I Officially Submit My Application for Admission into the American League West

Giants 2, Rangers 0

The Rangers bullpen is BAD. Oops, left the bold key on. But man...all this talk about how good the Texas offense is, and it turns out that they're only that good because they've been facing American League pitching all year. Yesterday the Rangers brought in one guy who coudln't throw a strike, another guy who has a 5.4 era, a third guy who has pitched in 10 games all season. They curiously didn't bring in the closer with the 2 era and the 100mph fastball. Which makes sense. Because the guys who got hits that inning, you know, Aaron Rowand, Edgar Renteria....those guys KILL100mph fastballs.

I think McCovey Chronicles said it best.

"When I think about the 2010 Giants, I think about homeruns by Edgar Renteria and 7-run rallies born of vigilant plate discipline."

But like I said, we've been facing National League pitchers all year. For all we know, if you stuck Renteria on the Royals, he hits .387 and hits 30 bombs. As such, I am officially applying to have the Giants play in the AL West next year.

Team Name: Giants!

Current Division: NL West.

Reason for wanting to switch: We have trouble hitting. Would like to face the Royals, Blue Jays, and Rangers more often.

Which teams in your current league would support your move: Not to sound cocky, but probably all of them.

What are you wearing? Excuse me?!?!?

Is that a fake beard? Maybe....

Now, does all this talk mean I think the Giants are going to win the world series? No.

Do we have a chance? I guess.

All it means is that hte last two days were insanely fun. After scoring 30 runs in 10 games, we scored 20 runs in 2 games. Nolan Ryan looked like he was ready to jump on the field and whip some a$$, and then pitch himself.

And now we go back to Texas, but with one very, very wonderful safety valve. For the first time in these playoffs, the Giants leave home and hit the road knowing that no matter what, they're coming home. When they left SF to go to Atlanta, I feared we'd never see them alive again. Same with heading to Philly for Game 6. And then each time they'd show up again, and yell "surprise!" and we'd wipe away our tears and hug them and then hit them and yell "don't DO that again! I mean it!" And they'd laugh and run away and go play with matches. Or something.

Moving on.

What can I say aout Matt Cain? I love when Matt Cain pitches to Buster Posey. It's like all the weirdness on the team is blocked out and suddenly it's these two southern guys. What are their conversations on the mound like vs. Buster's conversations with Timmy or Wilson?

Buster: What do you want to throw?

Timmy: F$%*#%##% don't worry about it. I'll throw a #$#(*($ changeup, man.

Buster: What do you want to throw?

Wilson: The Machine will throw whatever feels most Ninja. I'll let you know, buddy.

Buster: What do you want to throw?

Cain: Probably a curveball. Hey, we playing bridge Tuesday? Chelsea loves bridge.

Buster: Maybe. Touched By An Angel is on.

Uribe: Say what????

Cain: When did you get here?

But I digress.

I received some great texts last night. One from a non-Giants fan who confessed he is completely on the bandwagon despite the fact that he normally never does that. One that said "hey...they should bring in Zito...even he can't blow this." One that went off on Justin Bieber.

Taking those last two one at a time...

-How much does it suck to be Guillermo Mota's mom? Who's your son? Oh, he's the pitcher for the Giants. They dont' trust him to pitch unless they have a 9-run lead. If they have a 6-run lead, they're worried he'll give up 7 runs. But as soon as they get a 9-run lead, my little Guillermo runs down to that bullpen and warms up right away!

-But then again, how much does it suck to be Zito's mom? Who's your son? Oh, you know the guy on the Giants who pitches only if the Giants have a 9-run lead? Well, if he ever gets hurt....

-If Fox ever, EVER shows me another picture of Justin Bieber wearing a Giants hat, Rangers jacket, and apparently no shirt, I'm going to probably throw up on myself.

Last, you have to check out the McCovey Chronicles "Choose Your Own Path To The World Series". It's like a choose your own adventure book, you know, like "Fight the dragon, turn to page 24. Run away, turn to page 38" and then you turn to page 24 and it says "YOu got eaten! you're dead! The End."

Sample:

Draft a hitter! turn to page 108

No! Draft another pitcher! We need more pitchers! turn to page 123

and

Draft the catcher about whom the oracle as foretold turn to page 210

Draft that 1st baseman that that guy on that blog really likes turn to page 165

Brian Wilson Quoteable of the day

"This Twitter crap, I've obviously got to stop because people are taking it too serious. My aspect of that is I write a bunch of stuff that's not true. It's made up. Obviously I'm not doing things like going toe-to-toe with a ninja. Find me a ninja, for one."

Special Latenight Tearjerker

Giants 2, Rangers 0

"First they ignore you
then they laugh at you
then they fight you
then you win."
-Ghandi

Tomorrow I'll have more about the game.

Tonight, I am sitting at my computer and arriving at a very simple conclusion: When this is over, I'm going to cry.

Obviously if they lose, I'm going to sob. What was my metaphor about your woman leaving you at the alter? We're way past that. Losing now would be so unbearably cruel, I can't even begin to imagine the horror.

But if they win, I'm going to cry too. For the same reason that this corny MLB ad video gives me goosebumps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-r6O-XKU9o

It's not just because I grew up playing catch with my dad, or that I started a family through little league, playing catch with Collin. It's...ok....stay with me here, I'm about to get weird:

It's the picture of Timmy as a little kid...he has no idea! Like baby Jesus to Christians, or little Barack to Democrats (used to be that way, anyway...). He has no idea. No idea that one day he's going to stand at the front of something incredible. That millions of people will see him as a symbol for a team that in its own way is a symbol for something even bigger.

Because the Giants are underdogs, sure, but they're more than that. They are, when you think about it, kind of a symbol of hope. That if things seem really dark, even for a really long time like, say, hypothetically, for 56 years or forever, depending on how you see it, that one day there will be light. Or that maybe searing pain...

http://www.baseball-reference.com/bullpen/2002_Angels
(oh god the picture!!!!!!!!!!!)

....is for a reason....that this team wouldn't have been THIS TEAM if the Giants had won in 2002. They'd be fun, but that's it.

No, I'm sorry, but I do not apologize for my goosebumps. We love Timmy not because he is a good pitcher, but because the combination of his spirit and his dominance are so rare. He doesn't take himself too seriously. He doesn't taunt people. He's sooooo West Coast. But more than that, he just seems like somebody who transcends what athletes are supposed to be like. It seems like he's having fun.

And he's leading the weirdest, most wonderful parade behind him, a crazy collection of panda hats, fake beards, baseball players nobody else wanted, and every weirdo who ever crawled out of Russian Hill, the Tenderloin, the Mission, or Twin Peaks. This parade is marching forward, pushing past baseball "experts", computer simulations, the media, the 2-time National League champions, until now, when it stands and faces the imposing brick wall of HISTORY.

History says no. History says teams like this don't win championships. History says people who are always heartbroken should stay heartbroken.

But as much as we love this team because they are so kid-like, we also love them because they are fearless. History doesn't scare them.

2 more wins.

2.

I think about Tim Lincecum starting high school at 4 foot 10 inches, and I get goosebumps. When I think about bringing this home, I don't think about any other Giants because even though Timmy is not exactly your standard "leader," he and he alone on this team has a certain aura about him...it says "give me the damn ball. I got this."

I can't wait to see him pitch one more time (oh shut up. we're not going to sweep and you know it). I want to think he dreamed this before he was even old enough to articulate what "this" is.

2 more wins.

This isn't going to be easy...history's not done screwing with us. But Baseball Gods, you better bring something more than just Cliff Lee and the "vaunted Ranger lineup." Because we have a bearded mental assassin, a Kung Fu Bench Panda, a bunch of rejects, and a scrawny kid with a magic arm.

You've got nothing but the status quo.

Calm down. It was just Cliff Lee.

Giants 1, Rangers 0

First of all, I need to say that going to the World Series is FUN. I mean, if I had to choose between going to the World Series or playing Mario Kart for the Super Nintendo while eating tacos, I'd....well....how many tacos are we talking about here?

I really like tacos.

This city is going crazy, and I give props to the East Coast Media for actually running several stories that accurately gage just how baseball-crazy San Francisco is and how desperate we are for a title. Just one. One little title. And then maybe a 20 year dynasty. (Here's the pitch...Ross drives one! Deep! He grabs his walker! He's rounding the batter's box! He's heading for first!")

