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January Mailbag

Rather than be the last person to cover the potential Jeff Suppan signing, I think I'll reach into the mailbag and see what I find. Oh wow! Actual mail from other people! And some that I made up. A hybrid, if you will. But not an actual hybrid. My mailbag is not big enough for that.

Is it true the Giants signed Jeff Suppan?
-General Public

Apparently it's close to a done deal. We need a 6th starter and Jeff Suppan needs to leave the NL Central because he's already dated all the teams in that division and they're catching on to him and his lifetime 4.69 ERA. They all talk to each other and say things like: "oh God, I dated this guy who was just so mediocre and then he left me for like the Pirates." And then there's an awkward silence when the Cardinals and Brewers realize the Pirates were standing alone over there by the punch bowl, looking forlorn and hearing every word they've said.

So why are we signing him?

As insurance in case Matt Cain decides he's tired of being second fiddle to Tim Lincecum and goes all Tonya Harding on him. Or Bumgarner really gets into a rodeo move during an off-day and fractures his mabibula. Or Zito is traded to the Yankees for Brian Cashman's elf suit. You never know what could happen.

Is he going to sit in AAA waiting for one of these things to happen?

Yes, unless he makes the big league team as a long reliever, in which case he won't get a lot of work because our starters are so good. That would likely mean Dan Runzler is sent to AAA, which would be a surprise move given that Runzler is highly regarded and is a better pitcher than Suppan. And, c'mon, when has Brian Sabean ever acquired an overpaid mediocre veteran player rather than give a young guy a chance?

Can we have a moratorium on all persons who purport to be a fan of a football team whose name rhymes with "Mets" but have never actually been to the city where they play their games from trying to steal the goodwill, underdog, band of misfits mojo that the Giants used in winning the World Series and applying it to their foot-fetish head coach, smack-talking players, and obnoxious know-it-all fans?
-Michael in SF

Yeah, I don't buy the Jets as the heir to the Giants' mojo. The Giants never talked smack about anybody unless you count that one time when Jonathan Sanchez promised a sweep of the Padres, everybody else told him to shut up, we lost 2 out of 3, and then he never talked smack again. Being a band of misfits because you defy the archaic stereotypes of your century-old sport is very different from everybody hating you because you're annoying. And I mean, the Jets did a reality show. There's NO WAY the Giants would ever do that. Right? Right?

How similar do you see the Jets' postseason run to the Giants'? A clubhouse of nutty characters with amazing chemistry who are written off every step of the way.
-Seth in Montana

Seth. You're a Giants fan. So I won't throw you under the bus by reprinting Michael's response to your email that included a valid point about Bochy's wife not making any "ginormous-head fetish" videos. Let's just say....no similarity. But best of luck to your team.

Why haven't you made a cool video like that Sully guy? Are you awkward in front of a camera like Jonathan Sanchez or something?
-Seth in Montana

Oh, c'mon! I just tried to be nice to you! Yeah, I actually am. I'm so awkward in front of a camera that when we watched the film of my wedding after it had been edited professionally, the only shots left were of the cake. Ok, that's not true. The truth is I haven't made a cool video because the video I want to make involves Brian Wilson thumb wrestling a gorilla and the gorilla won't return my calls.

What am I going to do without being able to yell "Jazz Hands!" (after an Uribe homerun) now? Can we ask Miggy to give each homer a little Dave Henderson hop and turn?
-David in SF

Sure. So that will be, what, two hops and two turns for the season?

You haven't made any nerdy Harry Potter references recently. I'm proud of you.
-Anonymous

Thanks, I'm trying hard.

What Hogwarts house do you think all the Giants' starters would be in, though? Just curious.

Oh, no, I couldn't. I really don't think I want to do that.

Of course you do.

Fine.

