitbulls. And while LaRussa didn't come running out of the shower with a towel around his waist yelling like a crazy man...

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/La-Russa-angry-and-wet-after-Phillips-calls-Card?urn=mlb-261411

...what the Cardinals DID do was hammer Mat Latos and the rest of the Padres pitching staff 14-4.

With the Padres self-destructing, Giants fans have to feel good. Oh God. Wait. I almost forgot.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/recap?gid=300917119

Thank you, Dodgers. You're so helpful.

As for the wild card, the Mets were predictable yesterday, staking themselves a 3-0 lead before giving up 6 runs in one inning to a team that last week got shut out by the PIRATES.
Tonight, Timmy Slim Timmy Jimmy Jim is on the mound. But the thing with the Giants is, it doesn't really matter who pitches as long as it's not Zito. It's not like Bumgarner got lit up. He gave up 2 runs. It's not like with the Rockies where they'll lose because Not-Ubaldo is pitching and then the next day they say "oh, thank goodness Ubaldo is pitching today."
The last 6 Giants losses were by the following scores:
3-0
1-0
1-0
3-1
4-2
2-1
So it's not like we lose 1-0, and then go "oh good, Sanchez is pitching tomorrow. Now we'll score more than 0 runs for sure!"

Today's Poll QuestionWhat does Tony LaRussa look like with a towel on?
A) Scrawny and weird. Does he wear his glasses in the shower?
B) I bet he's tatted up like crazy.
C) Please, Giants, please play a more interesting game today. I don't want another poll question like this.
D) Funny you should ask! See, this one time...

Day 8: First Place

Day 8: First Place
.5 games up in Division, tied for wild card

First place.
That's where winners go.
The Giants are winners.
As such, the Giants are in first place.
-Bucky Katt Paraphrased

Last night, a 1st place team beat the living crap out of a 4th place team. Nothing too fancy...the first place team hit 3 home runs, including a mammoth "you will all know my name!" shot from their rookie catcher and a "thank god, now I don't have to run after I hit the ball" shot from its aging right fielder.
The first place team's starting pitch...ok, I can't do this anymore. Guess what?? I'm talking about the Giants! Yeah! No, seriously, the whole "first place team" thing I was doing...that's the Giants! Yeah! Posey! Guillen! Giants! Gigantes! San-Fran-cis-co-Giiiiii-ants. Jonathan Sanchez had 12 k's! He even struck out Joe Torre and made him retire! He struck out Tommy Lasorda. He struck out Jackie Robinson. He struck out Pee Wee Reese AND Pee Wee Herman! The Giants are in first place! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Ahem.

Ok, so it gets better.
1) The Padres lost 4-0 to the Cardinals and looked BAD. They have 3 more games in St. Louis while...
2) We play the lame Brewers at home and
3) The Braves have to go to New York where the Mets are 41-27 (the Mets are 2-86 on the road).

Holy crap. We could do this. We could make the playoffs. And if we made the playoffs...
And our starting rotation was: Timmy, Cain, Sanchez
And maybe we'll get the Reds in the first round, and the Braves in the NLCS. And the Royals in the world series
And then...
And then...
Oh wait, this just in:
Albert Pujols ate bad sushi last night and has contracted a 72 hour bug that will cost him the rest of the Padres series. As such, the Cardinals will start a lineup consisting of 9 guys named Skip and Colby and the Padres will win the next three games by scores of 2 to 0, 1 to 0, and 0 to negative 1. David Eckstein will go 0 for 4 with 5 runs scored. And Mike Adams will do whatever it is that Mike Adams does when he's not invading Klingon territory.
Hold on, this just in:
The Mets really suck.
C'mon, Baseball Gods, can't I just have this one day? Just one? It's September, it's foggy, the Giants are in first place, and just for one day, can I dream about that parade down Market Street without having to worry about the absolute fact that something will go wrong to prevent it? Let me keep my dream. Tony Gwynn the 7th won't lead off the Padres-Cardinals game with an inside-the-park grand-slam for another two and a half hours or so. Let me have those 2 and a half hours. They belong to me, and Buster, and the Crazy Crab.
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF2NH6XxyPFkcZqoLrigOv65Kre_IrrOVOye9mEjlunmGNdNj7dTm3W_DnwCygY4godr_yznVao0Bx6qfT1B7wr1hvfLRU74rMqlrheV48chNyD9i_izXDrpUSuLyMCLl5w7QoGjbggqA/s320/crazy_crab.jpg