Before the game, I got upset because Fox Sports' computer simulator picked the Giants to lose in 6. What was upsetting, though, was that this prediction was based on two of the games ending with the Rangers scoring more than 10 runs. Please. When is the last time the Giants gave up more than 10 runs in one game? That's insane. And then I watched in shock as THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD vs. Big Time Timmy Jim descended into some sort of anarchy involving errors, hit batters, and dozens of base hits. And 18 runs. Weird.

THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD was pitching, they scored 7 runs....And we won.

And it wasn't close.

It's funny how I'm terrified we're going to blow every game we play and yet when I go to the games, I become some sort of trash-talking ego monster.

"Hey Clifford!" I yelled at one point. "The quicker you lose, the sooner you can go sell out and get paid by the Yankees!"

I called him Clifford because calling him THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD kinda makes the smack talk less impactful.

Well, he's no longer the THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. He's no longer even the best posteseson pitcher on the Texas Rangers. That would be Colby Lewis.

Here's the proof:

Texas Rangers 2010 Postseason Starting Pitching ERA Leaders

Colby Lewis 1.45

THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD: 2.51

Ah, Clifford. Like my wife, you are from Arkansas. Unlike my wife, your favorite day of the year is Nov 13 because it's the start of Deer Hunting season. (My wife's favorite is Nov 30, because it's my birthday). And now, instead of Bambi, this dude can haunt your dreams:

Freddy was incredible, hitting doubles to 4 different parts of the field, including right at Vlademir Guerrero, which was a proven Giants strategy all game. Vlad has as much business playing Right Field as I do playing Catcher at that level. ("hey! do you mind not throwing so hard?")

Of course, we couldn't just take a big lead and coast. We had to give up more runs. And there is defintiely a part of me (from my shins to my neck, I think) that thinks "oh crap. The Rangers could score 7 runs every game. We're not going to score 11 every game. That's a bad sign."

But here's the good news: Journey. I love Journey now. And the Fist Pump Cam. And the Carleton dance after the top of the 6th.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbY5S75uBVY&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVSXBbZpzkQ&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyVdbfyvwso

And the guys selling t-shirts on 3rd street that say "Timmy's Dropping Bombs" and have pictures of bombs with the letter "F" on them falling on Atlanta, Philadelphia, and Dallas. Good role modeling by Timmy? No. But at least he swears as an expression of happiness, and not because he's angry or trying to intimidate somebody.

And the "Fear the Beard" sign on BART, or the BART "special announcement" that said "who says don't mess with Texas? GO GIANTS!"

And the signs plastered inside storefronts that say "ITS TORTURE...but we love it."

This team might be the most likeable group of professional athletes ever assembled. Dont' believe that, then go rewatch that Fist Pump Cam video and see Sergio Romo. Don't believe that, go watch Brian Wilson on the Jim Rome Show.

We're 3 wins from Destiny. We just beat THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. We're lighting an entire region of the country on fire.

I'd say the chances of us blowing this thing has gotta be down to maybe 86%.

And now, the newest feature of 53 Days of Magic: The Brian Wilson Quotable!

“I’d like to be a crossword clue one day,” Wilson said. “I want to be in The New York Times’s Sunday edition. Right now, the clue ‘Giants great’ is always Mel Ott. I want my clue to be down, not across. The down ones are usually harder. And when I’m the clue, I’ll fill it in — just that one — and frame it. How sweet would that be?”

The Giants Win the Pennant! In 2010! Yeah! Those Giants!

SF Giants: National League Champions

Wow.

The Giants are going to the world series. This year. This team. Like starting Wednesday. And they're playing the Texas Rangers. And we have a black president. And wait...hold on....Arafat just rose from the grave and shook hands with Netanyahu...there's peace in Jerusalem. And also the Giants are going to the World Series.

After the first inning of Game 6, I really didn't think we would win. Let me rephrase. I thought we were going to lose by about 123 runs. I was already prepping myself for Game 7. What would I do when we lost Game 7? Maybe eat myself sick. Maybe cry like a baby. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe all 3. Maybe go for a walk and not come home until 4am, reeking of taco bell sauce, eyes all puffy, pants all muddy from dropping to my knees in the middle of the street and screaming "Why do you hate me???" to the Baseball Gods.

But then something weird happened. We scored 2 runs. We should have scored more. Watch this replay of Victorino's throw home. Watch what happens when it hits the mound. Then you will understand what kind of voodoo evil we're up against.

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=12899031

And then the game settled into the predictable torture-fest that we love so much. It wasn't Phillies baseball, it was Giants baseball. It was pretty awful, and then it became magical. Juan Uribe hit a homerun to the opposite field. You know how many of those he'd hit in the last FOUR years? Hint. Less than 1. And then the game became awful and torturous again, and then magical again only when Brian Wilson struck out Ryan Howard. Was it low, Ryan? Maybe. Shoudl you have swung? Yes, you big goober. You should have swung. But you didn't. And now YOU have to listen to Tim McCarver too. Sucka.

I laughed when the Giants rallied in the top of the 9th. As though we were going to score more runs and break the game open. I also laughed when Brian Wilson came up to hit because he looks so damn goofy in that helmet.

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=12902369

Speaking of Brian Wilson:

This is his quote on Buster Posey:

“It’s the first time I’ve seen some absolute, unadulterated craziness out of that guy. I thought he was going to punch me and I was totally accepting of it. I was planning a reason to thank him if he did.”

It's hard to understate how excited this area is about the Giants right now. This team is so colorful, so completely random, and their ascent to this level was so unexpected. I thought we would beat the Braves, with the understanding that we'd probably blow it. I thought we'd lose to the Phillies. We didn't. We're in the World Series. And also we're in the World Series.

Least happy people about the Giants making the world series:

A) Charlie Manuel. Looked like he was going to cry in the post-game interview. 1 title in 3 years isn't enough? Come on.

B) George W. Bush. As one person put it, the bet between Bush and Gavin Newsom is now ON. If the Giants win it all, Texas has to legalize gay marriage. If the Rangers win, we have to allow everyone in the city to carry guns and start executing everyone with a cocaine conviction. Well, ALMOST everyone. Maybe not Ron Washington. Or George W. Bush. Or Josh Hamilton. Wow. Those Rangers are all crack heads.

C) All those Phillies fans near the Giants bullpen who called Jeremy Affeldt names because he kept warming up instead of running down to the infield to stand around and pretend to fight. Jeremy Affeldt has done more to end human trafficking than you have. And he has a better curveball. Sometimes.

What kind of torture can we expect in the world series?

A) the "Cliff lee is pitching 2 games so we better win 4 of the other 5" torture. Puts even more pressure on us. Then again, Tim LIncecum and Matt Cain are pitching 4 games. And Jonathan Sanchez is usually pretty good. And Bumgarner is less bad than whoever Texas has out there in game 4. Probably some guy named C.J. or Colby or Cliff. It's like we're facing the Harvard rowing team.

B) the "wow, Timmy just made a perfect pitch, Vlad Guerrero chased it out of the zone, and still hit it 478 feet" torture. The Rangers can HIT. Which makes every inning nervewracking. Not like the Braves series where we felt like an inning consisting of Rick ankiel, Eric Hinske, and Tim Hudson was an automatic 0. Oh wait.

C) The "we really should win this series, oh crap what if we make it this far and then lose??" torture. Losing to the Phillies would feel....reasonable. I really don't feel like we should lose now. Can we not lose please?

But for now, let's just not worry about these things. Let's just focus on the unbelievable joy of making the world series.

After all, we should heed the words of our fearless leader, The Bearded One.

Reporter: Brian, what's your message to all those fans back in San Francisco.

Wilson: Go ballistic. Go ballistic because tomorrow we're going to get on a plane and fly back and join you.

Pause.

Pause.

(Turns to face camera)

FACT.

Today's Poll Question:

World. Series.

A) Who, us? What?

B) I knew it all along. Hey! Why is my nose getting longer?

C) Don't! STop! BELIEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVING! (doing the Carleton dance)

D) So there's no game 7 in Philly? Ohthankgod.

Why does it feel like we're losing? Oh, right.