Gryffindor
Buster Posey
Andres Torres
Tim Lincecum
Pablo Sandoval
Jonathan Sanchez
Aubrey Huff
(Brandon Belt)

Hufflepuff
Freddy Sanchez
Cody Ross
Matt Cain

Ravenclaw
Brian Wilson
Barry Zito

Slytherin
Pat Burrell
Madison Bumgarner

Not At Hogwarts
Miguel Tejada
(he's a squib)

Inside Andres Torres' Arbitration Hearing

Note: I had this post in my head since about 2am last night when I was putting my baby to sleep. But of course by the time I sit down to write it, McCovey Chronicles has already done the same basic idea. Now I look like a big copycat. Next thing you know, I'll be calling my blog "The Posey Papers" or "The Aardsma Articles." Damn you, Grant.

When I heard the figures for Andres Torres' arbitration "battle," I was relieved. Arbitration can actually be very nasty and knowing that the two sides aren't far off and under no scenario will the Giants be overpaying for Torres instantly calmed me down. I put my tranquilizer gun away immediately...I haven't needed that thing since November 1st.

Torres is asking for $2.6m, and the Giants are offering $1.8m. As McCovey Chronicles puts it, you gotta be crazy if you're rooting against Andres. The guy needs the money more than Bill Neukom. If he loses, Barry Zito should buy him dinner every night at any restaurant he chooses and he should get a doggy bag every time he goes out so he can save the leftovers for lunch the next day.

I'm thinking the following would be a worst case scenario for how the hearing goes:

Torres: I came from humble roots and have fought every step of the way to provide for my family. Last year I did very well and I apologize for saying that because it is arrogant of me. When I was younger, I used to pull yams out of the ground to help...

Sabean: Sweet potatoes.

Torres: They were yams. My sister and I...

Sabean: They were sweet potatoes. And then they sauteed them.

Torres: That is not true. We boiled them with dirt.

Sabean: With arugula. And fennel. And fed them to their pet peacock.

Torres: Trade me to the Padres.

Other than that, I'm thinking we're ok. Andres should win, the Giants shouldn't risk pissing him off to save $800k, and we should get our leadoff hitter and center fielder back, minus an appendix which he wasn't really using anyway.

Beautiful.

We're Breaking So Much News, Our Head Hurts

If the Giants would just stop doing things, I could go back to writing fake conversations between my fake personal assistant Igor and myself. But no.

Here's the arbitration update.

Four Giants avoided arbitration:
Ross: 1 year, $6.3m
J. Sanchez: 1 year, $4.8m
Ramon Ramirez: 1 year, $1.65m
Casilla: 1 year, $1.3m
(multiple sources including Splashing Pumpkins)

Two Giants are headed for the conference room:
Andres Torres asked for $2.6m and the Giants countered with $1.8m.
Javier Lopez asked for $2.875 and the Giants countered with $2m.

Some other contract features you may not have heard, perhaps because I may have made them up:
-Ross gets a bonus of $3 for every good-natured interview he does after a loss, thus sparing the clubhouse from watching Pat Burrell trying to whip reporters with a wet towel.
-Jonathan Sanchez gets a bonus of $675 for every series he goes without publicly predicting a Giants sweep
-Ramon Ramirez gets 40% off the sale of any "Tai Kwon Do Ram" merchandise. In case, you know, it takes off.
-Santiago Casilla gets whatever he wants as long as he promises never to throw that breaking ball he threw to Polanco in Game 4 of the NLCS ever again. Ever. Pinky swear.

Igor informs me that the correct title of this post, strictly speaking, is:

"We" are "breaking" so much news, our head hurts.

Fair enough.

But that's still better than when we did that post on the Jose Reyes-to-the-Giants trade and the title would have been:

We are "breaking" so much "news," our head hurts.

Now your head hurts.
Sorry.

Breaking News: Ramon Ramirez Signed

The AP is reporting that Ramon Ramirez is back for 1-year, $1.65 million.

