6 Days Left: MARMOL!!!!!

6 Days Left

1 game up in division, .5 games up in wild card

Last night, the Padres entered the 9th inning trailing the Cubs 1-0.

Cubs closer Carlos Marmol took the mound and promptly struck out the first 2 hitters.

But these are the Padres, the luckiest, most ridiculous team in baseball history. They don't just lose. They mount Padre-Rallies.

Yorvit Torrealba, not the fastest guy in the majors named Yorvit, beat out an infield single.

Chase Headley got hit by a pitch, except he didn't, except they said he did.

Tony Gwynn Jr., he of the .204 batting average, drew a walk.

Bases Loaded.

I wasn't watching any of this, which is why my heart is still functioning.

But the folks at McCovey Chronicles, the Giants blog, were watching and kept a live blog going.

Here's the summary:

First two outs recorded: Yes, Marmol. You are awesome. Finish them off, you awesome Marmol.

Infield single: (Nervous laughter) Of course the Padres would get an infield single. Hahaha. Please God, Marmol, don't blow this.

Phantom Hit-Batter: (anger) You've got to be kidding me, that didn't even hit him. What the hell, ump? C'mon Marmol, DO THIS.

Walk to .204 hitter: (sheer terror) Strikes, Marmol! Throw strikes! What the hell is wrong with you?

Actual quote: "Marmol!! Why do you hate me?"

And: "Transcript of pitching conference: 'Thow strikes, dumbass!'"

And, of course: "Cubs baseball....torture."

But Carlos Marmol, it turns out, is the greatest human being ever and the second greatest Cubs' pitcher named Carlos who pitched yesterday. Some random Padre fllied out to left and while the Cubs' left fielder declined to use two hands to catch the ball, he did in fact catch it. Cubs 1, Padres 0.

And now, an ode to the GREAT CHICAGO CUBS, Winners of the 1908 World Championship!

Yay! Yay Cubs! Yay! Hey, where are all the black and brown people? Oh, whatever. Yay Cubs!

Seriously, I love the Cubs. Love them. Love everything about them. Their drunk fans stubbornly selling out every game despite the 95 losses. Their cute little WGN network that shows Cubs games, the Golden Girls, and Matlock. Their pinstripey uniforms. Everything. I just love the Cubs.

And that Carlos Marmol. Wow.

Yes!

----

Enough about Carlos Marmol, and how awesome he is. Meanwhile, the Braves beat the Marlins' AAA affiliate (the Ft. Lauderdale Old Jews?) 2-1, and moved .5 games behind us for the wild card. But at least the Rockies lost to the Dodgers (oh, NOW you show up!), which means any day now, I can stop thinking about the Rockies. Any day now. Like today, would be nice.

On the home front, the talk is now centered on the rotation...apparently I'm not the only one who threatened Bruce Bochy's mama's jam. The other suggestion is Lincecum Wednesday so he could pitch sunday if needed or Monday in a one-game playoff if needed. So the options are;

1) Sanchez, Bumgarner, Timmy, Zito, Cain, Sanchez

2) Sanchez, Timmy, Bumgarner, Zito, Cain, Sanchez

3) Sanchez, Bumgarner, Zito, Timmy, Cain Sanchez

But McCovey Chronicles dismissed all 3 ideas and came up with option 4

4) Cain, Cain, Lincecum, Cain, Cain, Lincecum

Bochy won't make a decision until after tonight, although most people think he'll go with options 1 or 2.

It's a 6-game season, and we have a 1-game lead.

Think good thoughts. Think good thoughts.

Thinkgoodthoguhtsthinkgogodthings.

MARMOL!

Today's Poll Question

What is the real name of the Marlins' AAA affiliate?

A) The West Palm Beach Wittle Fishies

B) The Coral Springs Chads

C) The Lake OkeeChokee Humidity

D) I don't know, but apparently they aren't as good as a demoralized, injury-plagued, scared Braves team. Dang.

One Week Left: Here we go! Weeeeeeeeee!