Today's Poll Question If GMAIL wasn't being weird and not letting Andy post pictures into this email, which picture from this entry should he have posted?
A) Jonathan Sanchez striking out Pee Wee Herman
B) Mike Adams negotiating with Klingon admirals
C) A picture of the Mets sucking.
D) A Giants championship parade down Market Street

Actually, this trivia question could be thought of as "which of these is not fictional?"
And the answer, of course, would be:
http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/touchingbase/300_thank-god.JPG

Day 7: The Stopper

Day 7: The Stopper
.5 games back in division, .5 games back in Wild Card

I like to think I know how Barry Zito's contract negotiations with the Giants went back in 2007. Something like....this...

Zito: The A's and Yankees are offering $6 million a year.
Giants: Ok, we'll give you $18 million a year.
Zito: And I want a guitar
Giants: Two! Zito: And a 5 year contract.
Giants: no, no. We'll give you 7 years.
Zito: And my own stopper.
Giants: Two stoppers! Wait, what?
Zito: You know, my own stopper. You know how every team has a great pitcher who steps up when the team is on a losing streak and acts as "the stopper"? Well, I plan on pretty much sucking most of the time and I don't want the fans to spend 5 days thinking about how much they hate me. So I'd appreciate it if you could have somebody pitch right after me and be my own personal stopper. Somebody kind and gentle. Somebody with a slight twang; a married guy with 2 dogs who doesn't cheat on his wife and looks like a goober when he doesn't get his hair cut. Hmmmm...if only we had somebody like that....

(Look! He's holding that thing you use to throw tennis balls to your dogs!)

Here we go:

Aug 22: Zito loss

Aug 23: Cain win

Aug 28: Zito loss

Aug 29: Cain win

Sep 3: Zito loss

Sep 4: Cain win

Sep 8: Zito loss

Sep 9: Cain win

Sep 14: Zito loss

Sep 15: Cain win

Now, when I say "Cain Win", I don't actually mean that Cain won. I mean the Giants won. The Giants don't score runs for Matt Cain...that would be silly. Rather, they make him sweat it out, usually trailing 2-1 when he leaves, and then come back later. Or he leaves up 1-0 and the bullpen blows it and then they win later. It's all fun and games. "Aw shucks, guys," Cain will say. "Almost had a win that time!" And everyone will laugh and laugh and then everyone else goes out to the club while Cain goes home and plays scrabble with his wife.

I like Matt Cain.

Anyway, last night, the Giants broke a 0-0 tie in the 7th on an error, sac bunt, wild pitch, and 2-out bloop broken bat bloop single. In other words, we David-Ecksteined them. Take that, Fodgers. With two outs in the 9th, Andre Ethier hit a homerun off Brian Wilson to make it 2-1. Up stepped Jay Gibbons. Count goes to 1-2. Wilson winds up. And then...slow motion...he turns to Ethier.

"Hey."

(Ethier) "You talking to me?"

"Yeah. Nice hit."

"Oh. thanks."

"So, how come Rhianna's dating Kemp and not you?"

"Uh..."

"Your manager looks like droopy dog."

"uh..."

"Good talk." (Blows fastball past Gibbons to end game)

It's magic inside.

Today's Poll QuestionDid you know that the Dogers rearranged their pitching staff to make sure they threw their 3 best pitchers against the Giants?

A) No. What punks.

B) I know! They're such a bunch of punks

C) They would do that, wouldn't they. That's just like them. Ethier didn't even play every game against the Padres. God I hate the Dodgers.

D) Honestly, we'd do the same to them. Because they are punks.

Day 6: You are thinking I am making this up?