Despite his playoff struggles, I like RamRam. He's got nasty stuff and he had a sub-1.00 ERA during the regular season with the Giants, a much bigger sample size than one bad pitch to Rick Ankiel.

I mean, what is Rick Ankiel doing hitting anyway? He should be pitching in AAA and shooting up roids and getting ejected for trying to shove the rosin bag up the home plate umpire's nose. I still get mad thinking about Game 2 of the NLDS even though we, you know, won the World Series and all that.

I have scars, people. Scars.

BREAKING NEWS: Ross Avoids Arbitration

Ken Rosenthal is reporting that the Giants have signed Cody Ross to a $6.3 million contract, avoiding arbitration.

This isn't anywhere else on the internet that I can find, so I don't have any more details.

Is the Cody Ross of the playoffs worth $6.3m? Definitely.
Is the Cody Ross of late August who misplayed flyballs and had a low-.300's obp worth $6.3m?
No.

But this is about what we expected, money-wise. I'm banking on August being the fluke and October being Ross approaching his potential. Maybe we'll get lucky and Roy Halladay will pitch against us 49 times, which would mean Cody would hit 98 homeruns. That would be a record or something.

The best news is that we avoided an arbitration hearing. Cody would have sat there and watched that late August fly ball over and over again as Brian Sabean used a power-point presentation to explain just how completely un-freaking-believable it was that a professional baseball player could choke away a win during a pennant race with such brazen stupidity. Sabean would have sat there with a dumb grin on his face and then Ross would have said: "Roy Oswalt. Derek Lowe. Roy Halladay. Twice." And the arbitration mediator would have awarded him $57.9 million.

Good work, Sabes.

Giants Can Lead MLB Out of the Flomax Wilderness

So says Paul Sullivan, who emailed me the following video last night. Definitely worth checking out.

http://sullybaseball.com/

Also, Splashing Pumpkins linked to this very cool bar graph depicting the 2010 NL West race in real time:
http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/517973/NLwest.swf

In the same post, Splashing Pumpkins asked when our Eric Surkamp interview will be out?

Well, I'm trying to wait until our new site is up...kind of a grand opening thing.

Hopefully that will mean a couple days. If it looks like it will be longer than that, I'll just go ahead and post it.

Stay tuned for January mailbag later today.

Flomax, by the way, is a registered trademark of the Boehringer Ingelheim company, all brand names copyrighted. Igor, my personal assistant, told me to say that. "You will be suited if you are not careful," he told me. "Already you talk about Kung Fu Panda but not movie studio that made him in cartoon lab and you broke into his house! You are bad blogger. Very bad."

The Biggest Winner

That would be Pablo Sandoval.

Check out this photo from his new twitter account:

Weekly Divisional Previews: AL CENTRAL

As I posted on my twitter account, picking the winner of this division caused me several sleepless nights. I would lie awake and imagine Jim Thome crushing a fastball deep into the night but then the baseball would become black and I would hear Ozzie Guillen yelling at me, calling me a "homosexual midget," and then Ozzie's face would fade into Miguel Cabrera getting drunk and trying to rip my head off and eat my eyeballs.

It was a rough night.

AL CENTRAL PREVIEW

Teams Listed In Order of Projected Finish

1. Minnesota Twins

2010 Finish: 1st
2010 Record: 94-68
2010 Pythagorean (roughly the record they would have had with neutral luck): 93-69
2011 Projection: 95-67
Difference: 1 Spiffy Buster

x1

The Twins lost reliever Jesse Crain, and infielders JJ Hardy and Orlando Hudson. They added a non-concussed Justin Morneau, a healthy Joe Nathan, and Japanese shortstop Tsuyoshi Nishioka. That's not a bad off-season for a team that won the division easily last year. Of course, the Twins' problem isn't winning the division. There's an old joke about the Twins...