Giants 3, Phillies 2

Tim Lincecum out-pitched Roy Halladay yesterday. Absolutely no question. But we gave up some dumb runs, couldn't get clutch hits, and played bad defense. And we lost.

What, you thought this was going to be easy?

When we needed just one win against the Padres the last weekend, we lost two games before finally winning on the last day. When it looked like we had the Braves beat in game 2, we lost and put ourselves through two days of torture in Atlanta.

I'm not saying we're going to win, but I do believe that win or lose, it just wasn't going to be this easy. We're going to have to earn it.

Yesterday was just "weird."

It started when Roy Halladay seemed to stare down Pat Burrell after striking him out, and Burrell yelled "what the $%^^ are you looking at?"

Well, as it turned out, Halladay wasn't really looking at anything, according to him. Just looking. LIke a Canadian wandering through a large American city, oblivious to the fact that....wait....Halladay's actually Canadian, isnt' he? Hold on.
Dang. No, he's not. He's from Colorado. But his real name is Harry Leroy Halladay. That's pretty gooberish, to then go by "Roy".

Everywhere I go, Giants fans say things like "well, it's not over yet. we can still do it." And I nod in agreement because that FEELS right. But then I stop and say "wait...we're winning...."

Yeah, but it's the Giants!! And now we have to go to Philly. And we HAD that game, even if only for 2 glorious innings.

It's funny how this stuff works, though. Right now, I'm watching the Rangers hold a 4-run lead on the Yankees, 8 outs from the World Series. I'd rather be the Rangers than the Yankees, obviously, but...still....oh god, Craig Sager is wearing a purple shirt. And it's not even "wear purple" day.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we've been here before, and it's not pretty. The last time the Giants took a 3-2 lead into Game 6 of a 7-game series, the worst game in Giants history followed:

(No, Andy, don't do this)
I have to. The people need to see this.
(No. Please. I just ate.)
Sorry. The truth must come out.

Game 6

Saturday, October 26, 2002 at Edison International Field of Anaheim in Anaheim, California

Team	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	R	H	E
San Francisco	0	0	0	0	3	1	1	0	0	5	8	1
Anaheim	0	0	0	0	0	0	3	3	X	6	10	1

Pitchers of record
WP:	Brendan Donnelly (1–0)	LP:	Tim Worrell (1–1)
Sv:	Troy Percival (2)
Home runs
ANA:	Scott Spiezio (1), Darin Erstad (1)	SF:	Shawon Dunston (1), Barry Bonds (4)

The last time before that was 1987, and Game 6 was the 2nd worst game in Giants history. We lost when our right fielder, who was named Candy, by the way, lost a fly ball in the lights. So I'm sorry if it feels like we're losing.

Hold on. Tim Worrell. I had forgotten about him. Oh man. I feel sick.

Oh God, why. Why did they bring him in? Nen could have gotten 6 outs. And Speizio. Forever known as Scott "$%#%#%" Speizio.

See? So what's going on now is the Phillies are going home, feeling OK. Not great. Not terrible. Still behind, still alive. And everytime they turn to look at the powerful rival that has thwarted them so far in this series, instead they see a bunch of grown men hiding in the corner, muttering about Brendan Donnelly and clawing insanely at their own eyes. Giants Baseball: A Therapist's dream.

I have no comments on pitching matchups or lineups or anything else. The Giants just need to win one game. Just one. They went to Atlanta demoralized and came home heroes. They CAN do it. Will they?

I'm not sure. I'm curled up in a ball tearing my hair out and muttering about Jose Cruz Jr. That's right, Phillies fans. That's what I'm doing. What the $%# are you looking at?

Today's Poll Question
Let's distract ourselves from impending torture. What's your least favorite NLCS commercial?
A) Man sitting in film room. Guy spits dart at him. Steals movies. Over, and over, and over again.
B) Man sitting in film room. Guy spits dart at him. Steals movies. Over, and over, and over again
C) I don't mind the commercials because Tim McCarver is not in them.
D) Glee Rocky Horror Picture Show.

And now, we travel back in time to when the Giants sucked (cue funky music)

Giants 3, Phillies 1. Wait. That can't be right. Hold on. Really? And then they...wow. Wait, Cody who?

Before I begin to write this email, hyperventilating the entire time (how long until first pitch? that long? how about now?) a message from our sponsor:

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE FREAKING WORLD SERIES! ARE YOU CRAZY? WE STILL HAVE TO BEAT THE PHILLIES ONE MORE TIME AND THE CY YOUNG WINNER IS PITCHING TONIGHT FOLLOWED BY THE GUY WHO BEAT US LIKE 2 DAYS AGO FOLLOWED BY THE 2008 WORLD SERIES MVP. STOP. STOP. HAVE YOU STOPPED YET?

Ahem.

Last night was insane. Like high-fiving strangers insane. Like 40,000 people coming out a park chanting "UUUUUU-RIBE! UUUUU-RIBE!" insane. LIke I almost took out my wallet and paid $15 for a shirt that said "The Freak is my Homeboy" insane.

"Buster Posey makes me question my sexual orientation just a little bit," says the gchat status of one friend.

A little bit?

4 hits. Two doubles. An amazing play at the plate to save a run. Buster Posey doesn't make me question my sexual orientation. He makes me question why I bothered to live before he became a Giant. Life without Buster? What did that even look like? And speaking of which...

We flash back to May.

Buster Posey was in AAA, playing for the Fresno Grizzlies.

His teammate was Madison Bumgarner.

Pat Burrell was on his couch, eating chips, and calling up old girlfriends asking if they were still single.

Andres Torres was riding the bench.

Cody Ross was a Marlin, hoping to beat out the Mets for 3rd place in the NL East.

Brian Wilson didn't have a beard.

Mike Fontenot was hiding in the tree outside Hogwarts.

Javier Lopez was striking out fools....for the Pirates.

If you had gathered them in a room, (hey! why are you kidnapping me and putting me in this room? Who is the weird dude with the toothpick in his mouth? Your name is Madison? Isn't that a girl's name? Ow! Stop poking me!) and said:

"Ok, listen. You're all going to play for the Giants this year, you're all going to be amazing, and you're going to take a 3-1 lead on the Phillies in the NLCS."

How would they have reacted? Laughter? Advice on how to acquire anti-psychotics?

But here we are. And we're here thanks to Buster and his 4 hits. Thanks to Santiago Casilla and Sergio Romo for manning up after giving up runs and not letting the game slip away. Thanks to Juan Uribe for jacking a pitch 2 inches off the ground and 4 feet outside and hitting it 300 feet to left field. You are so weird, Uribe. I don't understand you. But I love you. And my favorite, thanks to Kung Fu Panda for finally getting his moment and once again becoming the "Round Mound of Pound." I don't think I've ever been as happy for a baseball player as I was for Pablo Sandoval when he stood out there on 2nd base after hitting his double. I'd say I've never been that happy for a millionaire but I don't think Pablo is a millionaire and even if he was, he undoubtedly already spent half his fortune on funnel cake.

Last night, before the bottom of the 9th, the scoreboard played a clip from the movie "Miracle". In the scene, the coach is addressing his players in the locker room.

"They are better," he said. "If we played them 10 times, they'd beat us 9 times. But not this time. Not tonight. Tonight is our night. You were born to play THIS game."

Freak. You are my homeboy. Bring us home.

Today's Poll Question

ADFL:SKDJFL:SKDJFL:KDJFL:KJD:FLKJL:!

A) I know! I know!

B) Breathe in....breathe out.....breathe in....

C) Is it 4:57 yet? How about now?

D) Still waiting for this ridiculous dream to end and for me to wake up and find out Giants finished 4th. Any minute now.....

Cain plans to use 1 run, store other two in his cheeks for winter

Giants 2, Phillies 1

Yesterday was strangely without torture. Sure, there was the top of the 7th when the Phillies got 2 on with 2 out and Victorino worked the count to 3-2. And Utley was on deck. But Javier Lopez was in the bullpen.

And Javier Lopez rocks.

My friend Marcus even accused Javier of not being a real Giants after his 1-2-3 8th inning. That inning, Marcus noted, had "an alarming lack of agonizing drama."

Yeah, go somewhere else to pitch, Lopez! Go somewhere where they like quick painless 8th innings! We don't want your kind here!