Day 6: You are thinking I am making this up?
1.5 games back in division, 1.5 games back in wild card

1 hit.
Yesterday, the Dodgers got one hit.
Wow! Great! What a big win for the Giants!
Win? Clearly you have not been paying attention.

Going into thursday, our Giants were 2 games back of San Diego. We fought and battled and won 3 huge games in a 4 game series against the Padres. On the road. We erased 2 games. Two days later, we have allowed 1 hit, and we're back to being 1.5 games back. Zito, channelling his inner Patrick Duffy (his more successful, more talented uncle from Step by Step), allowed 1 hit and no earned runs. But in the 6th the Dodgers loaded the bases and with 2 outs a ball was hit up the middle and Juan Uribe fielded it. But then he dropped it. Normal people would react by saying "damn. well, it's only 1 run and it's only the 6th inning." Giants fans knew the game was over right there. Might as well flip to the Rockies-Padres game.

Padres 7, Rockies 6
You are thinking I am making this up? It happened again. The Padres started Inspector Garland and the Rockies started Not-Ubaldo. This time the Padres went up 4-0 but of course 4-0 became 4-3. And 6-3 became 6-4. And 7-4 became 7-6 because Mike Adams was out with a sore antenna. 7-6. Bottom of the 9th. Heath Bell vs....Giambi, of course.

Jamie: "I think he's back on roids. All his fat has become muscle and he looks slightly psychotic."
Andy: "Can you imagine if he and Heath Bell chest-bumped? Watch, he's going to walk, homer, or hit the ball off somebody's head."

Giambi took 4 pitches, each of which was exactly 2 millimeters outside and each of which was called a ball.Giambi yelled 'Me hate walk!' and took a bite out of his bat before being pinch-run for. But of course the next guy hits into a double play to end the game. Shoot me now.

TODAY'S POLL QUESTION Is it normal for a team in a pennant race to lose a game in which they give up 1 hit?
A) Yes, of course. I mean, it happened yesterday.
B) I'm sure it happens all the time. I mean, it happened yesterday, and then, uh, let's see...I mean, it happened yesterday.
C) For the Giants, it's normal.
D) Shoot me now. Is that a picture of Heath Bell stuffing his face? I have a headache.

Day 5: How the West Works

Day 5: How the West Works
.5 games back in division, 1.5 back in wild card

Last summer, Collin and I spent pretty much all of our time watching the Rockies as the Giants unsuccessfully chased them for the wild card. It wasn't a pleasent experience by any means, although it did help us bond around our common hatred. See, over time, we realized that every Rockies home game is exactly the same.
1. One of the 4 Rockies starting pitchers not named Ubaldo would pitch and give up 6 runs in the first 4 innings.
2. The Rockies would trail by 4-9 runs in the bottom of the 7th at which point the other team's manager calls down to the bullpen and demands that the bullpen send him "the worst f$%ing pitcher we have. Now."
3. The Rockies immediately trim 60-80% of the lead in the 7th.
4. The other team brings in a good pitcher in the 8th and the Rockies rally but are stil trailing with 2 outs.
5. Jason Giambi is called upon to pinch-hit.
6. Every Rockies fan stands and claps, drool dribbling down their chins
7. Giambi fouls off 13 pitches and then doubles/homers/singles/hits the ball off somebody's head
8. Rockies win.

This summer, I've watched pretty much every Padres game I can. I have found that they, too, have a system.

1. One of the 7 Padres starting pitchers who nobody has ever heard of and who has a name like a French Police Inspector (Wade LeBlanc, Clayton Richard, Tim Stauffer, Cory Luebke, Mat Latos, Jon Garland) pitches 6 innings and allows 0-2 runs.
2. The Padres will score exactly 3 runs on 2 hits, 4 walks, 2 catchers' interferences, 3 errors, 5 stolen bases, and a well-placed ground ball by David Eckstein
3. One of the Padres goofy slider-throwing relievers with 2 first names (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams, Adam Russell) comes in and shuts down the other team. A new one comes in for the 8th and does the same.
4. Heath Bell pitches the 9th. I turn off the televsion. It's pointless.
5. Padres win

So last night, I was curious to see what would happen when they played each other. After all, they both can't win. Can they? CAN THEY? For the first 7 innings, everything was perfect:

The Padres started Cory Luebke who is their 8th best starter (they need extra starters for when Latos has anger management classes). He of course gave up 0 runs in 4 plus innings.
The Rockies started Not-Ubaldo. He gave up 5 runs in 7 innings.
The Rockies fell behind 5-0 and immediately scored 4 runs to make it 5-4.
The Padres brought in Gregerson and the Rockies didn't score.

