Check out this photo from his new twitter account:
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Weekly Divisional Previews: AL CENTRAL
As I posted on my twitter account, picking the winner of this division caused me several sleepless nights. I would lie awake and imagine Jim Thome crushing a fastball deep into the night but then the baseball would become black and I would hear Ozzie Guillen yelling at me, calling me a "homosexual midget," and then Ozzie's face would fade into Miguel Cabrera getting drunk and trying to rip my head off and eat my eyeballs.
It was a rough night.
AL CENTRAL PREVIEW
It was a rough night.
AL CENTRAL PREVIEW
Teams Listed In Order of Projected Finish
1. Minnesota Twins
2010 Finish: 1st
2010 Record: 94-68
2010 Pythagorean (roughly the record they would have had with neutral luck): 93-69
2011 Projection: 95-67
Difference: 1 Spiffy Buster
2010 Record: 94-68
2010 Pythagorean (roughly the record they would have had with neutral luck): 93-69
2011 Projection: 95-67
Difference: 1 Spiffy Buster
x1The Twins lost reliever Jesse Crain, and infielders JJ Hardy and Orlando Hudson. They added a non-concussed Justin Morneau, a healthy Joe Nathan, and Japanese shortstop Tsuyoshi Nishioka. That's not a bad off-season for a team that won the division easily last year. Of course, the Twins' problem isn't winning the division. There's an old joke about the Twins...
Ron Gardenhire is managing one day and the bat boy runs up and says "Mr. Gardenhire! There are a hundred armed men trying to storm the field to kill us!" Gardenhire thinks for a moment and says "bring me my red jacket." They fight the bad guys off and after it's over, the bat boy asks why he wanted the jacket. "So that if I was injured in battle and started to bleed, nobody would notice that I was hurt and have their morale go down."
The next day, the bat boy showed up and said: "Mr. Gardenhire! We're playing the Yankees in the playoffs!" To which the manager replied: "Bring me my brown pants!"
2. Chicago White Sox
Ron Gardenhire is managing one day and the bat boy runs up and says "Mr. Gardenhire! There are a hundred armed men trying to storm the field to kill us!" Gardenhire thinks for a moment and says "bring me my red jacket." They fight the bad guys off and after it's over, the bat boy asks why he wanted the jacket. "So that if I was injured in battle and started to bleed, nobody would notice that I was hurt and have their morale go down."
The next day, the bat boy showed up and said: "Mr. Gardenhire! We're playing the Yankees in the playoffs!" To which the manager replied: "Bring me my brown pants!"
2. Chicago White Sox
2010 Finish: 2nd
2010 Record: 88-74
2010 Pythagorean: 86-76
2011 Projection: 93-69
Difference: 5 Spiffy Busters
x5
Adam Dunn is nice. He'll hit 40 homeruns. Jesse Crain is a good add, especially since they stole him from their main rival. I think the White Sox will improve but they're still a little old. Paul Konerko can order off the senior menu at Denny's and Carlos Quentin is just not as good as, say, Cody Ross. AJ Pierzynski is still a big jerk.x5White Sox vs. Yankees for the wild card is a karma-off. As in, whoever has less negative karma gets the nod.
3. Detroit Tigers
2010 Finish: 3rd
2010 Record: 81-81
2010 Pythagorean: 82-80
2011 Projection: 90-72
Difference: 9 Spiffy Busters
x9
Where are all these extra losses going to come from? I know that's what's on your mind. In other words, if the Tigers and White Sox get so much better, who is going to lose more games to offset it? Easy. Tampa Bay. The Tigers added Victor Martinez and Joaquin Benoit which is helpful despite the fact that Martinez has a lifetime batting average in Detroit of .225.2010 Record: 81-81
2010 Pythagorean: 82-80
2011 Projection: 90-72
Difference: 9 Spiffy Busters
x9This Tigers offseason had the feel of a man who has pissed off his wife and thinks that buying random glittery jewelry will make her forget. Overpaying for a reliever and an aging catcher who couldn't even put up great numbers in the middle of a great lineup in a hitters' park is not enough to win the division. That said, Cabrera is a stud, the lineup is better, Jackson will probably improve and last year seemed like a fluke.