(psst. I was kidding. please don't leave. I love you.)

The Giants offense, meanwhile, was sizzling. Sure, we didn't get any base runners in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and went scoreless in the 6th, 7th, and 8th. But in the 4th we got TWO hits and ONE walk. And in the 5th we got ONE hit and one ERROR-HIT-THINGY. And here i thought Cole Hamels was a good pitcher. Guess not.

The Giants have now scored....wait for it...19 runs in 7 playoff games. They've allowed....18.

19

And they scored THREE for Matt Cain! For Cain-Daddy, that must have felt like christmas in October. Three runs is absurd. Ridiculous. Three runs. Please. He only needed half a run. Afterwards he went in the locker room and screamed at everyone for 30 minutes.

"If you did this every game, I'd have won the cy young instead of hippy boy over there! ME! ME! But no. Thanks for nothing."

It's true. Two years ago, Matt Cain had a 2.8 era for the season. His record was something like 7-39.

Fun facts about yesterday;

-Giants fans lined up behind the Fox sports booth to chant "Karros sucks! Karros sucks!" at "analyst" Eric Karros. That's what you get for being a Dodger.

-Tim McCarver spent approximately 3 innings talking about AJ Burnett. If the Giants somehow get lucky and the Rangers finish off the Yankes, Fox is going to weep at the prospect of a San Francisco - Texas world series. Because who wants to watch Tim Lincecum pitch to Josh Hamilton when you could watch Joba Chamberlain scratch his head.

-Tim McCarver spent the other 6 innings talking about Freddy Sanchez's bunting technique. Apparently if you put your bat in foul territory, you bunt the ball foul. But if you put it in fair territory, you can bunt it fair (this is actually true). The fact that Sanchez put his bat in exactly the same spot two pitches in a row and bunted one foul and then one fair is of no concern. Nothing to see here, folks. Just keep watching and be glad it's not Joe Morgan.

Of course, we have now reached the point of no return. The Giants are now far enough long that any talk of "just being happy to be here" is insanity. We have a 2-1 lead. We've beaten Roy Halladay and Cole Hamels. The bottom line is that if we lose this series, we are going to be devatstated. Allow me to analogize:

Let's say you are a single male. And you meet the most beautiful woman in the world. And the most incredible personality. And she likes baseball. And she's FUNNY. But enough about me. No, seriously, so you meet this woman. And you ask her out. She says no.

A) No big deal. You didnt expect her to say yes! You're you! You have spaghetti sauce on your shirt, you goober.

But then she changes her mind and says yes. And you go out. And have a great time! But then she says...no thanks to a 2nd date.

B) Well, that sucked. That's like being in the wild card race and the Rockies beat you out by winning their final 37 games, all in their last at-bat.

Ok, but then there is a 2nd date and a 3rd date. And you start writing love poetry. And you change your screensaver from Aubrey Huff to her. And THEN she says "it's not you, it's...yeah, actually it's you. You're a goober. I'm going to date Eric Hinske."

C) Yeah, you're a goober. Somehow you got lucky and made the playoffs, but Eric Hinske hit a homerun and you lost. If you weren't a goober, she wouldn't have left you for Eric Hinske!

All this is to say that the appropriate analogy for blowing a 2-1 lead against the Phillies in the NLCS is that you propose to this woman, she says yes, and then sells the ring at a pawn shop to buy a plane ticket to Brazil to be with Alejandro, the dude who used to beat you up in 3rd grade before his parents moved back to Brazil to run the family gun business.

Don't do it to us now, Giants. Yesterday, we almost sorta gave you a ring. We said "we want to spend the rest of our life with you." We're standing here at the alter. We're wearing a clean suit (no spaghetti sauce!). Look! We did our hair up all nice!

Walk your torture-loving self down the aisle.

Please?

Today's Poll Question

Is Andy losing it a little?

A) I would say so

B) Edgar Renteria is batting leadoff, so apparently he's not the only one.

C) Did he ever "have it" to begin with?

D) He hasn't said "Marmol" in a while...that's a positive sign.

Marmol.

What, you mean we're not going to sweep the 2-time defending National League champions?

Giants 1, Phillies 1

I have to be honest. Last night was probably the most distraught I've been at a Giants loss since this one on April 10:

http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2010_04_10_atlmlb_sfnmlb_1&mode=wrap

See, the Giants were 4-0 at the time, and I really expected them to go 162-0. When they lost a game, it was like my universe shattered. And don't get me started on all the horrible details of this game. Edgar Renteria went 0-5, dropping his average at the time to .524. Waldis Joaquin allowed 2 runs in relief. And the Braves "tweet volume" was much higher than ours in the top of the 7th. Dang.

What, you thought we were going to sweep the Phillies? C'mon. Last night was no big deal. It would have been fantastic if we had won, but there was no moment, not one, when I thought "we are going to win this game." My internal monolgue, from the time Fontenot made his Sandoval-esque error in the 1st to the last pitch of the game went like this:

"we're losing, we're losing, we're losing, HOLY CRAP CODY ROSS, YOU ARE AMAZ....oh wow, we're losing again. we're losing, we're losing, we're losing...."

The way I see it, this 7-game series is going to consist of 2 blowout Phillies wins and 5 one-run games. We "just" have to go 4-1 in the close games, and so far we're 1-0. That's fine.

And the Phillies, while recovering some of their swagger, have to be a little concerned that even their "blowout" win was 2-1 in the 7th inning, and that their first run was unearned and came without a hit, and their 2nd run came on a sac-fly.

Concerned not in the sense that they might lose, but in the sense that they have a lot more torture to enjoy before they can start thinking about the Yankees.

What I would do if I was Bruce Bochy

First of all, you got to play Sandoval. Will he be terrible? Probably. Terribler than Mike Fontenot? Maybe. But there's a chance he could jack a homerun. Fontenot hasn't hit a homerun since he was 14, when they let him play little league because nobody could tell he was too old (he hadn't yet become a werewolf).

this picture was taken BEFORE he grew his werewolf mutton chops. And he looks like a werewolf anyway. Scary.

Next, you have to bat Cody Ross directly after the Giant with the highest on-base pct in the playoffs. So that means....Cody Ross. We should bat Cody Ross after Cody Ross. Do it, Boch.

Also there's the Andres Torres - Aaron Rowand debate. On the one hand, Andres Torres struck out 4 times yesterday and he bats BETTER lefty than righty, which is how he would bat against Cole Hamels in game 3. On the other hand, Aaron Rowand is awful at baseball. So it's a tough call. I'd go with Willie Mays. Is he available?

Game 3 is going to be a big game, no doubt about it. It's a very good pitching matchup, the winner takes the lead in the series. I'm so glad Fox recognized this and put the game on at 1pm Pacific time. There goes 4 hours of vacation time that I was planning to use in December to lie around the house in my pajamas and drink hot chocolate and play scrabble. Screw you, Tim McCarver.

One thing in the Giants favor is that the Phillies will have to get used to hitting in our ballpark. Those homeruns they hit in Game 1? Long outs in SF. Rollin's 3-run double? A 0-run out. The 512 foot blast Mickey Mantle hit in Yankee Stadium back in the day? Nate Schierholtz catches that in his hat while juggling batting gloves in triples alley.

Matt Cain. Kick some butt, man. Maybe they'll score some runs for you. Maybe the bullpen won't blow it. Maybe the full moon will come out and Fontenot will eat Ryan Howard. Oh wait. The game is at 1pm. Never mind. Better not give up any runs.

Today's Poll Question

Who is your leadoff hitter Tuesday?

A) Andres Torres. A leadoff hitter should never, ever, make contact with the ball.

B) Aaron Rowand. See above.

C) Cody Ross. Why? Cody Ross. Cody Ross. Cody Ross.

D) KUNG FU PANDA!!!!

Philadelphia: Welcome to Torture Land. Population: Yous guys and also us

Giants 1, Phillies 0

I warned you, Phillies. Not warned in a cocky way. Not warned as in "I'm warning you, we're going to beat you." No, I warned you that previously you had been playing baseball and now you're going to have to play Giants baseball, which is like baseball but far, far, more likely to result in me hugging a pillow for comfort.