And then in the 8th, it happened. The universe almost collapsed.

With 1 out and 1 on, Jason Giambi rose from the dugout like a roid-filled troll. Mike Adams stood on the mound.The TV flashed Adams' numbers: 0.9 ERA in august. 0 era in September. The count goes to 0-2. 1-2. 2-2. Giambi fouls off 8 pitches in a row.
Adams throws him a 96 mph fastball located on the outside corner and Giambi swats it foul.
Adams does his goofy "look! I'm about to balk!" windup and throws a 94mph slider at Giambi's massive right thigh, and Giambi catches the ball and eats it. 3-2.

And now I realize that the universe is about to collapse. Because Giambi can't fail and Adams can't fail. Something is going to fail and then life on earth will end. Adams throws a fastball and Giambi yells "Me hit ball hard!" and slams it on a line toward right field, but Adrian Gonzalez catches it and steps on 1st for a double play. Of course. Of course that is how it would end.

Today's Poll Question: Why has Mike Adams' right arm not fallen off yet?

A) Because half the sliders he's thrown were to Aaron Rowand and he pretty much half-assed them since the result was guaranteed
B) Because McCovey Chronicles is right: Mike Adams probably isn't even really Mike Adams. There are probably 10 different slider-throwing goofs out there, each one "formed from mud like an orc." and the Padres just change them when they break down.
C) Because God hates the Giants
D) Because somebody had to slay the mighty Giambi. Now that his work on earth is done, Adams will return to his home planet.

Day 4

Day 4: Monday, September 13

Tied for division lead, 1 game back in wild card

What a great weekend. After winning 2 of the first 3 games against the Padres (two of the games were 1-0, of course), we were all set for the finale on Sunday: Mat Latos (owner of best ERA in the majors) vs. Tim Lincecum, otherwise known as Big Time Timmy Jim.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfI8EjoBJYU

In the first inning, Latos struck out Aaron Rowand (more on the horror of that later), Freddy Sanchez, and then gave up a bloop hit to Aubrey Huff. Giants announcer Dave Fleming then remarked that Latos was showing his temper by yelling at himself about a meaningless 1st inning 2-out single. Ha! Meaningless? Not when Buster Posey is up next and hits a 2-run homer. Giants 6, Padres 1. Tied for first.

Interesting side note: Mat Latos once threw a baseball and hit Dave Fleming's car, shattering a window. True story. Also a true story: Dave Fleming, as Stanfurd's football announcer, has probably interviewed Stanfurd head coach Jim Harbaugh about his $50,000 bathroom:

http://blogs.mercurynews.com/collegesports/2009/08/24/stanford-football-harbaugh-arrillaga-and-the-50000-bathroom/

But I digress.

Those of you on this list who are not Giants fans might be thinking that all my talk about the Giants blowing it is hyperbole. Not true! Bill Simmons of ESPN.com ranks the Giants as the 6th most tortured sports franchise of all time, and given that several of the more tortured teams are from Cleveland, that's saying something. But if you want more proof, how about this? Remember when i said Aaron Rowand couldn't hurt us anymore because he never plays? Well, Sunday morning, starting center fielder Andres Torres woke up with a stomach pain.

A BAD stomach pain.

It was appendicitis.

He's out 2-3 weeks.

Which is bad because there's like 2-3 weeks left in the season. His replacement? Yep. And how did Mr. Rowand do in the Giants' 6-1 win? 0 for 5.

So now we come home to play the Dodgers, which is like playing a minor league team that really, really hates you. Meanwhile, the Padres play the Rockies, who have won 10 straight games and are only 1.5 out of first. The Rockies are so annoying, it's hard to put it into words. Hmmm. Maybe not words.How about a picture?