7 Days Left

.5 games ahead in division, 1 game ahead in wild card

If I was going to recap all that has happened since I last wrote, it would be a long email, and if all you want is game recaps, you can go to espn.com, sort through 457 articles about the Manning Brothers and the Jets, and eventually find what you're looking for.

So here's my quick recap:

Friday: Big Timmy Slim Jim awesome. Brian Wilson gets Jason Giambi to end game. Win 2-1

Saturday: Typical Coors Field horrorfest. 9-6 lead in 7th evaporates. Rockies win on walk-off groundball. Loss 10-9

Sunday: Matt Cain almost throws no-hitter. Strikes out Jason Giambi to end game. Win 4-2

Yes. Jason Giambi's voodoo has officially been destroyed. A reverse hex on the Rockies' purple dinosaur who was standing behind home plate putting a hex on Matt Cain. Seriously.

I told Jamie and Collin about the Dinosaur hex thing last night and they told me I was a big baby and that if the Giants' mascot did that I'd think it was funny. But I'm not the only one who is complaining:

http://www.the700level.com/2009/10/surprisingly-the-rockies-dinosaur-mascot-is-less-than-sportsmanlike.html

or from the Braves' blog:

I’m glad mvs brought up the stupid dinosaur behind the plate.

by ryantex on Aug 26, 2010 4:18 PM EDT reply actions

I hate that stupid thing..

..with an unreasonable hatred.

----

But I digress.

The Padres took 2 of 3 from the Reds, so we remain .5 games ahead. But the Braves continue to fall apart, losing 2 of 3 to the Nationals who have hilariously optimistic announcers, for what it's worth. It's like every day is opening day in Nationals Land and every pitcher is Stephen Strasburg, even if it's actually September, the Nats are 34 games out of first, Strasburg has Tommy John surgery on his eyeballs and the Nats are throwing out the corpse of Livan Hernandez (who is still pretty good, I admit) to pitch.

But I digress again.

So here we are. 1 week left. I don't really know how to feel about life. On the one hand, it's tough not to be optimistic...the Giants are playing well, they're at home, they're leading both races, their pitching is awesome, and the Rockies are pretty much goners. On the other hand, our leadoff hitter is dealing with "expanding scar tissue" on his stomach, our #2 hitter can hit but can't throw, the rules still prevent Buster Posey from batting in all 9 spots in the order, and, more than anything, we are still the San Francisco Giants.

Meanwhile, I am focused like a laser on the fact that the Giants should, but won't, switch Zito and Lincecum in the rotation so that Timmy pitches against the Padres Friday night. Why should they? Below the picture, I offer an indepth analysis:

In depth analysis:

1. Timmy is super duper good

2. Zito is super duper not good

3. We really need to beat the Padres.

Why won't they?

Because baseball teams just don't do stuff like that. They just don't. But I have a plan. I'm going to drive to Alabama or South Carolina or wherever Bruce Bochy's 146 year old mother lives and I'm going to inform her that if she doesn't tell her son to switch Timmy and Zito in the rotation, I'm going to bribe the county fair officials to strip her boysenberry jam of its 2009 first place ribbon.

See, that was just rude. Kind of anti-southern, even, which is not cool since I married a southerner. But this is what a Giants pennant race will do to you. It makes you crazy. It makes you think people are out to get you. It makes you irrationally angry at a giant purple dinosaur. It makes you want to hug Matt Cain (who is very huggable) but also Cody Ross (not as huggable) and maybe even Brian Wilson (a scratchy hug). It makes you go to ESPN.com and when you find out that your team has an 83% chance of making the playoffs, it makes you want to kill ESPN.com.

And tonight, it will make me sit on my couch, watching the Braves and Padres play, while the Giants rest their various ailments (Torres: stomach, Sanchez: shoulder, Zito: wallet engorgement) and, despite all the reasons for optimism, hold a pillow over my face while waiting for the Cubs and/or Marlins to do something stupid that will ruin everything.

At least the Rockies are done.

Or.

Are they?

Today's Poll Question: What is the name of that dinosaur?

A) Dino-Whino

B) Dinger

C) Pokey-mon.

