I will write more about this tomorrow, but good God, Sabes! 6.5 million for Miguel Tejada??
I'm trying very hard to see the bright side in this. I'm squinting.
Nothing.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
What Kind of Traitor is Juan Uribe?
How to put into context the great betrayal of Juan Uribe? The man who won the hearts of the greatest city in the world and then decided to jump ship to the 3rd best National League team in the state because he wants to date Rhianna's younger sister?
We could compare Juan Uribe to other sports traitors. Johnny Damon jumps to mind as a classic comparison. Lebron James is probably an over-reaction although at least he didnt' leave Cleveland for its arch-rival (which is, um, Youngstown State, I think). On the other hand, John Buck leaving Toronto for the Marlins is probably an under-reaction.
Instead, I think we should explore the world of movies to determine just what kind of traitor Juan Uribe really is.
Keyzer Soze - The Usual Suspects
On principle, I won't reveal who Keyzer Soze really is because this movie is way too awesome to be ruined. But picture a group of people all fighting for survival as a unit, overcoming lots of long odds (think bad hitting or, say, the feds), only to find out that they've been played by an international crime lord in their midst who then pretty much, well, kills them all.
Uribe-Meter: Too heavy. Unless Pablo ends up with a steak knife in his back and Huff has an "accident" while fishing off San Pedro.
Message: If somebody tells you that you can make a lot of money by robbing a ship full of cocaine and killing a bunch of Hungarian and/or Argentinian drug runners, you should probably tell them you're busy.
Secondary Thought: What if Uribe grew his hair out like that picture of Soze? How awesome would that be?
GOLLUM - Lord of the Rings
This is the kind of traitor who drags it out to the end....is he with us or against us? Look, he's so cute! He's eating a fish! Oh crap he's trying to throw me into the fires of Mount Doom! So it works in a way. It's like Uribe was walking around pretending not to be able to speak english, wearing his cool yellow hair, hitting homeruns, kickin ass, and then suddenly he turns to us and says "Filthy Giantesesses. Uribe will take the precious!"
Uribe-Meter: Eh. It only works if he later reveals that he only stayed with us last year because he wanted a "ring" and that he wanted to be a Dodger all along.
Message: If you're not sure whether to trust your best friend or a bizarre creature who keeps trying to kill you, you probably shouldn't be entrusted with the ring of power.
Secondary Message: If you can photo shop a picture of Juan Uribe eating a fish with his teeth, I will make you Vice President of my blog.
Elsa the Nazi - Indiana Jones
You're super into this woman, and she's super hot (although that picture doesn't really do her justice...she looks more like some people my grandfather hung out with in Scottsdale). Things are going well. No, wait, she's a Nazi and she's going to try to kill you and your dad, who by the way is Sean Connery. How cool is that? Maybe next time go for that chick you met on Cupid.com.
Well, the problem with this one is that Robert the Bruce Jr. comes around in the end. Turns out, he's the narrator the whole time! Crazy! So this would only work if Uribe goes to the Dodgers, spends like 3 days there, and then yells at his agent, straps on his old Giants uniform and some badass cleats, and then runs at Matt Kemp with a sword and screams "FREEDOM!" Not likely. More likely is that he is Robert the Bruce, but not, sadly, Jr. 
"Why, oh why didn't I take the blue pill?" 
Nah, probably too much of a stretch. I just liked the picture.
We could compare Juan Uribe to other sports traitors. Johnny Damon jumps to mind as a classic comparison. Lebron James is probably an over-reaction although at least he didnt' leave Cleveland for its arch-rival (which is, um, Youngstown State, I think). On the other hand, John Buck leaving Toronto for the Marlins is probably an under-reaction.
Instead, I think we should explore the world of movies to determine just what kind of traitor Juan Uribe really is.
Keyzer Soze - The Usual Suspects
On principle, I won't reveal who Keyzer Soze really is because this movie is way too awesome to be ruined. But picture a group of people all fighting for survival as a unit, overcoming lots of long odds (think bad hitting or, say, the feds), only to find out that they've been played by an international crime lord in their midst who then pretty much, well, kills them all.
Uribe-Meter: Too heavy. Unless Pablo ends up with a steak knife in his back and Huff has an "accident" while fishing off San Pedro.
Message: If somebody tells you that you can make a lot of money by robbing a ship full of cocaine and killing a bunch of Hungarian and/or Argentinian drug runners, you should probably tell them you're busy.
Secondary Thought: What if Uribe grew his hair out like that picture of Soze? How awesome would that be?