Ron Gardenhire is managing one day and the bat boy runs up and says "Mr. Gardenhire! There are a hundred armed men trying to storm the field to kill us!" Gardenhire thinks for a moment and says "bring me my red jacket." They fight the bad guys off and after it's over, the bat boy asks why he wanted the jacket. "So that if I was injured in battle and started to bleed, nobody would notice that I was hurt and have their morale go down."

The next day, the bat boy showed up and said: "Mr. Gardenhire! We're playing the Yankees in the playoffs!" To which the manager replied: "Bring me my brown pants!"

2. Chicago White Sox

2010 Finish: 2nd

2010 Record: 88-74

2010 Pythagorean: 86-76

2011 Projection: 93-69

Difference: 5 Spiffy Busters

x5

Adam Dunn is nice. He'll hit 40 homeruns. Jesse Crain is a good add, especially since they stole him from their main rival. I think the White Sox will improve but they're still a little old. Paul Konerko can order off the senior menu at Denny's and Carlos Quentin is just not as good as, say, Cody Ross. AJ Pierzynski is still a big jerk.

White Sox vs. Yankees for the wild card is a karma-off. As in, whoever has less negative karma gets the nod.

3. Detroit Tigers

2010 Finish: 3rd
2010 Record: 81-81
2010 Pythagorean: 82-80
2011 Projection: 90-72
Difference: 9 Spiffy Busters
x9

Where are all these extra losses going to come from? I know that's what's on your mind. In other words, if the Tigers and White Sox get so much better, who is going to lose more games to offset it? Easy. Tampa Bay. The Tigers added Victor Martinez and Joaquin Benoit which is helpful despite the fact that Martinez has a lifetime batting average in Detroit of .225.

This Tigers offseason had the feel of a man who has pissed off his wife and thinks that buying random glittery jewelry will make her forget. Overpaying for a reliever and an aging catcher who couldn't even put up great numbers in the middle of a great lineup in a hitters' park is not enough to win the division. That said, Cabrera is a stud, the lineup is better, Jackson will probably improve and last year seemed like a fluke.

4. Kansas City Royals

2010 Finish: 5th

2010 Record: 67-95

2010 Pythagorean: 63-98

2011 Projection: 62-100

Difference: 5 Angry Brians
x5

The Royals, you know, have a great farm system. In about three years, the Royals will be awesome. In the meantime, they're bad and getting worse. DeJesus and Greinke are gone. George Brett is gone. Even the awesomely-bad powder blue leisure suits are gone, to be replaced by uniforms that have never been worn after about October 2nd. And yet they're still not the worst team in the division. Pretty incredible.

5. Cleveland Persons of Native American Descent
2010 Finish: 4th
2010 Record: 69-93
2010 Pythagorean: 69-93
2011 Projection: 60-102
Difference: 9 Angry Brians
x9

The Indians have some promising young players, and definitely have more talent on the field than the Royals, but Sizemore will be gone in July and there isn't that feeling of hope that exists deep, deep, deep down in the guts of Kansas City fans, near the digested BBQ. This is a rudderless team that knows it has no chance of competing this year, next year, or the year after that.

Poor Cleveland. I mean, sheesh. When our new site launches, I promise you, Cleveland, we will have a section devoted to you. It will be called: "why?" and will focus on esoteric discussions of God, justice, and flaming bodies of water.

Taking Mental Notes On a Friday

Ah, Lebron. If only you played baseball, I could write about you. And you're such a profound source of....profundity.

Recently, for instance, Prince James tweeted that the Heat call themselves "The Heatles" because of the traveling road show nature of the team.

You know, like, The Beatles.

Of course people didn't turn up to boo the Beatles. Also the Beatles were the best ever at what they did. The Heat are a good team that has yet to win anything of importance.

If Lebron told this idea to a normal person, it would go like this.

LBJ: So we're gonna call ourselves the "Heatles."
Normal Person: (Blank stare) (Long pause) Sounds good!

But....