D) Jason Giambi

Hey! A poll question with an actual correct answer! I feel this is progress, somehow.

10 Days Left: Die, Rockies, Die!

10 Days Left

.5 games ahead in division, tied for wild card

Last night, I was relaxing at home on my couch, having just watched the Dodgers actually beat the Padres. The Giants had already won 13-0 (of course). The Braves had the day off. All that was left was to watch the Rockies get swept by the Diamondbacks and the day would be a total success. I propped my feet up on the coffee table and continued my fascinating book on the Iran-Iraq war (definitely Iraq's fault) and barely paid attention as the Diamondbacks took a 10 to 6 lead into the bottom of the 8th in Arizona.

Of course, my baby decided this was a good time to wake up and cry.

Goodbye, Ayatollah. Goodbye, Rumsfeld. Goodbye, Troy Tulowitski. (Axis of evil! Axis of evil!)

Hello Rachel.

I fed my baby and as I rocked back and forth in the rocking chair, completely at peace with the world and the pennant race and also the pennant race, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm overtake me. Everything is going to be...ok...

My baby girl drifted gently to sleep and I laid her in the crib and turned on the sound of softly rushing water on her mechanical sheep.

I tiptoed out of the room, and into the living room, and GOOD GOD! IT'S 10-9 IN THE 9TH INNING AND THE ROCKIES HAVE TWO GUYS ON! WHY DON'T THEY EVER JUST DIE? DIE, ROCKIES, DIE!!!!

Well, they died. Franklin Guittierez struck out Melvin Mora on a 3-2 pitch and gestured to The God of Diamondbacks Relievers, who had been on vacation for the past 6 months but returned just in time to save Arizona from losing a game in which they were ahead 8-2 in the 7th inning.

So it comes to this. Giants vs. Rockies. The un-dead zombies are staggering around, wounded, just needing a little stab in the heart to be finished off, and the Giants hitters are going to pass the knife around "You do it!" "No, you do it!" until finally Matt Cain does it by himself.

The Rockies are 3.5 games back.

The Padres are half a game back having actually scored fewer runs than the Dodgers in a game.

And the Braves continue to hide in the corner, hoping nobody in the NL West will notice them, hoping nobody will notice that they peed themselves (losing 3 in a row to Philly), drooled on themselves (losing 2 of 3 at home to the Nats) and, well, completely crapped themselves (losing 2 of 3 last week to the Pirates)

9 games left.

Basically what the last 3 days told us is that this isn't going to end anytime soon. Three teams separated by .5 games, fighting for 2 spots. And the Rockies staggering around in the background, screaming about how somebody needs to get them some goat blood so they can regenerate.

Two notes:

In the last 3 series, the Giants have scored: 0, 2, 10. Then: 0, 1, 9. Then: 1, 0, 13. That's just weird. Stop it, Giants. Just stop.

And, the Giants set a record yesterday, having allowed 3 runs or less in 17 games in a row. Yes, you read that right. Our record in those 17 games? 11-6. Think about that. Stare at the picture of the parrot above, and then think about that more harder.

9 games left.

Somebody please rock me to sleep and turn on my mechanical sheep. I'm going to need it.

Today's Poll Question:

Which Part of the Giants' win yesterday was the most ridiculous?

A) Juan Uribe hitting 2 homeruns in 1 inning

B) Our pitcher getting 2 hits in 1 inning

C) Jose Guillen getting plunked twice in 1 inning

D) Aaron Rowand striking out 5 times in 1 inning

E) All of it. ALL OF IT.

11 Days Left: Frodo Failed, Miguel Tejada has the ring

11 Days Left

.5 games back in division, .5 games back in wild card

I don't have time to write an update today, I'm way too busy at work and I'm leaving early to go coach youth baseball which, unlike watching the Giants, makes me happy.

How about this. I'll start writing updates again when the Giants start scoring runs.

Deal?

Deal, Cody Ross?

Deal, Pat Burrell?

Deal, Aubrey Huff?

Deal, Buster Po...oh, sorry, yeah. Haha, never mind.

I'll start writing updates again when the Fodgers actually show up against the Padres.