GOLLUM - Lord of the Rings
This is the kind of traitor who drags it out to the end....is he with us or against us? Look, he's so cute! He's eating a fish! Oh crap he's trying to throw me into the fires of Mount Doom! So it works in a way. It's like Uribe was walking around pretending not to be able to speak english, wearing his cool yellow hair, hitting homeruns, kickin ass, and then suddenly he turns to us and says "Filthy Giantesesses. Uribe will take the precious!"
Uribe-Meter: Eh. It only works if he later reveals that he only stayed with us last year because he wanted a "ring" and that he wanted to be a Dodger all along.
Message: If you're not sure whether to trust your best friend or a bizarre creature who keeps trying to kill you, you probably shouldn't be entrusted with the ring of power.
Secondary Message: If you can photo shop a picture of Juan Uribe eating a fish with his teeth, I will make you Vice President of my blog.
Elsa the Nazi - Indiana Jones
You're super into this woman, and she's super hot (although that picture doesn't really do her justice...she looks more like some people my grandfather hung out with in Scottsdale). Things are going well. No, wait, she's a Nazi and she's going to try to kill you and your dad, who by the way is Sean Connery. How cool is that? Maybe next time go for that chick you met on Cupid.com.
Uribe Meter- Uh, zero. Plus the Dodgers aren't as bad as the Nazis. If I repeat that enough, I will force myself to almost believe it.
Message: There are lots of good women out there. Nobody needs to date a Nazi OR a Dodger fan. Ok, guys?
Robert the Bruce Jr. - Braveheart
Robert the Bruce Jr. - Braveheart
Well, the problem with this one is that Robert the Bruce Jr. comes around in the end. Turns out, he's the narrator the whole time! Crazy! So this would only work if Uribe goes to the Dodgers, spends like 3 days there, and then yells at his agent, straps on his old Giants uniform and some badass cleats, and then runs at Matt Kemp with a sword and screams "FREEDOM!" Not likely. More likely is that he is Robert the Bruce, but not, sadly, Jr.
Uribe Meter: For Robert the Bruce Sr., pretty high. Except again the problem is that Uribe left AFTER the good guys won. It'd be like if Scotland gained its independence and THEN Robert the Bruce got all friendly with the King.
Message: If it's like 1200 something or like 1500 something, try not to live on the English Isles.
Secondary Thought: Oh God. The Padres are going to bring up a new reliever. And his name is going to be Robert the Bruce. I'm going to be ill.
CYPHER - The Matrix
CYPHER - The Matrix
"Why, oh why didn't I take the blue pill?"
Because you had heart.
Because you had the Giants in your blood.
Because you were real, man.
Like I said, enjoy the steak. It's not real.
Uribe-Meter: Ding ding ding! I think this is our winner. Passing up on what his soul knows is right to do what his head tells him is more advantageous.
Message: If you're going to take the blue pill, fine. Take the blue pill. But don't take the red pill and then complain about the choice you made.
PETER PETTIGREW - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
PETER PETTIGREW - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Nah, probably too much of a stretch. I just liked the picture.
Vote in the poll at the bottom of the screen for your choice!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Breaking News: Juan Uribe About To Break Our Hearts
ESPN is reporting that Juan Uribe is near a 3 year deal with the....
with the...
I'm sorry. I'm having trouble saying it.
With these losers:
with the...
I'm sorry. I'm having trouble saying it.
With these losers:
Why, Juan? Why would you do this?
We loved you so much despite the fact that you hack like a computer nerd in his parent's basement. Despite the fact that you try to pull every pitch, including pitches that are part of an intentional walk.
Now the greatest moment of the NLCS will forever be tainted. You're the Johnny Damon of the West Coast. Do this deal, and we will clap for you once, the first time you come back to SF, and then never again. You will always, afterwards, be a Dodger.
My next post will be dedicated to movie characters who have pulled crap like this.
The guy from the Matrix jumps to mind.
Enjoy the steak, Juan. It's not real. You took the blue pill.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Offseason Preview Continued: The Bullpen
A relief pitcher really breaks down into 5 categories, when you think really hard about it.
1. Lights-Out: When they give up a run, you're shocked. When you have to face them, you're pretty much sure that you're going to get shut down, especially when you're sending up a bunch of goobers like Nate Schierholtz, Mike Fontenot, and Travis Ishikawa. Isn't that who batted in pretty much every 9th inning for the Giants this year?
2. Specialist: The lefty you bring in to face lefties. He's great, but you can't bring him in to just pitch an inning. Only if the opponents' 89 year old manager is silly enough to bat his two lefty stars back to back in the lineup even though he knows you, Mr. Specialist, are going to strike them both out on 87mph sliders.