LBJ: So we're gonna call ourselves the "Heatles."
LBJ's Hangers-On: Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

Anyway, I've been taking mental notes about some things and a slow Friday is a good day to talk about them.

1. The January mailbag will be out soon, so email me comments, questions, suggestions, or idiotic nicknames for yourself at 24DaysOfMagic@gmail.com.

2. Interview with Eric Surkamp to be posted this weekend, hopefully.

3. Giants are looking set for a "Hard-Knocks" style documentary on Showtime starting in Spring Training. Is this good or bad? A distraction? Will Bruce Bochy start screaming at people like Rex Ryan? Will Ron Wotus end up running out of the dugout and tripping an opposing runner as he's rounding 3rd like that Jets assistant coach? Will the players sexually harass a Mexican reporter? Will Bochy's wife make videos on.....never mind. Just don't be the Jets, is what I'm saying. Sorry, Seth.

4. Rafael Soriano to the Yankees. This is a guy who could be a closer for lots and lots of teams but he's content to make lots of money being the set-up man for Rivera for the next two years before taking over the job. I'm not sure if that's commendable or if the Yankees should be worried they're paying that much money to somebody who lacks the competitive spirit necessary to sign with a team as a closer for less money. Related question: those Rays ticket sales must be through the roof, yeah?

5. AL Central preview to be released soon. I can't figure out who to pick to win it, though. I like the Twins, the White Sox and Tigers both got better and the Royals totally have a shot if their GM gets drunk and says "aw, screw it" and trades their millions of amazing prospects for good players at the deadline.

6. The "Heatles." Good lord.

Exciting News! (If you're me)

Exciting news!

Well, let's make this multiple choice.

Which of the following is true:

a) The Giants actually won the 2002 World Series. They just did a video replay and everything. Call on the field overturned. Give Dusty a ring!
b) Schierholtz for Ichiro. Straight up.
c) 24 Days of Magic has agreed to join the Bloguin network

This is why I said this news is exciting if you're me. I supposed all of you would like to think a) or b) is true. Sorry.

Seriously, to everyone who has read this site or supported it in any way, THANK YOU.

This move means:
a) The site will be designed professionally, and will no longer look as though somebody threw up a bunch of words onto a page, smeared them around, and threw orange paint at it.
b) I will probably start hanging out with Buster Posey and international fashion models on a semi-regular basis. I'll try to remember to post some stuff, but some of it may be written by my new personal assistant Igor who doesn't really have a knack for writing or, if we're honest, English.

(Igor wrote the following to me the other day: "dear sir i called hairy-faced thrower Wilson for talking but phone beeped. also your coffee is mostly on your pants.")

c) I will likely spend a lot of time saying "Bloguin. You know, Bloguin. Like a penguin, but like for bl....never mind."
d) The site will be far more interactive and exciting and cool.

I can't wait. It's a big step forward and I really appreciate all the support I've gotten as I've moved from "emails to friends" to "emails to friends and other people" to "blog that is mostly looked at by friends who I emailed" to now, the newest chapter: "blog that has picture of penguin at the top of the screen."

On a related note, how much cooler would Lou Seal be if he was Poppy Penguin instead? He could do that penguin-sliding-on-their-stomach-on-the-ice thing across the top of the dugout.

Just saying.

Sports Punditry Reaches New Levels Of Amazingness

This story has already been covered by Frisco Fastball and McCovey Chronicles (all blogs are required to have alliteration in the title, which is why my blog is running from the Feds). But I felt the need to chime in.

Rob Neyer, who gets paid actual money by ESPN to write about baseball, had this to say:

"There's going to be a great deal of change in the National League West."

Really? Did Kevin Towers finally put a diving board on the pool in Bank One Ballpark?