(That's where I was in the 8th and 9th, alternating between pillow-hugging and screaming obscenities at the home plate umpire whose idea of a strike is a ball that is swung at and missed.)

So Philadelphia! How does it feel? Not much fun, huh? Did you like the part where your outfielder ALMOST caught that fly ball but not quite? Or when our infielders TWICE missed getting an out because they double-clutched? Was this different from previous games you played in which lots of people hit the ball really hard and all your runs weren't scored on fluke homeruns that got carried on a jetstream and landed one row behind the wall? Ready for six more games of this? Because there will be six more games of this.

Just like how the Giants COULD have scored a bunch of runs in the 9th to break it open (bases loaded, 1 out), but didn't. The series COULD go less than 7 games, but.....nahhhh.

I have to say that my favorite part of writing this email/blog/rant thingy is that every time the Giants win a game, the number of "days of magic" goes up. Because the season goes longer. And it's pretty mixed feelings for me because
a) I love this team passionately, but
b) Watching this team play makes me want to throw up

I mean, let's take quotes from the stars of the Giants win tonight.

Cody Ross: When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rodeo clown. Those guys have no fear.
Brian Wilson: (upon being asked about his role by Jim Rome). I'm a mental assassin. Yeah...I'd say I nailed that question.
Tim Lincecum: (upon being asked what his reaction was to Wilson closing the game). I think I said f$%^ yeah!

Are they interesting, fun, cool people? yes! Do I like watching them play? Hell no!

Timmy's performance tonight was gutsy. He didn't have his best stuff. He couldn't throw sliders because of his finger. And the home plate umpire was so bad that he did the "strike-3 punch-out" motion on strike 2. But he hung in there, and one bad pitch to Werth aside, was awesome. What I love about Timmy is that his best inning is usually his last. In the top of the 7th, his spot came up in the order. He'd thrown over 100 pitches. he'd given up 2 runs the inning before. And yet there he was at the plate, flailing at Halladay's curveball like a....something. And then bottom of the 7th: three up, three down. Boom. Timmy has heart.

As for Cody Ross, I don't know what kind of voodoo devil pact he made with the Coyote God in the New Mexico desert back in his rodeo clown days, but I sure hope he sold enough of his soul to keep this up for another 13 games or so. You know, 6 more in this series. And then the first 7 games of spring training. That's what I meant. Don't try to argue with me about my meaning. I meant THAT.

So, just to recap, the Giants have played 5 playoff games so far. Every game has been a 1-run game. EVERY game.

C'mon Jonathan Sanchez. You can fix that tomorrow. Give up 15 runs in the 1st. We need a day off. The series is going 7 anyway, so what does it matter?

Today's Poll Question:
Did Brian Wilson totally nail that answer?
A) Yes. He was asked what his role on the team was, and he answered "mental assassin." That is accurate. As such, he did, in fact, nail that answer.
B) Pretty much. He could have thrown in "heart attack in a box" too.
C) Whenever Brian talks, I just smile and nod.
D) Who is he mentally assassinating? Me, Giants fan?

In-Game Text of the Night
From a Phillies fan:
"I'm hiding under my couch....(4 innings later)...Wow, we really need to vacuum down here."

An NLCS Prediction

1 Day Until NLCS

Thank God we're playing the Phillies. I hear this a lot, actually. See, if we were playing a team worse than us, all sorts of horror would ensue. We would spend the series trying to figure out how we're going to blow it (ok, so Pablo will pinch hit and hit a homerun, but he'll miss 2nd AND 3rd base, and pass Bengie Molina who will come back to us in a trade because Buster Posey will have flown to Chile to rescue the miners, and then they'll bring in Romo and....). We would be nervous.

But the Phillies? I hear Giants fans saying unbearably dumb things like "I don't feel nervous because this is just bonus. We're not supposed to win so it's no big deal if we lose."

Yes. You say that now.

But then we'll take a 2-1 lead in game 1 going to the bottom of the 8th.

Or we'll take a 2-1 series lead.

And then if we blow it, you're not going to be heartbroken? Please.

No, I'm not happy we're playing the Phillies. I would rather play anybody else. But I'm trying to think positive. So, in that vein, this email is dedicated to reasons why I'm glad we're not playing the other 14 teams in the National League. Yay! We're playing the Phillies and not these other chumps! I'm so excited!

Yay!

Ok, here we go.

Atlanta Braves:

We just played them. Did you enjoy that series? Was that fun? You want to do it again, but make it longer? Do you enjoy having Eric Hinske jump on your spleen? You want 3 more games of the Tomahawk Chop? Oh, you don't think it's that annoying? Ok. ooooooooo, oh, oh, oh. ooooooooo, oh, oh. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, oh, oh, oh. Ok, I think I made my point.

Florida Marlins:

We played them in the playoffs twice and both times ended pretty much horribly. In those two series', we played 7 games and lost 4 1-run games. The games in Florida would be attended by two elderly Miamians, Mervyn and Ethyl, and Mervyn would spend the entire time calling Cody Ross a "schmuck." Hanley Ramirez would hit 26 homeruns. They'd bring back Pudge. Oy.

New York Mets:

This would be way worse. This year, we lost back to back games to the Mets on walk-off homeruns by DIFFERENT catchers. Mets fans are generally obnoxious and the media would spend the entire time preparing for the Subway Series to follow. When we lost, and believe me, we would lose, you would want to poke your eyes out. And then they'd lose to the Yankees in like 4 and a half games.

Washington Nationals:

Without Strasberg, I admit they are pretty bad. But what if we LOST???

St. Louis Cardinals:

No thanks. I don't really want to play the Cardinals. Pujols...Carpenter, Wainwright, Garcia. 60,000 angry white people wearing red. Joe Buck would spend the entire time talking about how great the tradition is in St. Louis. What great tradition they have! Oh look, Albert Pujols scratched his nose! He did it with such reverence for the grand tradition of baseball!

Cincinnati Reds:

Hmmmm. This would actually be a good matchup for us. They can't pitch worth a crap. Damn, I wish they'd beaten the Phillies. Oh sorry, i'm supposed to think good thoughts. Chapman vs. Rowand. Chapman vs. Rowand. It'd be the baseball version of Baron Davis posterizing Kirilinko.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w_1ZEk4mds

Milwaukee Brewers:

Somehow this would end with Craig Counsell going 13-18 in the series with 15 runs scored. He's so scrappy! Their lack of pitching would only make our lack of hitting more painful.

Houston Astros:

George Bush Sr. Sitting behind home plate. With Barbara. Taunting us.

Chicago Cubs:

The worst. We'd actually be the team with the more recent world series victory which is crazy because we've never won a world series. Marmol would become dead to me.

Arizona Diamondbacks:

At some point, they'd strike out 22 times in a game and still win. Their fans will spend the first 6 innings chilling in the pool behind the right-field wall, not even watching the game, and then suddenly Kelly Johnson's HR ball will splash down and they'll all get excited and jump up and down for the television and you will hate life.

Colorado Rockies:

I'm getting a headache.

San Diego Padres:

I'm going to end this email right now. Who did I forget? Oh right.

Los Angeles Dodgers:

At some point, Tim McCarver would say "well, Matt Kemp may not have hit Rhianna, but he sure hit that Madison Bumgarner fastball!" and....ugh.

Hmmmm. Did I leave anyone out? Oh yeah!

Pittsburgh Pirates??:

What if we lost???????????????

My PREDICTION FOR THE NLCS:

Ahem.

Coming up.

here it is:

TORTURE

Today's Poll Question:

What if we lost??? To the Pirates???

A) How did the Pirates get there in the first place?

B) That Parrot would go INSANE

C) Good for them! They haven't won a world series since 1979, whereas we won one...uhhh....never mind. Screw them and their stupid parrot.

D) It'd be like losing to the Phillies, minus the whole "dignity" thing.

Giants vs. Phillies, A Retrospective. Or, why numbers lie

3 Days Until NLCS

Andy: Hey Jamie, want to hear a stat?

Jamie: What kind of stat?

Andy: A good stat, about the Giants and Phillies.

Jamie: No.

Andy: You sure?

Jamie: How good a stat is it?

Andy: Really good.

Jamie: Don't want to hear it.

I've infected my family with my weirdness.