They've now lost 5 in a row to San Diego. Since when is Los Angeles supposed to lose anything five times in a row to San Diego? What does San Diego have that Los Angeles doesn't? Name one thing. More old people? No. Los Angeles has more of every kind of people. there are probably more people who were born in San Diego living in Los Angeles than are living in San Diego. More Republicans? Not even that. Name one thing.

Aw hell, Giants! I'm sorry if I seem mad. I'm not. You know I love you. Please just try to score some runs, ok? You've scored 1 run in 2 games so far on this road trip. And you're 1-1. So it's ok! You can do it! Please, for the love of all that is good, "do it."

Do it for my dad.

Do it for Rob Schneider and Robin Williams.

Do it for Rod Beck

Do it for Willie Mac

Do it for my baby so she doesn't grow up with some sort of horrible sports complex that makes her feel negative about every sports team that's not her own team because she's so scarred and eventually leads to her spouse telling her that she has a problem.

Do it for that dude who sits in left field and has a crazy beard and is literally at every game.

Do it for all of us who watched in 2002, when we were 8 outs away, up by 5 runs.

Walk to Mordor.

Hide the ring from Miguel Tejada.

Throw it in the damn volcano.

Just this once.

Today's Poll Question

When did you turn off yesterday's game?

A) Line drive. Double Play.

B) When the Cubs scored a run on a wild pitch / ball thrown to 3rd bouncing off runner's stomach

C) Off? I never turned it on. It was season premier night on ABC.

D) In April.

12 Days to Go: Buster Posey: Better than you

12 Days to Go
.5 games ahead in division, .5 games behind in wild card

Yesterday, as the Giants took a commanding 1 to 0 lead entering the bottom of the 9th in Chicago, I decided to call my dad, who was recovering from surgery in the hospital.
"Hey Dad," I said. "I need to have you on the phone during the bottom of the 9th for moral support."
"Sorry," he said. "I can't. They're doing stuff to me right now."
"I know, Dad! That's what I mean. They're always 'doing stuff' to us! I mean, 1-0, really? We couldn't score more than 1 run for Matt Cain? And now Wilson's going to load the bases and Fukudome is going to come up and foul off 67 pitches in a row before grounding out and I'm going to end up in the hospital next to you!"
"No," he replied. "I mean the nurse is changing the tubes."

Oh.

Well, the Giants are in fine September form, loading the bases multiple times but not scoring, laughing at Matt Cain as he returns from throwing another scoreless inning and asks "hey guys, would you mind scoring a run? It'd be really swell," and playing completely tortureful baseball for 7 innings until Buster Posey launched a homerun over the center field wall.

And that's why this email is dedicated to Buster Posey, who is better than you.
Look at these numbers:
.323 avg
.373 obp
.522 slugging
15 homers in 380 at bats

And he hasn't even turned 15 yet.http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTF88JGdtSPHAkdQ2g9n1NbwxoDp-UVs1B4zFo-QVUrmahqFXo&t=1&usg=__e6q-V1OMEO9ESxb_7Th1RjaZoDw=

Where would the Giants be without Buster Posey?
1) I wouldn't be writing a blog called 24 days of magic. i'd be writing a blog called: "how soon does college basketball start?" It'd be really boring. Each entry would be like: "only 86 days to go!"
2) Probably still ahead of the Diamondbacks and Nationals.
3) But who isn't?
4) Oh right. Them: http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSSXCdI2cXJpQjuIe3Yo5UItOhxxH0LQUXNo0zfWh8GUMp-2nI&t=1&usg=__HeshSUZ9i9ODLbXYJ9gwJy9Wwms=

Meanwhile, the Braves lost again to the Phillies, who haven't lost since the all-star break. And while the wild card feels like a good back-up plan right about now, I don't really want to play the Phillies in a 5-game series. Or a 7-game series. Or the Bud Selig 6-game series. (if you get that joke, you really know baseball). My secret plan is that the Phillies will lose in the first round to the wild-card Padres (1-0, 2-1, 1-0) and that the Padres will....AH! WHAT AM I DOING? BAD ANDY!