The Giants might surprise a lot of people by dropping from world champions to third place, and perhaps even a not particularly competitive third place. In 2010, almost everything that could have gone well for them did go well, with a number of Giants enjoying surprisingly good seasons. If there's reason for optimism, it's tied almost solely to the assumption that Buster Posey and Madison Bumgarner will continue to thrive in their first full seasons. Will that be enough to balance the presumed regressions of Aubrey Huff, Andres Torres and Jonathan Sanchez, along with the departure of Juan Uribe (who's been replaced by Miguel Tejada)?

We'll know in eight or nine months.

I don't mind if somebody doesn't think the Giants are going to have a good year; that's a legitimate opinion. But what is frustrating about Neyer and ESPN in general is their insistence that the Giants were a team of lucky breaks and a crazy confluence of fortunate events.

Giants: I raise this much. Is that a lot? Maybe I'll just put all my chips in. (giggles)
Yankees/Phillies/Whoever: But I have an Ace high flush, you can't possibly have me beat. I call.
Giants: Aw shucks, all I have is these here cards. Are they any good? Ooooh! That card you just put down in the middle is the same number as my card! Ooooh! Again! Do I win? Do I win?

The fact is that the Giants dealt with a pretty average amount of adversity during the regular season, including a horrible month of pitching from their ace, two months of Todd Wellemeyer, a ruptured appendix in September, injuries to their 2nd baseman and shortstop, and a horrible season from the player they had assumed would be their best hitter. According to the Bill James calculation, they still should have won 96 games. They won 92 instead, meaning they were unlucky during the regular season. They still won the division outright and had the 2nd best record in the National League.

Did Huff outperform expectations? Sure. Torres? Yes. Name a single team that didn't have two players outperform expectations. This is the basis of your prediction, Rob? That two of our players might not have as good a year this year as they had last year? And that outweighs a full season of Bumgarner and Posey and Ross, a possibly resurgent Sandoval, the addition of Belt, the likelihood that Timmy won't forget how to pitch for six weeks, the Jamesean calculation that the Baseball Gods owe us a few games in the standings?

Think about this sentence:
"If there's reason for optimism, it's tied almost solely to the assumption that Buster Posey and Madison Bumgarner will continue to thrive in their first full seasons. "
Think about that again.
Think hard.
What is wrong with that sentence...............

How about this:
If there's a reason for optimism, it's tied almost solely to the fact that WE ARE DEFENDING WORLD CHAMPIONS. That makes me optimistic. That makes me think, hey, we might have a decent team this year. We might have a chance to compete with the 4th place Dodgers or 3rd place Rockies.
If the entire core of a 95-loss team comes back, that's not a reason for optimism.
When the entire core of a World Championship team comes back, that's a different story.

Imagine if the Yankees won the world series and Boston's best player was traded during the off-season and Tampa and Toronto basically stood pat. Would you expect ESPN to make a prediction of a "not particularly competitive third place" finish for the Yankees? Of course.

Will the Dodgers be able to make up the 12 game gap between themselves and the Giants by fielding the same team they had last year minus Manny Ramirez?
Will the Rockies be able to jump from 3rd to a dominating 1st place finish by fielding the same team they had last year plus Ty Wigginton?

Well, let me make a profound prediction:
"We'll know in 8 or 9 months."

So I'll tell you then. Except I'll be asleep in Connecticut while the games in California are actually being played. So I may not watch. So I'll read about it online. Probably on ESPNLosAngeles.com. And then I'll retweet it. I promise.

A Day At Camp Panda

First: Anyone know a good divorce lawyer?
I was at work when this happened. Not cool.



Speaking of pudgy, The Round Mound of Pound has apparently lost 17 pounds and is now down to a slim 228 (see Pablo Pound-o-Meter at right).

24 Days of Magic Nutrition Correspondent Ian Stumpf travelled to Arizona last week to get a copy of Pablo's daily routine. Pablo wasn't home, so he snuck in and stole a copy. Pablo, if you're reading this, move the key to the backdoor out from under the garden gnome and hide it somewhere else.