The stat is meaningless, of course, as any stat that suggests the Giants might beat the Phillies is. There's really only one formula for a Giants series victory.

Game 1: Timmy allows 1 hit, Halladay allows 2 hits (both by Posey). After 47 innings, they call the game and the team with the most hits wins.

Game 2: Phillies win 3-0. Giants have chances to score runs for Matt Cain, but...nahhh. It's funnier to see how sad he gets when nobody scores any runs for him.

Game 3: Sanchez strikes out 24, Giants score a run off Cole Hamels when Jason Werth misplays a flyball in right field due to incoming seagull poop. Giants win 1-0

Game 4: Giants win due to having a superior 4th starter. Joe Blanton sucks. Bumgarner gives up 2 runs. Giants win 4-2.

Game 5: Timmy allows a solo homerun to Carlos Ruiz. Halladay throws perect game. Philies win 1-0

Game 6: Cain allows 7 unearned runs. Giants implode. Phillies win 7-0

Game 7: Sanchez strikes out 40. Cole Hamels allows Pat Burrell to hit a double, and then accidentally throws Juan Uribe a fastball. Giants win 2-0.

Any deviation from this plan will result in the Giants being swept.

But the stat IS really good. Insanely good. Only an insane person would hear this stat and not think: wow....the Giants could win this thing.

But if you don't think boxscores like this haven't made me insane, then you're not really reading these emails very closely.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/boxscore;_ylt=AqSZ5feU0Luj0h7x.WcqRSS4u7YF?gid=300513126

oooo, ooo, or my favorite:

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/boxscore;_ylt=AqZhawrL7ia9WJynq7kAuni4u7YF?gid=300914126

Let's look back at the Giants vs. Phillies in 2010...

The first matchup was Jonathan Sanchez vs. Roy Halladay. We dropped 5 runs on Halladay and won 5-1. Ho hum. Eli Whiteside hit a homerun. Of course he did. I think that was homerun #1 for him. Later, he hit 0 more.

In game 2, Todd Wellemeyer defeated Jamie Moyer, which is hilarious, and not just because I just said the words "Todd Wellemeyer defeated..." Wait, actually that is the only reason it's hilarious.

In game 3, Timmy absolutely shut down the Phillies and led 4-1 with 2 outs and 1 on in the 9th. What happened after that was horrific, and the final score was Phillies 7, Giants 6, in 11 innings. Shoot me now.

In August, Roy Oswalt beat Barry Zito 9-3. Matt Cain got lit up by the Phillies, who started Joe Blanton just to give us a chance. But then Sanchez beat Hamels 5-2, and the "two" was the bullpen's fault.

I'm still not going to say the stat. You can't make me.

Lincecum, Cain and Sanchez together were 2-1 with a 1.98 ERA in four starts against the Phillies in 2010, and Halladay, Oswalt and Hamels were 1-5, 6.17 in seven starts against the Giants.

Ah! Who did that? Get out of my computer!

Besides, I don't believe that stat. Nobody has a 6.17 era against the Giants. The Padres had a 6.17 era against the Giants, but only if you shifted the decimal point five places to the left. See? That's TWO Padre references in this email, and they haven't even played baseball in like 10 days. I'm still not over them. When I go to sleep at night, I have nightmares about Clayton Richard throwing cutters to Pablo Sandoval. It's not normal or healthy or normal.

Ok, but how cool is this?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/cityinsider/detail?entry_id=74418

The scattered nature of this email is because my brain is scattered. I'm still not over the Padres, but apparently we're in the NLCS? Really? C'mon. No we're not. This is all a big joke. We're going to wake up tomorrow and find out it's the Cardinals in NLCS, or the Mets. Or the Rockies. Or they've cancelled the NLCS and just advanced the Phillies to face the Yankees so Fox can drool on itself.

Today's Poll Question:

Which aspect of the Phillies' pitching worries you the most?

A) The "pitching" part. We don't do well against "pitching."

B) The stupid nickname ("H2O" for Hamels, Halladay, Oswalt). Teams with stupid nicknames always beat us, dating back to the 2010 Padres who were nicknamed "LOL" for Latos, Orwell, LeBlanc. Wow, that was a bad joke.

C) Roy Halladay. The odds of throwing two no hitters in a row in the playoffs is slim, I know. But...ITS THE GIANTS

D) The bullpen? Sorry, I don't really watch baseball. Do the Phillies have a good bullpen? What? And his name is Brad? That's hilarious. Never mind. Is Moyer still around?

NLDS Headlines

NLDS COMPLETE
Giants 3, Braves 1

Today's headlines from the NLDS

"Giants torture fans for five days, pour champagne on each other, fly home on chartered jet."

Jerks.

"Giants barely survive series against injury-plagued flawed wild card team, win mostly thanks to errors, prepare to face best baseball team of last 15 years."

Um.

"HOLY CRAP WE WON!"

YAY!

But the most fitting has to be:
"Giants blow NLDS to Braves, losing heartbreakers in games 2 and 3, demoralized and offensively impotent in Game 4...wait, what? We won?"

Because this series was very much like previous Giants adventures in heartbreak. A game 1 win to get our hopes up. An unbearable game 2 loss that we HAD. And then a terrified shaky performance in game 3 that comes crashing down when Eric Hinske (according to Jamie, he looks like the guy from King of Queens) hits his soul-crushing 2-run homer to take the lead in the 8th. In the top of the 9th, our leadoff hitter popped out. Travis Ishikawa pinch-hit and the count went to 2-2. Then 3-2. And then...he walked. Ok. But then a strikeout to Torres. And when Freddy Sanchez swung and missed at the first two pitches, the ending was all too familiar, and all too certain. But then....it didn't happen. Sanchez singled. Huff singled. Posey hit the ball to Brooks Conrad on purpose because Posey is perfect and all things he does are perfect. The ball went through Conrad's legs, and Sanchez scored the winning run. And Wilson didn't blow it. What universe is this?

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcROddpJabPIEepUNzsmPezZ7N_dmJMpcqHVZal_PRgm6neGeTk&t=1&usg=__WdZxjjdtnwkWvZsIY9_gWyuaVJ4=
vs.
http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTttLvqQ3SBJQ6KP2mrx6DqssTSXYmHbmSmaF6dhsIP6vHwEz0&t=1&usg=__9g1F3FTadkNw2iYalUio4kEbUNQ=

Crazy. Maybe they are the same person? Maybe the King of Queens dude hit a homerun off Sergio Romo? Maybe I could hit a homerun off Sergio Romo? Maybe my great-great grandmother from the old country could hit a homerun off of freakin' Sergio Romo??

Moving on.

Last week I meant to have an email about my selections for the NLDS roster. I never got a chance, but here's what I was going to write:

"No matter what the Giants do about Zito, the most important thing is that they put Cody Ross on the team. If they do, I have no doubt that Cody Ross will hit a game-winning single in Game 1, an RBI popout-error thingy in Game 3, a game-tying HR in Game 4, and then the series-winning hit, which will probably end up between short and third and cause Derek Lowe to utter numerous obscenities."
Dated: October 7

Some NLDS notes:

Total Earned Runs allowed by starters: 3
Total Earned Runs allowed by Romo: 3

-How hilarious is Brian Wilson? Here's a quote from yesterday. "First of all, I was hoping it wouldn't be a one-run game, but of course it's a one-run game, because it's always a one-run game. So then I'm just trying not to make it interesting, but of course it gets interesting because it always gets interesting. But then you make your pitch, and after that, you do what you want....that's baseball, and that's what we play."

(He then turned to Buster Posey, who was next to be interviewed, and said: "Hey, buddy. Nice job.")

-The only time either team had a lead of more than 1 run at any point in the series was when the Giants led 4-0 in game 2. Of course, they then lost.

-How sorry do you feel for the Phillies, who have no idea what they're in for? At some point, Roy Halladay is going to have a 4-pitch inning. Pat Burrell will fly out to left, Juan Uribe will try to pull an outside curveball and ground out to short, and then Cody Ross will take 1 pitch and then pop out to second. The Philly fans will go crazy. And then Timmy will strike out Utley, Howard, and Werth on 9 straight changeups in the dirt, and Philly fans will be like "wait, what? Are they good or not? We can't figure it out! Should we be worried? Why is their closer dying his beard? If they never score any runs, how did they get to the NLCS? Jeet yet?"