4. Kansas City Royals
2010 Finish: 5th
2010 Record: 67-95
2010 Pythagorean: 63-98
2011 Projection: 62-100
Difference: 5 Angry Brians
x5
The Royals, you know, have a great farm system. In about three years, the Royals will be awesome. In the meantime, they're bad and getting worse. DeJesus and Greinke are gone. George Brett is gone. Even the awesomely-bad powder blue leisure suits are gone, to be replaced by uniforms that have never been worn after about October 2nd. And yet they're still not the worst team in the division. Pretty incredible.
x55. Cleveland Persons of Native American Descent
2010 Finish: 4th
2010 Record: 69-93
2010 Pythagorean: 69-93
2011 Projection: 60-102
Difference: 9 Angry Brians
x9The Indians have some promising young players, and definitely have more talent on the field than the Royals, but Sizemore will be gone in July and there isn't that feeling of hope that exists deep, deep, deep down in the guts of Kansas City fans, near the digested BBQ. This is a rudderless team that knows it has no chance of competing this year, next year, or the year after that.
Poor Cleveland. I mean, sheesh. When our new site launches, I promise you, Cleveland, we will have a section devoted to you. It will be called: "why?" and will focus on esoteric discussions of God, justice, and flaming bodies of water.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Taking Mental Notes On a Friday
Ah, Lebron. If only you played baseball, I could write about you. And you're such a profound source of....profundity.
Recently, for instance, Prince James tweeted that the Heat call themselves "The Heatles" because of the traveling road show nature of the team.
You know, like, The Beatles.
Of course people didn't turn up to boo the Beatles. Also the Beatles were the best ever at what they did. The Heat are a good team that has yet to win anything of importance.
If Lebron told this idea to a normal person, it would go like this.
LBJ: So we're gonna call ourselves the "Heatles."
Normal Person: (Blank stare) (Long pause) Sounds good!
But....
LBJ: So we're gonna call ourselves the "Heatles."
LBJ's Hangers-On: Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
Anyway, I've been taking mental notes about some things and a slow Friday is a good day to talk about them.
1. The January mailbag will be out soon, so email me comments, questions, suggestions, or idiotic nicknames for yourself at 24DaysOfMagic@gmail.com.
2. Interview with Eric Surkamp to be posted this weekend, hopefully.
3. Giants are looking set for a "Hard-Knocks" style documentary on Showtime starting in Spring Training. Is this good or bad? A distraction? Will Bruce Bochy start screaming at people like Rex Ryan? Will Ron Wotus end up running out of the dugout and tripping an opposing runner as he's rounding 3rd like that Jets assistant coach? Will the players sexually harass a Mexican reporter? Will Bochy's wife make videos on.....never mind. Just don't be the Jets, is what I'm saying. Sorry, Seth.
4. Rafael Soriano to the Yankees. This is a guy who could be a closer for lots and lots of teams but he's content to make lots of money being the set-up man for Rivera for the next two years before taking over the job. I'm not sure if that's commendable or if the Yankees should be worried they're paying that much money to somebody who lacks the competitive spirit necessary to sign with a team as a closer for less money. Related question: those Rays ticket sales must be through the roof, yeah?
5. AL Central preview to be released soon. I can't figure out who to pick to win it, though. I like the Twins, the White Sox and Tigers both got better and the Royals totally have a shot if their GM gets drunk and says "aw, screw it" and trades their millions of amazing prospects for good players at the deadline.
6. The "Heatles." Good lord.
Recently, for instance, Prince James tweeted that the Heat call themselves "The Heatles" because of the traveling road show nature of the team.
You know, like, The Beatles.
Of course people didn't turn up to boo the Beatles. Also the Beatles were the best ever at what they did. The Heat are a good team that has yet to win anything of importance.
If Lebron told this idea to a normal person, it would go like this.
LBJ: So we're gonna call ourselves the "Heatles."
Normal Person: (Blank stare) (Long pause) Sounds good!
But....
LBJ: So we're gonna call ourselves the "Heatles."