7am: Sleep
8am: Sleep
9am: Asks cook hired by Giants to please, please, not make another celery smoothie.
9:01am: No, seriously, you do not understand. I am going to die.
9:02am: How much are they paying you? I can pay you more.
9:03am: I am going to quit. You tell that a-hole Sabean that I don't want to play anymore.
9:04am: Please put the phone down, I was kidding.
9:06am: Drinks celery smoothie.
9:46am: Finishes celery smoothie.
9:47am to 10:56am: World of Warcraft
11am: Batting Practice.
11:08am: You can stop throwing me curveballs in the dirt. I'm not going to swing at them. Again.
Noon: Lunch! Excuse me, Mr. Chef, but I do not believe that the "B" in "BLT" stands for "bread."
1pm - 2pm: Answers fan mail. Practices different Panda-related signature. Settles on having the "O" in "Sandoval" be a Panda face.
2:01pm: Realizes he can't draw a panda face.
2:02pm: Asks chef if he knows how to draw.
2:03pm - 6pm: What do you mean each lap is only part of a mile?? This is making me want to throw you across the track but I will not be doing that because that would be exercise and that's what you want, you devil. Why do you think I do not run away when you come at me with the carrot-flavored milkshake? Hey, what is that? Stop. I will run away this time. But that is what you want! Alas, I am between a hard rock and a place.
6:10pm: Dinner! Making the broccoli in the shape of a panda does not make me happy. I thought you couldn't draw.
6:30pm - Midnight: Googles "Panda 2009 Awesome" while eating from hidden stash of Twinkies. Rues profound contradiction that is life.

Our Former Brothers and Sisters in Suffering

The San Francisco Giants used to be a pretty sorry lot. For instance, 1958. 1959. 1960. 1961. 1962. 1963. (THE FOLLOWING 36 SENTENCES HAVE BEEN REDACTED DUE TO VIOLATION OF BLOGGER.COM'S TERMS AND CONDITIONS REGARDING TIRING REDUNDANCY.) 2000. 2001. 2002. 2003. 2004. 2005. 2006. 2007. 2008. 2009. And most of 2010.

No championships. A huge number of painful close calls, none worse than 2002, but let me tell you, unless you like watching a bunch of grown men wearing teal dance around in a circle while 468 people shake their arthritis medicine in appreciation, 2003 was no picnic either.

But now we're amazing. Defending champs. And as the Saints proved yesterday in losing to the football equivalent of the 2010 Houston Astros, that's not going to last forever, so we might as well savor it while we can.

But let's not be those people who rise from their humble origins and forget the schmucks they grew up with. Let's be Andres Torres, who grew up picking yams out of the ground and now uses his fame to help children with ADHD. Hmmm. That doesn't fit, actually. It's not like the impoverished citizens of Puerto Rico sat around and said "man, if we could just get rid of ADHD..."

Anyway, my point (Yes! I DO have a point!) is that we should remember our roots:

THE WHY OH WHY DO THE BASEBALL GODS HATE US CLUB?

1. Chicago Cubs: I think it has something to do with a goat, yes? Let me see here. Aha.

The Billy Goat curse was supposedly placed on the Cubs in 1945 when Billy Goat Tavern owner Billy Sianis was asked to leave a World Series game against the Detroit Tigers at the Cubs' home ground of Wrigley Field because his pet goat's odor was bothering other fans.^[1] He was outraged and declared, "Them Cubs, they aren't gonna win no more..." -Wikipedia

So, to recap. A man brought his pet goat to a baseball game. Of course, the Cubs were in the midst of a 37 year drought when this happened, so it doesn't explain everything. But anyone who watched the 2003 NLCS can attest to the power of the goat. The Cubs led 3 games to 1, and led 3-0 in the top of the 8th at home in Game 6. They also had a 5-3 lead in Game 7.

Brutal.