3. Hard-throwing Psychopath: This guy really brings the heat. 98, 99. But he's not a closer. Or a starter. Or even a set-up man. Why? Because between pitches he prays to a Chilean Rooster Deity and he can't throw strikes and his other pitch, a slideycurveychange, usually gets hit about 800 feet.
4. Trickeration Dude: This guy can't throw harder than 90, but he starts his windup with his head between his knees, his pitches break the wrong direction, and his "fastball" drops like 4 feet. But when he hangs a pitch....
5. Mr. Whitey McAverage: Every team has one of these guys. Fastball at 90. Average curveball. Average changeup. Average facial hair. Teams pitch these guys when they run out of the other four categories.
So the Giants have a Category 1 (WILSON)
A Category 2 (LOPEZ)
A Category 3 (CASILLA)
A Category 4 (ROMO)
A Category 5 (RAY)
They have Ramirez, who is 5 at his worst and some combination of 2/3/4 at his best.
They have Affeldt who is either 2 or 5 depending on how he's pitching.
They have Runzler who is 5 until he puts it together at which point he will be a starter and we will pay him $140 million over 7 years.
And Mota, who is too old to fit into any of the categories. Actually he's category 6.
6. Guys who are so old and have pitched for so many teams that if you tried to guess all the teams they played for you would forget like 7 teams.
The bottom line is that the Giants are set in the bullpen if they can bring back Lopez. And they should bring back Casilla (both are arbitration eligible). Same with Ramon Ramirez who struggled in the playoffs but had a .68 era with the Giants in the regular season and has nasty stuff. In some ways, the bullpen discussion is even more boring than the rotation discussion because we can't make fun of Zito.
Mota is a free agent and should be allowed to walk. Ray is arbitration eligible and I think the Giants will bring him back though he struggled. Sabes: just because he's all you got for Bengie Molina doesn't mean we have to keep him around. What we got by trading Bengie Molina was, oh, I dont' know, a Rookie of the Year catcher, a new star, a world championship, lots of wins...I dont' think Chris Ray is what made that deal a success. But whatever.
Who am I to argue? After all, I love pitchers with two first names. Like Brian Wilson. And, um, Jeremy Affeldt.
1. Lights-Out: When they give up a run, you're shocked. When you have to face them, you're pretty much sure that you're going to get shut down, especially when you're sending up a bunch of goobers like Nate Schierholtz, Mike Fontenot, and Travis Ishikawa. Isn't that who batted in pretty much every 9th inning for the Giants this year?
2. Specialist: The lefty you bring in to face lefties. He's great, but you can't bring him in to just pitch an inning. Only if the opponents' 89 year old manager is silly enough to bat his two lefty stars back to back in the lineup even though he knows you, Mr. Specialist, are going to strike them both out on 87mph sliders.
3. Hard-throwing Psychopath: This guy really brings the heat. 98, 99. But he's not a closer. Or a starter. Or even a set-up man. Why? Because between pitches he prays to a Chilean Rooster Deity and he can't throw strikes and his other pitch, a slideycurveychange, usually gets hit about 800 feet.
4. Trickeration Dude: This guy can't throw harder than 90, but he starts his windup with his head between his knees, his pitches break the wrong direction, and his "fastball" drops like 4 feet. But when he hangs a pitch....
5. Mr. Whitey McAverage: Every team has one of these guys. Fastball at 90. Average curveball. Average changeup. Average facial hair. Teams pitch these guys when they run out of the other four categories.
So the Giants have a Category 1 (WILSON)
A Category 2 (LOPEZ)
A Category 3 (CASILLA)
A Category 4 (ROMO)
A Category 5 (RAY)
They have Ramirez, who is 5 at his worst and some combination of 2/3/4 at his best.
They have Affeldt who is either 2 or 5 depending on how he's pitching.
They have Runzler who is 5 until he puts it together at which point he will be a starter and we will pay him $140 million over 7 years.
And Mota, who is too old to fit into any of the categories. Actually he's category 6.
6. Guys who are so old and have pitched for so many teams that if you tried to guess all the teams they played for you would forget like 7 teams.
The bottom line is that the Giants are set in the bullpen if they can bring back Lopez. And they should bring back Casilla (both are arbitration eligible). Same with Ramon Ramirez who struggled in the playoffs but had a .68 era with the Giants in the regular season and has nasty stuff. In some ways, the bullpen discussion is even more boring than the rotation discussion because we can't make fun of Zito.