LBJ's Hangers-On: Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
Anyway, I've been taking mental notes about some things and a slow Friday is a good day to talk about them.
1. The January mailbag will be out soon, so email me comments, questions, suggestions, or idiotic nicknames for yourself at 24DaysOfMagic@gmail.com.
2. Interview with Eric Surkamp to be posted this weekend, hopefully.
3. Giants are looking set for a "Hard-Knocks" style documentary on Showtime starting in Spring Training. Is this good or bad? A distraction? Will Bruce Bochy start screaming at people like Rex Ryan? Will Ron Wotus end up running out of the dugout and tripping an opposing runner as he's rounding 3rd like that Jets assistant coach? Will the players sexually harass a Mexican reporter? Will Bochy's wife make videos on.....never mind. Just don't be the Jets, is what I'm saying. Sorry, Seth.
4. Rafael Soriano to the Yankees. This is a guy who could be a closer for lots and lots of teams but he's content to make lots of money being the set-up man for Rivera for the next two years before taking over the job. I'm not sure if that's commendable or if the Yankees should be worried they're paying that much money to somebody who lacks the competitive spirit necessary to sign with a team as a closer for less money. Related question: those Rays ticket sales must be through the roof, yeah?
5. AL Central preview to be released soon. I can't figure out who to pick to win it, though. I like the Twins, the White Sox and Tigers both got better and the Royals totally have a shot if their GM gets drunk and says "aw, screw it" and trades their millions of amazing prospects for good players at the deadline.
6. The "Heatles." Good lord.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Exciting News! (If you're me)
Exciting news!
Well, let's make this multiple choice.
Which of the following is true:
a) The Giants actually won the 2002 World Series. They just did a video replay and everything. Call on the field overturned. Give Dusty a ring!
b) Schierholtz for Ichiro. Straight up.
c) 24 Days of Magic has agreed to join the Bloguin network
This is why I said this news is exciting if you're me. I supposed all of you would like to think a) or b) is true. Sorry.
Seriously, to everyone who has read this site or supported it in any way, THANK YOU.
This move means:
a) The site will be designed professionally, and will no longer look as though somebody threw up a bunch of words onto a page, smeared them around, and threw orange paint at it.
b) I will probably start hanging out with Buster Posey and international fashion models on a semi-regular basis. I'll try to remember to post some stuff, but some of it may be written by my new personal assistant Igor who doesn't really have a knack for writing or, if we're honest, English.
(Igor wrote the following to me the other day: "dear sir i called hairy-faced thrower Wilson for talking but phone beeped. also your coffee is mostly on your pants.")
c) I will likely spend a lot of time saying "Bloguin. You know, Bloguin. Like a penguin, but like for bl....never mind."
d) The site will be far more interactive and exciting and cool.
I can't wait. It's a big step forward and I really appreciate all the support I've gotten as I've moved from "emails to friends" to "emails to friends and other people" to "blog that is mostly looked at by friends who I emailed" to now, the newest chapter: "blog that has picture of penguin at the top of the screen."
On a related note, how much cooler would Lou Seal be if he was Poppy Penguin instead? He could do that penguin-sliding-on-their-stomach-on-the-ice thing across the top of the dugout.
Just saying.
Well, let's make this multiple choice.
Which of the following is true:
a) The Giants actually won the 2002 World Series. They just did a video replay and everything. Call on the field overturned. Give Dusty a ring!
b) Schierholtz for Ichiro. Straight up.
c) 24 Days of Magic has agreed to join the Bloguin network
This is why I said this news is exciting if you're me. I supposed all of you would like to think a) or b) is true. Sorry.
Seriously, to everyone who has read this site or supported it in any way, THANK YOU.
This move means:
a) The site will be designed professionally, and will no longer look as though somebody threw up a bunch of words onto a page, smeared them around, and threw orange paint at it.
b) I will probably start hanging out with Buster Posey and international fashion models on a semi-regular basis. I'll try to remember to post some stuff, but some of it may be written by my new personal assistant Igor who doesn't really have a knack for writing or, if we're honest, English.