The Padres whipped the completely useless Fodgers who continue to roll over, kick their little legs in the air and yell "look! celebrities come to our games!" But the Rockies lost in Arizona, and are now 2.5 games back.

Andy: "for the last week, the Rockies have looked like a team that has run out of voodoo magic." (cue 12 game winning streak to end season)
BAD ANDY! Why can't you be more like Buster Posey who is better than you?

Today's Poll Question: What is your favorite thing about Buster Posey?
A) His incredible hitting. He's a rookie and a catcher and he's twice as good as every other Giants hitter.
B) His cannon arm. I loved watching the Padres try to steal on him. He threw out 7 different members of the Hairston family plus a deceptively fast Matt Stairs.
C) His name is "Buster Posey". What else do you need?
D) He looks like he's 13 years old. Even his haircut. It's hilarious.
E) Everything. He is the greatest human being ever to walk the planet.
F) The planet? What about other planets?
G) What about non-humans? He's greater than them, too.
H) What about people who just mostly crawl? Like babies?

13 Days Left: Oh, the Braves lost. Now everything is ok.

13 Days Left
.5 games up in division, 1.5 games back in wild card

Yesterday, as the Giants flew to Chicago, the Padres played dungeons and dragons together in their hotel in LA, and the Rockies ritually sacrificed a coyote in Arizona, I watched the Niners game with my almost-9-month old baby.
"Look! Niners!" I said.
Rachel stared at the television and then continued her game of picking up her toys and hitting them against the coffee table as hard as possible.
"Frank Gore! Michael Crabtree! Patrick Willis!"
Nothing.
My daughter is the anti-bayarea-sports-talk-radio-caller.

This is what KNBR 680 sounds like on my way to work.
"Alright, Giants are in first place with 13 days to go! Let's take our first caller."
"uhhhhhhh, am I on the air?"
"yes."
"Oh, cool. The niners really got to play some smash-mouth football this week. I mean, really, really, we got to smash their mouths. As many mouths as possible, with as much smashing as possible. I feel strongly about this."

next caller

"I dont' know if I like that Mike Singletary wears a cross around his neck during the press conference. I mean, Jesus would have been a terrible linebacker."

next caller

"NINNNNNNNNNNNNNNERRRRRRRRRRRRRS!"

Which is nice, because honestly, as you've probably figured out, Giants fans are tormented souls and most Giants calls sound like this: "Why do they play Rowand? Why? Why? I don't understand why Bochy wants to hurt me so much! I'm a nice person, aren't I?"

The only thing that happened yesterday was that the Braves lost to the Phillies, which brought us to within 1.5 games of the wild card. My initial reaction was to be happy, and of course it's better for them to lose than to win. But my second reaction was:

"Oh, the Braves lost. Now everything will be fine."(sobs uncontrollably)

I mean, let's say the Braves do start losing. Well, if we're winning enough to catch them, we'll probably be winning enough to stay ahead of the Padres and Rockies anyway. And then the fact that the Braves play the Phillies again the last weekend of the season...just doesn't feel meaningful. By that time, the Phillies will be 28 games ahead of Atlanta and instead of starting Roy Oswalt and Roy Halladay, they'll start Roy Barnes and Roy Orbison and the Braves will bring back Fred McGriff just to taunt us and sweep the series.

Still, I guess it's something.

(by the way, if you don't know about McGriff, google "Fred McGriff 1993 Giants")

(by the way part 2: Roy Orbison is one goofy-looking dude)

Meanwhile, the Reds are pulling away from the Cardinals. This is very bad. It means the Cardinals won't care when they play the Rockies and the Reds won't care when they play the Padres. Granted, we're playing the Cubs and their best player just got impaled by a broken bat and their other best player is now on the Braves, and their best pitcher missed three months to go to an anger management yoga camp in the Yucca Mountains, but doesn't that have "Giants lose 2 out of 3' written all over it?