Mota is a free agent and should be allowed to walk. Ray is arbitration eligible and I think the Giants will bring him back though he struggled. Sabes: just because he's all you got for Bengie Molina doesn't mean we have to keep him around. What we got by trading Bengie Molina was, oh, I dont' know, a Rookie of the Year catcher, a new star, a world championship, lots of wins...I dont' think Chris Ray is what made that deal a success. But whatever.
Who am I to argue? After all, I love pitchers with two first names. Like Brian Wilson. And, um, Jeremy Affeldt.
Friday, November 26, 2010
A Thanksgiving Poem
We here at 24 Days of Magic are thankful for many things, not the least of which was that 10-game Padre losing streak back in late August. We even wrote a poem about the 10 pitchers who beat the Padres during that stretch:
First off, Ian Kennedy's the best
Even though his team was worst in the West
The word for cool is "Chad Durban"
if you look it up in the dictionary that is Urban
Joe Blanton is kinda chubby
and my friend Becky wishes Cole Hamels was her hubby
What really I must truly ponder
Is how the Padres lost to Joe Saunders
Kennedy again, like the 60's, yo
Barry Enright's momma admits he's a bit slow
But what really must have left the Hairstons shook
is losing at home to Aaron Cook
Jason Hammel was next to whip
the lovable losable Padres ship
Finally the last was Jorge De La Rosa
Nothing rhymes with that. Seriously. I spent like 15 minutes on this. I'm stopping now.
Note:
Yesterday I told Jamie that I had contacted Brandon Belt regarding a possible exclusive interview with our blog.
"What did you say?"
Me: "I said we were a new blog but that.."
Jamie: "Wait. Who is 'we'?"
Me: "The blog."
Jamie: "But it's just you."
Me: "Well.....yeah."
Happy Thanksgiving, from all of us here at 24 Days of Magic.
First off, Ian Kennedy's the best
Even though his team was worst in the West
The word for cool is "Chad Durban"
if you look it up in the dictionary that is Urban
Joe Blanton is kinda chubby
and my friend Becky wishes Cole Hamels was her hubby
What really I must truly ponder
Is how the Padres lost to Joe Saunders
Kennedy again, like the 60's, yo
Barry Enright's momma admits he's a bit slow
But what really must have left the Hairstons shook
is losing at home to Aaron Cook
Jason Hammel was next to whip
the lovable losable Padres ship
Finally the last was Jorge De La Rosa
Nothing rhymes with that. Seriously. I spent like 15 minutes on this. I'm stopping now.
Note:
Yesterday I told Jamie that I had contacted Brandon Belt regarding a possible exclusive interview with our blog.
"What did you say?"
Me: "I said we were a new blog but that.."
Jamie: "Wait. Who is 'we'?"
Me: "The blog."
Jamie: "But it's just you."
Me: "Well.....yeah."
Happy Thanksgiving, from all of us here at 24 Days of Magic.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Off-Season Preview Continued: Starting Pitching
This is going to be boring.
I think our starting pitchers next year will be the guy with two cy youngs, the guy who gave up zero earned runs in the playoffs, the other guy who gave up zero earned runs in the playoffs (because he didn't pitch...hee hee), the rookie who threw a shutout in the world series and didn't allow a runner to reach 2nd base, and the guy who had the lowest batting average against in the National League.
Is there some mystery here I'm not thinking of?
The only issue is in what order they are going to pitch. Notice how I did not dangle my participle. This is unlike a certain left-handed pitcher who dangled way too many participles last year, usually around belt-high. But I gramatically digress. Although I generally feel like going lefty-righty-lefty is overblown, I do understand why throwing three lefties in a row might be stupid. But at the same time, maybe it's fiendishly clever. Or rather, maybe fiendishly clever at the same time it is. I totally nailed that sentence.
Think about it.
You're a boring National League Team. Maybe the Pittsburgh Astros, or the Milwaukee Reds. You are playing the Giants. And guess what? You missed out on Timmy and Matt Cain! Nice work! Completely makes up for the fact that you've had 18 straight losing seasons or you've been rebuilding for like 6 years now or you have three good hitters and no good pitchers and you are forever associated with Bud Selig or you are formerly owned by a Nazi who once kicked your best pitcher off the team plane because he was injured and space was needed for the Nazi owner's stuffed dog.
So the first day, you face a lefty who throws 92, occasionally walks five people in a row, but is completely unhittable. And then the next day you face a lefty again so you're thinking hey, this is great. I'm comfortable now. But he throws 94, never walks people, and has a nasty slider. And then in game 3 you face another lefty, but this one throws 86, has a crazy curveball, and plays guitar.