(Igor wrote the following to me the other day: "dear sir i called hairy-faced thrower Wilson for talking but phone beeped. also your coffee is mostly on your pants.")
c) I will likely spend a lot of time saying "Bloguin. You know, Bloguin. Like a penguin, but like for bl....never mind."
d) The site will be far more interactive and exciting and cool.
I can't wait. It's a big step forward and I really appreciate all the support I've gotten as I've moved from "emails to friends" to "emails to friends and other people" to "blog that is mostly looked at by friends who I emailed" to now, the newest chapter: "blog that has picture of penguin at the top of the screen."
On a related note, how much cooler would Lou Seal be if he was Poppy Penguin instead? He could do that penguin-sliding-on-their-stomach-on-the-ice thing across the top of the dugout.
Just saying.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Sports Punditry Reaches New Levels Of Amazingness
This story has already been covered by Frisco Fastball and McCovey Chronicles (all blogs are required to have alliteration in the title, which is why my blog is running from the Feds). But I felt the need to chime in.
Rob Neyer, who gets paid actual money by ESPN to write about baseball, had this to say:
The Giants might surprise a lot of people by dropping from world champions to third place, and perhaps even a not particularly competitive third place. In 2010, almost everything that could have gone well for them did go well, with a number of Giants enjoying surprisingly good seasons. If there's reason for optimism, it's tied almost solely to the assumption that Buster Posey and Madison Bumgarner will continue to thrive in their first full seasons. Will that be enough to balance the presumed regressions of Aubrey Huff, Andres Torres and Jonathan Sanchez, along with the departure of Juan Uribe (who's been replaced by Miguel Tejada)?
We'll know in eight or nine months.
I don't mind if somebody doesn't think the Giants are going to have a good year; that's a legitimate opinion. But what is frustrating about Neyer and ESPN in general is their insistence that the Giants were a team of lucky breaks and a crazy confluence of fortunate events.
Giants: I raise this much. Is that a lot? Maybe I'll just put all my chips in. (giggles)
Yankees/Phillies/Whoever: But I have an Ace high flush, you can't possibly have me beat. I call.
Giants: Aw shucks, all I have is these here cards. Are they any good? Ooooh! That card you just put down in the middle is the same number as my card! Ooooh! Again! Do I win? Do I win?
The fact is that the Giants dealt with a pretty average amount of adversity during the regular season, including a horrible month of pitching from their ace, two months of Todd Wellemeyer, a ruptured appendix in September, injuries to their 2nd baseman and shortstop, and a horrible season from the player they had assumed would be their best hitter. According to the Bill James calculation, they still should have won 96 games. They won 92 instead, meaning they were unlucky during the regular season. They still won the division outright and had the 2nd best record in the National League.
Did Huff outperform expectations? Sure. Torres? Yes. Name a single team that didn't have two players outperform expectations. This is the basis of your prediction, Rob? That two of our players might not have as good a year this year as they had last year? And that outweighs a full season of Bumgarner and Posey and Ross, a possibly resurgent Sandoval, the addition of Belt, the likelihood that Timmy won't forget how to pitch for six weeks, the Jamesean calculation that the Baseball Gods owe us a few games in the standings?
Think about this sentence:
"If there's reason for optimism, it's tied almost solely to the assumption that Buster Posey and Madison Bumgarner will continue to thrive in their first full seasons. "
Think about that again.
Think hard.
What is wrong with that sentence...............
How about this:
If there's a reason for optimism, it's tied almost solely to the fact that WE ARE DEFENDING WORLD CHAMPIONS. That makes me optimistic. That makes me think, hey, we might have a decent team this year. We might have a chance to compete with the 4th place Dodgers or 3rd place Rockies.
If the entire core of a 95-loss team comes back, that's not a reason for optimism.
When the entire core of a World Championship team comes back, that's a different story.
Imagine if the Yankees won the world series and Boston's best player was traded during the off-season and Tampa and Toronto basically stood pat. Would you expect ESPN to make a prediction of a "not particularly competitive third place" finish for the Yankees? Of course.
Will the Dodgers be able to make up the 12 game gap between themselves and the Giants by fielding the same team they had last year minus Manny Ramirez?