Meanwhile, our offense has put up the following run totals in the last 6 games: 0, 2, 10, 0, 1, 9. Maybe this week we can go for 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, although that would mean we would lose those last three games to the Rockies 7-6, 7-5, 7-6. Like a tennis match. Oh God. Jason Giambi playing tennis. I feel slightly ill.

My wishes for the last 2 weeks:

Please come back, Andres Torres. You look hilarious when you run, but things were so much better when you were here. And now we know why God created the appendix and the appendicitis: to torture Giants fans.

Please keep hitting homeruns, Jose Guilen. You are so, so slow. If you raced Bengie Molina, you would win, but if you tripped and fell during the race and then hobbled the rest of the way, you would only barely win. That's how slow you are.

Please be "good Sanchez", Sanchez. Just three more times. And then again in the first round of the playoffs. And twice in the NLCS. And twice in the world series. And then after the world series, when Major League Baseball changes the rules because the Giants won the world series and we have to play the little league team from Chinese Taipei. They have small strike zones, and you are so wild! Oh, how I worry.

Please, Javier Lopez. Know what's coming. At some point this weekend, the Giants are going to be winning by 1 or 2 runs and Jason Giambi is going to pinch hit and then you're going to come in to face him. Please, please, please kill him. I mean, strike him out.

Today's Poll Question: What's your wish for the last two weeks?

A) That Comcast will explode and I won't be able to watch any of it, thus sparing me.

B) Giants, Padres, and Rockies finish in 3-way tie, setting off crazy playoff tie-breaker scenario involving Giants playing both teams back to back and needing to win both games...Andy...what are you doing with that knife? Back up, please. You're scaring me.

C) That anything happen except the Giants going 9-3 and the Rockies going 12-1.

D) NINNNNNNNNNNNERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSS

Two Weeks Left: I feel slightly ill

2 Weeks Left
.5 games ahead in division, 2 games back in wild card

As bad as Saturday was, Sunday was awesome. It started at 11am, when St. Louis beat the Padres 4-1, continued into the first inning of the Giants game when Barry Zito held the Brewers to less than 1 run and then Jose Guillen crushed a grand slam. At that point it was: Total Runs scored by Giants in first two games of series: 1 Total Runs scored by Giants on one swing in game three: 4 But then it got oh so much better when the Rockies blew a 6-1 lead to the Fodgers, who tied the game with 2 outs in the 9th and won it in the 11th. The Fodgers: Officially less useless than the Mets.


So now it comes down to this. Two weeks. Giants up half a game on San Diego and 1.5 games up on Troy Tulowitski's Fightin' Mullets. My thought process:
1. Zito won! Wow!
2. And he can count to 10!

3. There are 2 weeks left.
4. I feel slightly ill

It's not my fault I feel slightly ill. It's not even Zito's fault.It's not even Giambi or Mike Adams' fault! It's possibly only partly Aaron Rowand's fault. I feel slightly ill because this can only end one of two ways.Either we miss the playoffs and I spend the next 6 months agonizing about all the games we lost 2-1 because Pablo Sandoval hit into 3 double plays in the first 3 innings, OR...well, there's another, far more horrible option.

We could MAKE the playoffs.

Oh man, can you imagine how slightly ill I will feel then? Can you imagine the agony of the Giants in a five-game series?

I won't sleep, I won't eat, I'll have nightmares about Rob Nen and Jose Cruz Jr. Fox will show flashbacks to Scott Speizio and Troy Glaus and Troy Percival and Troy, the motion picture (whch is possibly worse than even Troy Percival). TBS will show a game and Craig Sager will wear a florescent suit.

http://dunkingwithwolves.com/files/2010/02/Sager_Pimp.jpg

It will be bad.

Today, absolutely nothing interesting happens except the Braves play the Phillies. Tomorrow, the Padres play the Fodgers, the Rockies play Arizona, and we play the Cubs, who apparently still have a baseball team. Who knew?

Today's Poll Question: Do you also feel slightly ill?
A) Yes.
B) Yes
C) Yes
D) No. I root for an American League team. We don't have pennant races. We have auctions. Oh, and we have the Rays. They are quirky and fun! They are exempt from the auction as they have spent all their money on cowbells.