Sorry, Philly. Can't help you. But yes, you should be worried. Because we are magic inside. You are not. You are just a baseball juggernaut. You have great starting pitching, we have great starting pitching. You have a great offense, we have great starting pitching. It's going to interesting. Or we'll get swept. Whatever. Bring it.

Today's Poll Question
Did you think we were going to, you know, completely blow that series?
A) No. Because I didn't watch.
B) Only in 3 of the 4 games.
C) Only when the Giants were hitting. I kept waiting for them to score negative runs.
D) Is it over? I'm still under my couch.

We Interrupt this playoff series to bring you hindsight

Game 2 of NLDS

Giants Lead 1-0

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the 2006 Major League Baseball Amateur Draft.

1. Kansas City Royals: Luke Hochevar, RHP

Luke had a 6.54 ERA in 2009

2. Colorado Rockies: Greg Reynolds, RHP

Through 2008, his career ERA was over 8.00

3. Tampa Bay Rays: Evan Longoria, 3B

Great choice! Solid player. All-star.

4. Pittsburgh Pirates: Brad Lincoln, RHP

Career era of 6.57

5. Seattle Mariners: Brandon Morrow, RHP

He threw a 1-hitter this year, but his career ERA is 4.09

6. Detroit Tigers: Andrew Miller, LHP

Career ERA of 5.5

7. Los Angeles Dodgers: Clayton Kershaw, LHP

A solid choice. Career ERA of 3.17

8. Cincinnati Reds: Drew Stubbs, OF

Had a good year this year, but career average of .258

9. Baltimore Orioles: Bill Rowell, 3B

Never made the majors

10. San Francisco Giants: THIS GUY:

http://www.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=12772617

14 strikeouts.

2 hits

1 walk

In one inning, he got 9 swings and misses. NINE.

Bill Rowell? BILL ROWELL? How much would it suck to be an Orioles fan???

Giants vs. Braves: Playoff Preview

Tuesday, October 5. 2 Days Until Game 1

Ahhhh, the Braves. When I think Braves, I think;

1. Tomahawk Chop

2. 1993 (HORROR)

3. 2002 NLDS (glorious)

4. Bobby Cox yelling at umpires

5. John Rocker!

Let's take a minute to remember John Rocker:

“Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark, looking like you’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing.”

Nice.

I'll be honest...I dont' like the Braves. Now, the old school Braves, that's different. My dad grew up a Boston Braves fan, but then they moved during Reconstruction. My grandpa rooted for them no matter what city they played in. Hank Aaron, Warren Spahn...they were awesome.

But the Braves of Mark Lemke and Jeff Blauser, Javy Lopez, Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, Fred McGriff, Terry Pendleton....see? I remember every player from a team 15 years ago that I didn't even root for. That tells you how annoying they were. They won the division every year for 14 straight years, and they were on tv all the time thanks to TBS and I had to stare at this dude all the time.

You can't really tell, but it's actually very mullett-ish.

But it doesn't matter if I like the Braves or not because we are playing them in the playoffs. We could be playing a team full of adorable orphaned puppies and kittens and I'd be fired up about whipping some ass.

Giants vs. Braves 2010: Head to Head

It started with our home opener, when Edgar Renteria homered in the 9th inning to tie the game and Aaron Rowand hit a walk-off infield single. Ahhh, those were the days. When Renteria and Rowand did crazy things like make contact with a baseball with their bat.

My favorite game was two days later when:

a) I caught my first ever foul ball. Well, maybe not caught. I picked it up off the ground.

b) Timmy gave up a 2-run homer in the 1st and then was just silly good the rest of the game

c) Panda crushed a game-clinching splash-hit

View Highlights here!

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=7400399

Wow is Timmy good. I mean....Sheesh.

Things were not so good in August when we went to Atlanta and lost 3 out of 4, the only win coming when we rallied from 1-run down in the 9th in an inning that included two errors, a walk, and a sac-fly. (Insert David Eckstein joke here).

So, to recap, we won 3 games, lost 4, and two of our wins involved 9th inning comebacks.

Hmmmm.

But the "good' news is that the Braves are playing without Chipper Jones who broke a hip while square dancing, and Martin Prado, who broke a hip while playing baseball. The other good news is that Braves ace Tim Hudson won't pitch Game 1 as he had to pitch the last day of the season because the Braves are suckers who needed to win their last game just to make the playoffs. Ha.

Honestly, we're better than they are. This is backed up by a series of computers who ESPN pays to do computery things. According to Collin, the computer told ESPN that there's a 58% chance we'll win the series, news he then relayed to me and which I am relaying to you. So pass it on.

But of course, the real question is:

What Kind of Torture Can We Expect From This Series?

Lots of torture!

The general torture of playoff baseball and the acute torture of Giants baseball will combine with a number of specific types of minor torture to create a torture level so high that Dick Cheney will be taking notes.

*The "oh god, Timmy doesnt' have his stuff" torture. Imagine Game 1. Crowd juiced. Leadoff walk. Next batter is Jason Heyward and count goes to 3-1. Are you even still watching at that point? No. No you aren't.

*The "oh no it's the 6th inning, we haven't scored yet, and the Braves are going to bring in their crazy good bullpen people any minute now." torture. Not as bad as if you're playing the Reds and waiting for Aroldis Chapman to show up, but still bad. The Braves have a pitcher named Jonny Venters who throws 99. Of course his name is Jonny. All Braves pitchers have folksy names except for Derek Lowe who is the opposite of folksy. The other starters are named Tommy and Timmy, and the closer is Billy. They also have a set-up man named Petey. They have another starter named Jair with a little accent thing. Ok, fine. There's an exception to prove every rule.

*The "whos' going to pitch game 4 please not zito oh god its zito" torture.

Tomorrow we will discuss who should and who should not be on the Giants' 25 man roster.

An excerpt:

"While many are discussing the decision facing the Giants regarding Barry Zito, the more interesting development is whether the Giants will include Albert Pujols, Miguel Cabrera, or a cryogenically unfrozen Ted Williams to the roster. Bochy COULD add all 3, but then he'd have to leave off Nate Schierholtz, who plays such good late-inning defense."

Today's Poll Question

How do you feel about facing the Braves in the playoffs?

A) Good. They are not the Phillies.

B) Bad. They are a baseball team with 25 living baseball players on them. And we have to face them.

C) We're in the playoffs. I can't get over that.

D) 2002 was not sufficient revenge for what they did to us in 1993. It's payback time. (makes angry face)

International Giants Day

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS: 2010 NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST CHAMPS!!!!

So much to say!

The immature part of me wants to focus on how we beat Mat Latos. Hey, you know that guy who hit a triple off you, Latos-ter? You know, our pitcher? Lifelong Giant.

But now is not the time to be petty. Today is International Giants Day, where we spend one day thinking non-tortured thoughts about how happy we are about our NL West champion Giants. They were 6.5 games back entering September. They finished 2 games in front. And we knew they had it the wholllllllllllllle time. Ahem.

Non-Tortured Thoughts

Great crowds all weekend. The Padres main blogger admittted it was the loudest crowd he'd experienced since the 98 Padres when they would play Enter the Sandman or Hells Bells or some other song heavily associated with death and Trevor Hoffman would run (slowly) out of the bullpen and blow hitters away with his 86mph fastball and his 47 mph changeup.

Favorite moment as somebody who was there for the clinch was when a Giants player bartered with a fan in the 9th inning, exchanging a baseball for the fan's "rally towel."

Can I say Marmol one more time? Please? Ok, I'll just whisper it. Marmol

Got two great texts this weekend. One said: "Marmol!" which made me laugh and made me feel good about the possibility that my idiotic ramblings are catching on out there. Second was far less mature, but still funny: "F#@# San Diego. All they do is listen to Stone Temple Pilots and talk about who has the biggest yacht." Which made me wonder: Do they do that simultaneously??

plus equals ?????

I gotta give some respect to the Padres, which, I admit, I'm only doing beause we beat them. They were a true underdog team, their best player was a hometown hero, they were suposed to finish last and they were in first all year, and holy crap did they beat the living hell out of us all season. Well, again, not really "beat the living hell out of us". More like tickle us and then poke us in the eye and then run away giggling. Ok, sorry, this was supposed to be "respect the padres" hour. Ummmm...many salutations to Mike Adams and the proud planet of Zorgordon? I am so bad at this.