Will the Rockies be able to jump from 3rd to a dominating 1st place finish by fielding the same team they had last year plus Ty Wigginton?
Well, let me make a profound prediction:
"We'll know in 8 or 9 months."
So I'll tell you then. Except I'll be asleep in Connecticut while the games in California are actually being played. So I may not watch. So I'll read about it online. Probably on ESPNLosAngeles.com. And then I'll retweet it. I promise.
Rob Neyer, who gets paid actual money by ESPN to write about baseball, had this to say:
"There's going to be a great deal of change in the National League West."
Really? Did Kevin Towers finally put a diving board on the pool in Bank One Ballpark?
The Giants might surprise a lot of people by dropping from world champions to third place, and perhaps even a not particularly competitive third place. In 2010, almost everything that could have gone well for them did go well, with a number of Giants enjoying surprisingly good seasons. If there's reason for optimism, it's tied almost solely to the assumption that Buster Posey and Madison Bumgarner will continue to thrive in their first full seasons. Will that be enough to balance the presumed regressions of Aubrey Huff, Andres Torres and Jonathan Sanchez, along with the departure of Juan Uribe (who's been replaced by Miguel Tejada)?
We'll know in eight or nine months.
I don't mind if somebody doesn't think the Giants are going to have a good year; that's a legitimate opinion. But what is frustrating about Neyer and ESPN in general is their insistence that the Giants were a team of lucky breaks and a crazy confluence of fortunate events.
Giants: I raise this much. Is that a lot? Maybe I'll just put all my chips in. (giggles)
Yankees/Phillies/Whoever: But I have an Ace high flush, you can't possibly have me beat. I call.
Giants: Aw shucks, all I have is these here cards. Are they any good? Ooooh! That card you just put down in the middle is the same number as my card! Ooooh! Again! Do I win? Do I win?
The fact is that the Giants dealt with a pretty average amount of adversity during the regular season, including a horrible month of pitching from their ace, two months of Todd Wellemeyer, a ruptured appendix in September, injuries to their 2nd baseman and shortstop, and a horrible season from the player they had assumed would be their best hitter. According to the Bill James calculation, they still should have won 96 games. They won 92 instead, meaning they were unlucky during the regular season. They still won the division outright and had the 2nd best record in the National League.
Did Huff outperform expectations? Sure. Torres? Yes. Name a single team that didn't have two players outperform expectations. This is the basis of your prediction, Rob? That two of our players might not have as good a year this year as they had last year? And that outweighs a full season of Bumgarner and Posey and Ross, a possibly resurgent Sandoval, the addition of Belt, the likelihood that Timmy won't forget how to pitch for six weeks, the Jamesean calculation that the Baseball Gods owe us a few games in the standings?
Think about this sentence:
"If there's reason for optimism, it's tied almost solely to the assumption that Buster Posey and Madison Bumgarner will continue to thrive in their first full seasons. "
Think about that again.
Think hard.
What is wrong with that sentence...............
How about this:
If there's a reason for optimism, it's tied almost solely to the fact that WE ARE DEFENDING WORLD CHAMPIONS. That makes me optimistic. That makes me think, hey, we might have a decent team this year. We might have a chance to compete with the 4th place Dodgers or 3rd place Rockies.
If the entire core of a 95-loss team comes back, that's not a reason for optimism.
When the entire core of a World Championship team comes back, that's a different story.
Imagine if the Yankees won the world series and Boston's best player was traded during the off-season and Tampa and Toronto basically stood pat. Would you expect ESPN to make a prediction of a "not particularly competitive third place" finish for the Yankees? Of course.
Will the Dodgers be able to make up the 12 game gap between themselves and the Giants by fielding the same team they had last year minus Manny Ramirez?
Will the Rockies be able to jump from 3rd to a dominating 1st place finish by fielding the same team they had last year plus Ty Wigginton?
Well, let me make a profound prediction:
"We'll know in 8 or 9 months."