If only I could figure out how to post pictures to this blog. There'd be a picture of Troy Tulowitzki's mullett right here.

Today's Poll Question:Who are you rooting for? The Rockies or the Padres?

A) Well, definitely not the Padres

B) Well, definitely not the Rockies

C) Maybe it will snow? Like, a lot?

D) I am at peace with the fact that I cannot know which of these two teams will do better over the next 3 weeks and therefore I will simply observe and hope for an outcome that is beneficial to the Giants, and more importantly to Buster Posey who is all I ever need in life to be happy.

E) I'll take D, but without the creepy ending.

Day 1

Televisions in the Bay Area are awash with Giants commercials, all of which begin: "Come to the park. And see for yourself, why it's magic inside." The commercials aren't that funny, honestly, except for the slightly creepy one in which eccentric Giants closer Brian Wilson's windup becomes slow motion and he turns to a fan and asks if he's having a good time.
Wilson: "What's up."
Fan: "Are you talking to me?"
Wilson: "yeah."
Fan: "Really?"
Wilson: "yeah, you having a good time?"
Fan: "Yeah! It's awesome!"
Wilson: "Is that your girlfriend?"
Fan: "Uh, yeah, why?"
Wilson: (smirks, and then throws 96mph fastball for strike 3)

This week, I had a brilliant idea. Why not write a blog about the Giants and send it to anyone who remotely cares? That's right! 24 days of Magic! Andy's September/October Giants Blog.

Day 1: Friday, September 10th, 1 game back in wild card, 1 game back in division
Last night was awesome. I mean, really, really awesome. For those who dont' know, the Padres have killed us this year. Well, killed is the wrong word. They've beaten us to death with a nerf hammer. They've beaten us 3-2, 1-0, 5-2, 3-2, 5-2, 1-0, 3-1, 3-2 and then finally 8-2, although I'm convinced we gave up the last 5 runs in that game on purpose just to mix things up. Going into yesterday, we'd beaten them exactly 2 times, both by 1 run in extra innings. So last night, when Andres Torres led off with a triple and we hit 4 home runs and won 7-3, it felt good...magic even. The best part was, none of the Padres goofy relievers got into the game. Luke Gregerson didn't pitch. Heath Bell didn't pitch. And for the love of all that is good, Mike Adams didn't pitch.

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://roundtripper.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/mike-adams.jpg&imgrefurl=http://roundtripper.wordpress.com/2008/07/30/steeltown-usa/&usg=__7gowoq37rOgfcOuAszEOtL-NBqo=&h=2896&w=1944&sz=3921&hl=en&start=1&zoom=1&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=LhnipvzDGlQrKM:&tbnh=150&tbnw=101&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmike%2Badams%2Bpadres%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Dcom.microsoft:*%26ndsp%3D20%26tbs%3Disch:1
Mike Adams. I wish he was the guy on the left in this picture, but he's not.

The question on most Giants' fans' minds is: how will we blow it this year?Most of us assume that it will involve Aaron Rowand or Barry Zito, but since Rowand never gets to play anymore, it's hard to see how he will be the one. That leaves Zito, the only Giants starter to lose in the last 2 weeks. Of course, there's always the chance an unlikely Giant will step in to deal the inevitable crushing blow. In 2003, for instance, a guy who had made roughly 2 errors in his entire career dropped a fly ball in the playoffs. In 2004, we gave up a playoff-hope-ending grand slam to 65 year old Steve Finley. And in 2002, we....oh, I can't even go there.

How will the Giants blow it this year?Vote for your favorite choice!
A) Barry Zito takes 6-0 lead into 5th inning of decisive game and walks 11 people in a row.
B) Giants load bases in bottom of 9th of decisive game with no outs and hit into a rare quadruple play
C) They just generally suck for the next 23 days and finish like 5 games out
D) I don't know, but it will somehow involve David Eckstein



Tonight: Giants vs. Padres. Clayton Richard vs. Jonathan Sanchez. Win = tie for first! Loss = Clayton Richard beats us for 8th time this month.