Aubrey Huff has played more games without making the playoffs than every other active big leaguer except for Randy Winn (who is a good guy but, well, let's just say some of the teams he was on WOULD have made the playoffs except he was on them) and Michael Young who just made it for the first time too. How cool must he feel right now? And Buster Posey! He had never made the playoffs either, except for last year when he went to the little league world series! That joke never gets old.

Our bullpen is solid and the clincher was a great example. First we brought in Santiago Casilla who throws 98mph and then every 14th pitch will throw something other than a fastball just because the pitching coach tells him he has to.

Then in came Ramon Ramirez who has an ERA of .68, and who the Red Sox traded to us mid-season because apparently you get a prize if you finish 3rd in the AL East. Then in came Javier Lopez to face Adrian Gonzalez. Javy has given up 2 hits all season to lefties, and is still preparing, even now, to strike out Jason Giambi in the playoffs. YOu know. Just in case.

In the 8th, we brought in Sergio Romo, who I admit I would hate if he wasn't a Giant. He throws those goofy frisbee pitches that start out 8 inches off the plate and then half the time come back around and the other half end up in the dugout. After striking out Yorvit Torreabla to end the inning, Romo yelled at Yorvit (possibly he yelled "You have a funnier name than myself!"). That might have seemed mean, but Giants fans know that Yorvit has been yelling at us all season. Every time Mike Adams struck out Aaron Rowand, there was Yorvit, pumping his fist, and screaming like a crazy man. Every time David Eckstein scored on a catcher's interference call, Yorvit was chest bumping him, screaming like a crazy man. If you can't take it, don't dish it out.

And then the 9th. Does this picture say it all?

Giants Baseball: It's inside the magic box, Daddy!

Tomorrow we will discuss the playoffs.

Today, it's International Giants Day, and I'm loving it.

There were many times when things looked bleak. There were times when it looked certain that Andres Torres woudl spend the offseason beating himself in the chest as punishment for being a "bad Andres" and Aubrey Huff would go fishing and Buster Posey would volunteer at youth group and Pablo Sandoval would eat himself into a stupor. Yes, there were those times.

But then we won.

Craziness.

Today's Poll Question

What did you do when we clinched?

A) Wait, what? We won? Are you serious? You're not kidding? Now what am I going to do with my plane ticket to San Diego for tonight's one-game playoff?

B) I struck out Will Venable, did my hand thingy to honor my dad and then Buster Posey was jumping on my head.

C) I was watching on,....wait, are you Brian Wilson?

D) Cried. Cried like a baby. And I'm proud of it.

1 Day to Go: Something to make you smile

1 Day to Go
1 game up in division (i guess), 1 game up in wild card (if that even matters)

Giants fans. Really? Did you not see this coming?
How silly are you?
Of course Matt Cain gave up more runs in 1 inning than he'd given up in the last 5 decades.
Of course we rallied in 7 consecutive innings and stranded everybody, including members of the 2002 Giants who had shown up at the game to remind us that the Fat Lady has laryngitis.
Of course the Padres positioned their right fielder to stand on the wall in the corner in case Aubrey Huff happened to, you know, hit it right there in the 9th inning.
Of course Zito sucked.
Of course Jose Guillen hit into a double play.

What, you thought they'd be popping champagne?

Now, we have 3 scenarios for tomorrow's game which I can't avoid because I have tickets to actually go see it in person.
Keep in mind that my record is so bad, I even saw the Giants lose to the Orioles this year. And the Red Sox! The Red Sox!

1. Giants win. Hardy har har.
2. Giants lose, Braves win. 3-way tie. We play one-game playoff in San Diego. Win, and we win. Lose, and we play one-game playoff in Atlanta the next day. Win, and we play the Phillies in Philly the next day. Lose and we're out. Hmmmm. Might want to lose that one, actually.
3. Giants lose, Braves lose. This would be the weirdest. We'd clinch a playoff spot, but lose the division by getting swept at home. Technically, the Giants would go to their clubhouse and pop champagne. But it'd be weird. Yay! We got swept at home by a team who's leadoff hitter is Chris Denorfia! Yay! We play the Phillies who just swept a really good team on the road despite the fact that Ryan Howard batted right-handed and Charlie Manuel pinchran for Chase Utley in the 1st inning! woooooooo!

But let's not be so gloomy.
Here is a season's worth of humor from a Giants blogger far superior to myself. Enjoy.
And hey, maybe something good will happen tomorrow.
And hey, we can't be eliminated without somebody beating Tim Lincecum. That's worth something.
And hey....I get to boo Latos tomorrow.
And hey. Garlic fries.


http://www.mccoveychronicles.com/2010/10/1/1720148/6th-annual-grant-appreciation-day

Today's Poll Question:
WHY?
A) Because.
B) Not sure. Pass. Could it be...education?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BAx6Ib81Y4
(see 3:17 mark)
C) No Marmol.
D) We are cursed. Like the Cubs, but without the whole goat thing.

3 Days Left: Please. Please. Just One More Win

3 Days Left

3 games up in division, 1 game up in wild card

Other names for today's email:

"The Carlos Marmol Hour"

"Why Madison Bumgarner is hilarious"

Yesterday, the Giants clinched a tie for the division. Worst case scenario, they get swept by the Padres, the Braves pass them, and they play a one-game playoff Monday in San Diego for all the marbles, Tim Lincecum vs. Chris Young.

Oh, is that all? That's the "worse-case" scenario? Three straight days of excruciating losing, champagne sitting on ice in the clubhouse, taunting us, and then a horrifying torture-filled one-game playoff on the road against a fired-up Padres team coming off an amazing season-saving sweep? Oh, if that's the worst thing that can happen, then thank goodness. I thought something bad might still be possible.

But as Carlos Marmol finished off the 2-3-4 hitters in the Padre lineup in the 9th inning last night (he "Marmolized" them), I certainly had to admit that it is a lot better to be the Giants right now than to be the Padres. Yesterday, Madison Bumgarner was awesome. Much more awesome than when he was in AAA and he used to throw intentionally at hitters if they tried to bunt for a hit against them. "I had to tell him, 'how else are they supposed to get on base against you?'" his AAA manager said. "Don't take it so personal."

FULL CONFESSION: If that same story was about Mat Latos, I'd have spent 5 paragraphs ripping Latos. Fair enough.

Same with the story in today's Chronicle that Madison Bumgarner, upon being invited to stay at Jeremy Affeldt's house for a weekend, spent time lassoing furniture, and then asked Affeldt "to walk funny" so he could lasso his feet.

Wow.

I, uh.

Wow.

So it comes down to this. 3 games, and we need 1 win. If we don't get it, we get one more chance with Lincecum pitching Monday.

Tonight is Matt Cain. It's even Matt Cain's birthday. (He should be turning 26, but due to lack of run support, he's only turning 9). It's Orange Friday. The crowd is going to be insane.

But what if we lose?

Saturday afternoon, Zito pitches.

And if we lose that one...

Sunday it's Sanchez vs. Mat Latos.

Oy vay.

Meanwhile, the Rockies are now 8 games out with 3 to go, making them just 4-1 favorites to win the World Series.

Please, Giants.

Just one more win.

Just one.

And then three more.

And then four more.

And then four more.

No, stop. Bad Andy.

Just one more.

You're so close.

You're so awesome

(like this guy:)

You're so magic. Inside.

Time to bring it home.

Today's Poll Question

What are you doing tonight? Want to watch the game and tell me how it goes? I'll be under my couch.

A) I'm watching the game, but I can't text you updates because I lost my phone in a bet about how awesome Carlos Marmol is. I said "awesome", my friend said "more awesome than you think" and after 3 saves against the Padres in one week, I knew I had lost.

B) I have a date, sorry....with your wife, actually. She said she'd be free to hang out because you'd be under the couch. Hope you don't mind.

C) Why are you so scared? You're 3 up with 3 to go! Stop being such a weenie! Oh, right. I forgot;

D) Dang. I will be under my couch, too. I was hoping you would text ME updates. Want to switch off innings? I got dibs on "even."