So I'll tell you then. Except I'll be asleep in Connecticut while the games in California are actually being played. So I may not watch. So I'll read about it online. Probably on ESPNLosAngeles.com. And then I'll retweet it. I promise.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Day At Camp Panda
First: Anyone know a good divorce lawyer?
I was at work when this happened. Not cool.
Speaking of pudgy, The Round Mound of Pound has apparently lost 17 pounds and is now down to a slim 228 (see Pablo Pound-o-Meter at right).
24 Days of Magic Nutrition Correspondent Ian Stumpf travelled to Arizona last week to get a copy of Pablo's daily routine. Pablo wasn't home, so he snuck in and stole a copy. Pablo, if you're reading this, move the key to the backdoor out from under the garden gnome and hide it somewhere else.
7am: Sleep
8am: Sleep
9am: Asks cook hired by Giants to please, please, not make another celery smoothie.
9:01am: No, seriously, you do not understand. I am going to die.
9:02am: How much are they paying you? I can pay you more.
9:03am: I am going to quit. You tell that a-hole Sabean that I don't want to play anymore.
9:04am: Please put the phone down, I was kidding.
9:06am: Drinks celery smoothie.
9:46am: Finishes celery smoothie.
9:47am to 10:56am: World of Warcraft
11am: Batting Practice.
11:08am: You can stop throwing me curveballs in the dirt. I'm not going to swing at them. Again.
Noon: Lunch! Excuse me, Mr. Chef, but I do not believe that the "B" in "BLT" stands for "bread."
1pm - 2pm: Answers fan mail. Practices different Panda-related signature. Settles on having the "O" in "Sandoval" be a Panda face.
2:01pm: Realizes he can't draw a panda face.
2:02pm: Asks chef if he knows how to draw.
2:03pm - 6pm: What do you mean each lap is only part of a mile?? This is making me want to throw you across the track but I will not be doing that because that would be exercise and that's what you want, you devil. Why do you think I do not run away when you come at me with the carrot-flavored milkshake? Hey, what is that? Stop. I will run away this time. But that is what you want! Alas, I am between a hard rock and a place.
6:10pm: Dinner! Making the broccoli in the shape of a panda does not make me happy. I thought you couldn't draw.
6:30pm - Midnight: Googles "Panda 2009 Awesome" while eating from hidden stash of Twinkies. Rues profound contradiction that is life.
I was at work when this happened. Not cool.
Speaking of pudgy, The Round Mound of Pound has apparently lost 17 pounds and is now down to a slim 228 (see Pablo Pound-o-Meter at right).
24 Days of Magic Nutrition Correspondent Ian Stumpf travelled to Arizona last week to get a copy of Pablo's daily routine. Pablo wasn't home, so he snuck in and stole a copy. Pablo, if you're reading this, move the key to the backdoor out from under the garden gnome and hide it somewhere else.
7am: Sleep
8am: Sleep
9am: Asks cook hired by Giants to please, please, not make another celery smoothie.
9:01am: No, seriously, you do not understand. I am going to die.
9:02am: How much are they paying you? I can pay you more.
9:03am: I am going to quit. You tell that a-hole Sabean that I don't want to play anymore.
9:04am: Please put the phone down, I was kidding.
9:06am: Drinks celery smoothie.
9:46am: Finishes celery smoothie.
9:47am to 10:56am: World of Warcraft
11am: Batting Practice.
11:08am: You can stop throwing me curveballs in the dirt. I'm not going to swing at them. Again.
Noon: Lunch! Excuse me, Mr. Chef, but I do not believe that the "B" in "BLT" stands for "bread."
1pm - 2pm: Answers fan mail. Practices different Panda-related signature. Settles on having the "O" in "Sandoval" be a Panda face.
2:01pm: Realizes he can't draw a panda face.
2:02pm: Asks chef if he knows how to draw.
2:03pm - 6pm: What do you mean each lap is only part of a mile?? This is making me want to throw you across the track but I will not be doing that because that would be exercise and that's what you want, you devil. Why do you think I do not run away when you come at me with the carrot-flavored milkshake? Hey, what is that? Stop. I will run away this time. But that is what you want! Alas, I am between a hard rock and a place.