I think Bochy should do it. He probably won't. He'll find some lefty to be the #2 starter instead of Cain and somehow it will end up being Zito. Or Rowand. Zito or Rowand. When you're CHAMPIONS OF THE ENTIRE WORLD, I guess you have to find something to complain about.
So that's our starting five. We're like a national championship college basketball team and we have everybody back. And nobody is leaving early to go pro. And nobody got lured by an agent into a deal that involved Tim Floyd pulling up to a Rodeo Drive coffee shop in a black escalade and handing an envelope stuffed with cash to an associate of rap mogul Master P. I think I got that story right. Checking....and....yep, nailed it.
Important 24 Hours of Magic News:
Today, this blog received a page view from somebody in the Netherlands. This is highly momentous. And while I'm trying to figure out why somebody in the Netherlands would read this blog, or accidentally trip on it (you can't even find it if you google "24 days of magic andy giants weirdo way too into the giants semi-amateur blog thing"), I do want to give a shoutout to the great country of Holland and to this great person who read this blog.
Next up: The bullpen
Then: The lineup
Then: Hmmm. Will it be April at that point?
Today's Poll Question:
What was that Dutch guy/girl googling?
A) 24 Daays oof Majik
B) Waarom is Barry zito zo betaalde?
C) Mat Latos is enigszins van een verliezer en ziet iets Nederlands, ik schaam me te zeggen
D) Uh. Soccer?
I think our starting pitchers next year will be the guy with two cy youngs, the guy who gave up zero earned runs in the playoffs, the other guy who gave up zero earned runs in the playoffs (because he didn't pitch...hee hee), the rookie who threw a shutout in the world series and didn't allow a runner to reach 2nd base, and the guy who had the lowest batting average against in the National League.
Is there some mystery here I'm not thinking of?
The only issue is in what order they are going to pitch. Notice how I did not dangle my participle. This is unlike a certain left-handed pitcher who dangled way too many participles last year, usually around belt-high. But I gramatically digress. Although I generally feel like going lefty-righty-lefty is overblown, I do understand why throwing three lefties in a row might be stupid. But at the same time, maybe it's fiendishly clever. Or rather, maybe fiendishly clever at the same time it is. I totally nailed that sentence.
Think about it.
You're a boring National League Team. Maybe the Pittsburgh Astros, or the Milwaukee Reds. You are playing the Giants. And guess what? You missed out on Timmy and Matt Cain! Nice work! Completely makes up for the fact that you've had 18 straight losing seasons or you've been rebuilding for like 6 years now or you have three good hitters and no good pitchers and you are forever associated with Bud Selig or you are formerly owned by a Nazi who once kicked your best pitcher off the team plane because he was injured and space was needed for the Nazi owner's stuffed dog.
So the first day, you face a lefty who throws 92, occasionally walks five people in a row, but is completely unhittable. And then the next day you face a lefty again so you're thinking hey, this is great. I'm comfortable now. But he throws 94, never walks people, and has a nasty slider. And then in game 3 you face another lefty, but this one throws 86, has a crazy curveball, and plays guitar.
I think Bochy should do it. He probably won't. He'll find some lefty to be the #2 starter instead of Cain and somehow it will end up being Zito. Or Rowand. Zito or Rowand. When you're CHAMPIONS OF THE ENTIRE WORLD, I guess you have to find something to complain about.
So that's our starting five. We're like a national championship college basketball team and we have everybody back. And nobody is leaving early to go pro. And nobody got lured by an agent into a deal that involved Tim Floyd pulling up to a Rodeo Drive coffee shop in a black escalade and handing an envelope stuffed with cash to an associate of rap mogul Master P. I think I got that story right. Checking....and....yep, nailed it.
Important 24 Hours of Magic News:
Today, this blog received a page view from somebody in the Netherlands. This is highly momentous. And while I'm trying to figure out why somebody in the Netherlands would read this blog, or accidentally trip on it (you can't even find it if you google "24 days of magic andy giants weirdo way too into the giants semi-amateur blog thing"), I do want to give a shoutout to the great country of Holland and to this great person who read this blog.
Next up: The bullpen
Then: The lineup
Then: Hmmm. Will it be April at that point?
Today's Poll Question:
What was that Dutch guy/girl googling?
A) 24 Daays oof Majik
B) Waarom is Barry zito zo betaalde?
C) Mat Latos is enigszins van een verliezer en ziet iets Nederlands, ik schaam me te zeggen
D) Uh. Soccer?
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