6:10pm: Dinner! Making the broccoli in the shape of a panda does not make me happy. I thought you couldn't draw.
6:30pm - Midnight: Googles "Panda 2009 Awesome" while eating from hidden stash of Twinkies. Rues profound contradiction that is life.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Our Former Brothers and Sisters in Suffering
The San Francisco Giants used to be a pretty sorry lot. For instance, 1958. 1959. 1960. 1961. 1962. 1963. (THE FOLLOWING 36 SENTENCES HAVE BEEN REDACTED DUE TO VIOLATION OF BLOGGER.COM'S TERMS AND CONDITIONS REGARDING TIRING REDUNDANCY.) 2000. 2001. 2002. 2003. 2004. 2005. 2006. 2007. 2008. 2009. And most of 2010.
No championships. A huge number of painful close calls, none worse than 2002, but let me tell you, unless you like watching a bunch of grown men wearing teal dance around in a circle while 468 people shake their arthritis medicine in appreciation, 2003 was no picnic either.
But now we're amazing. Defending champs. And as the Saints proved yesterday in losing to the football equivalent of the 2010 Houston Astros, that's not going to last forever, so we might as well savor it while we can.
But let's not be those people who rise from their humble origins and forget the schmucks they grew up with. Let's be Andres Torres, who grew up picking yams out of the ground and now uses his fame to help children with ADHD. Hmmm. That doesn't fit, actually. It's not like the impoverished citizens of Puerto Rico sat around and said "man, if we could just get rid of ADHD..."
Anyway, my point (Yes! I DO have a point!) is that we should remember our roots:
THE WHY OH WHY DO THE BASEBALL GODS HATE US CLUB?
1. Chicago Cubs: I think it has something to do with a goat, yes? Let me see here. Aha.
The Billy Goat curse was supposedly placed on the Cubs in 1945 when Billy Goat Tavern owner Billy Sianis was asked to leave a World Series game against the Detroit Tigers at the Cubs' home ground of Wrigley Field because his pet goat's odor was bothering other fans.[1] He was outraged and declared, "Them Cubs, they aren't gonna win no more..." -Wikipedia
So, to recap. A man brought his pet goat to a baseball game. Of course, the Cubs were in the midst of a 37 year drought when this happened, so it doesn't explain everything. But anyone who watched the 2003 NLCS can attest to the power of the goat. The Cubs led 3 games to 1, and led 3-0 in the top of the 8th at home in Game 6. They also had a 5-3 lead in Game 7.
Brutal.
2. Cleveland Indians: The Indians haven't won since 1948, but I attribute that to their racist mascot. However, they can still be in the club despite the fact that they have brought this suffering on themselves because I just feel so sorry for Cleveland. We stand with you, Cleveland. I'd love to see Brian Wilson pitch to Lebron. That would be #6 in my "Weird-nonsensical sports fantasies" right after "The Stanford Tree running crossing patterns in the NFL" and "Shaq taking the bronze in women's speed skating."
3. City of Washington D.C.: The nation's capitol hasn't won a World Series since 1924, and has had to watch their team leave town twice and stand by while cities like Tampa Bay and Denver got expansion teams. And now, on the cusp of revitalization, they get a sensation like Stephen Strasburg and then....ugh. Next we'll find out that Bryce Harper is going to pull a Glenn Coffee and leave baseball to become a monk in the most esteemed temple of the High Priest Moonbeam Figtree.
4. Milwaukee Brewers: 40 years without a title. That gets you in the club. Plus I've been to a Cardinals-Brewers game in Milwaukee and it was very much like attending a Yankees-Orioles game in Baltimore. That is to say, too many fans of the road team were:
a) in the stands
b) acting with a sense of entitlement and superiority
I look forward to the Giants raising their championship flag against the Cardinals.
5. Pittsburgh Pirates: The Pirates won a title 31 years ago, but that's like saying somebody whose wife left them and hasn't had a single date in 18 years is doing alright because they dated a model once in college. Plus I feel partially responsible since their decline began with Bonds leaving. Not that Bonds to the Giants didn't make a ton of sense, but still. At least they have the Steelers.
Honorable Mention: All those new teams that have never won anything: There are different levels, though. No team created since 1980 is on that list (Rays, Rockies). The Mariners are on that list, having never made the Series. Texas is on that list. And I guess the Astros. The state of Texas has won ONE world series game in history. Guess who that game was against?
Us.
See? In the words of Giants fan Rob Schneider:
"Oh no! We suck again!"
No championships. A huge number of painful close calls, none worse than 2002, but let me tell you, unless you like watching a bunch of grown men wearing teal dance around in a circle while 468 people shake their arthritis medicine in appreciation, 2003 was no picnic either.
But now we're amazing. Defending champs. And as the Saints proved yesterday in losing to the football equivalent of the 2010 Houston Astros, that's not going to last forever, so we might as well savor it while we can.
But let's not be those people who rise from their humble origins and forget the schmucks they grew up with. Let's be Andres Torres, who grew up picking yams out of the ground and now uses his fame to help children with ADHD. Hmmm. That doesn't fit, actually. It's not like the impoverished citizens of Puerto Rico sat around and said "man, if we could just get rid of ADHD..."
Anyway, my point (Yes! I DO have a point!) is that we should remember our roots:
THE WHY OH WHY DO THE BASEBALL GODS HATE US CLUB?
1. Chicago Cubs: I think it has something to do with a goat, yes? Let me see here. Aha.
The Billy Goat curse was supposedly placed on the Cubs in 1945 when Billy Goat Tavern owner Billy Sianis was asked to leave a World Series game against the Detroit Tigers at the Cubs' home ground of Wrigley Field because his pet goat's odor was bothering other fans.[1] He was outraged and declared, "Them Cubs, they aren't gonna win no more..." -Wikipedia
So, to recap. A man brought his pet goat to a baseball game. Of course, the Cubs were in the midst of a 37 year drought when this happened, so it doesn't explain everything. But anyone who watched the 2003 NLCS can attest to the power of the goat. The Cubs led 3 games to 1, and led 3-0 in the top of the 8th at home in Game 6. They also had a 5-3 lead in Game 7.
Brutal.
2. Cleveland Indians: The Indians haven't won since 1948, but I attribute that to their racist mascot. However, they can still be in the club despite the fact that they have brought this suffering on themselves because I just feel so sorry for Cleveland. We stand with you, Cleveland. I'd love to see Brian Wilson pitch to Lebron. That would be #6 in my "Weird-nonsensical sports fantasies" right after "The Stanford Tree running crossing patterns in the NFL" and "Shaq taking the bronze in women's speed skating."
3. City of Washington D.C.: The nation's capitol hasn't won a World Series since 1924, and has had to watch their team leave town twice and stand by while cities like Tampa Bay and Denver got expansion teams. And now, on the cusp of revitalization, they get a sensation like Stephen Strasburg and then....ugh. Next we'll find out that Bryce Harper is going to pull a Glenn Coffee and leave baseball to become a monk in the most esteemed temple of the High Priest Moonbeam Figtree.
4. Milwaukee Brewers: 40 years without a title. That gets you in the club. Plus I've been to a Cardinals-Brewers game in Milwaukee and it was very much like attending a Yankees-Orioles game in Baltimore. That is to say, too many fans of the road team were:
a) in the stands
b) acting with a sense of entitlement and superiority
I look forward to the Giants raising their championship flag against the Cardinals.
5. Pittsburgh Pirates: The Pirates won a title 31 years ago, but that's like saying somebody whose wife left them and hasn't had a single date in 18 years is doing alright because they dated a model once in college. Plus I feel partially responsible since their decline began with Bonds leaving. Not that Bonds to the Giants didn't make a ton of sense, but still. At least they have the Steelers.
Honorable Mention: All those new teams that have never won anything: There are different levels, though. No team created since 1980 is on that list (Rays, Rockies). The Mariners are on that list, having never made the Series. Texas is on that list. And I guess the Astros. The state of Texas has won ONE world series game in history. Guess who that game was against?
Us.
See? In the words of Giants fan Rob Schneider:
"Oh no! We suck again!"
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