2. Cleveland Indians: The Indians haven't won since 1948, but I attribute that to their racist mascot. However, they can still be in the club despite the fact that they have brought this suffering on themselves because I just feel so sorry for Cleveland. We stand with you, Cleveland. I'd love to see Brian Wilson pitch to Lebron. That would be #6 in my "Weird-nonsensical sports fantasies" right after "The Stanford Tree running crossing patterns in the NFL" and "Shaq taking the bronze in women's speed skating."

3. City of Washington D.C.: The nation's capitol hasn't won a World Series since 1924, and has had to watch their team leave town twice and stand by while cities like Tampa Bay and Denver got expansion teams. And now, on the cusp of revitalization, they get a sensation like Stephen Strasburg and then....ugh. Next we'll find out that Bryce Harper is going to pull a Glenn Coffee and leave baseball to become a monk in the most esteemed temple of the High Priest Moonbeam Figtree.

4. Milwaukee Brewers: 40 years without a title. That gets you in the club. Plus I've been to a Cardinals-Brewers game in Milwaukee and it was very much like attending a Yankees-Orioles game in Baltimore. That is to say, too many fans of the road team were:
a) in the stands
b) acting with a sense of entitlement and superiority
I look forward to the Giants raising their championship flag against the Cardinals.

5. Pittsburgh Pirates: The Pirates won a title 31 years ago, but that's like saying somebody whose wife left them and hasn't had a single date in 18 years is doing alright because they dated a model once in college. Plus I feel partially responsible since their decline began with Bonds leaving. Not that Bonds to the Giants didn't make a ton of sense, but still. At least they have the Steelers.

Honorable Mention: All those new teams that have never won anything: There are different levels, though. No team created since 1980 is on that list (Rays, Rockies). The Mariners are on that list, having never made the Series. Texas is on that list. And I guess the Astros. The state of Texas has won ONE world series game in history. Guess who that game was against?

Us.

See? In the words of Giants fan Rob Schneider:

"Oh no! We suck again!"

SAT Question of the Day

Do you get these in your email?

I think they're pretty cool.

SAT QUESTION OF THE DAY
JANUARY 7th, 2011
Reading Comprehension
Please read the following passage and then answer the question below

"We always wondered if Grandpa was a few NRA bumperstickers short of a Rockies tailgate party (if you know what I mean), but when he told us about the 2010 baseball season, we really started to worry that he was losing it. "That Bengie Mo-lina was one bad dude!" he said as we sat around the living room, watching the Tokyo Marlins battle the Mexico City Rays. "I tell you in the year 2010, that Bengie Mo-lina hit for the cycle! What a doozy! And then the Giants won the World Series!" We all laughed. "So what, Grandpa?" I said. "They win it every year! Seventy-two in a row now!" Grandpa rocked back and forth and smiled and then pulled out his iLife. "Gotta text Grandma to bring me some more puddin'," he said. "Back then, children, the Giants never won the World Series. But let me tell you a story. One day, we were watching the playoffs, and that manager of ours, Bob Bruceky, I think his name was, he brought in Sergio Romo to face that actor from King of Queens. I yelled at the TV, I did. 'Not Romo!' 'Why, Bruskansky, why? Why not that strange man with the beard! He's a doozy! Bring him in!' But did Bobsky listen to me? No. He brought in Romo anyway, and we nearly lost. Hold on, I gotta get on skype and tweet that woman about my puddin'."

Which of the following sentences is not correct?
a) Bengie Mo-lina hit for the cycle.
b) The Giants won the 2010 World Series
c) That strange man with the beard...he's a doozy
d) We nearly lost
e) All of these
f) None of these

BREAKING NEWS: Renteria to the Reds: Am I Supposed to Feel Something?

Edgar Renteria has reportedly signed a 1-year, $3 million deal with the Reds, who are from a city in Ohio that I can never spell correctly and I'm in too much of a hurry to use spell check. If I were cool, I would tell you he's going "To The Natti."

But I'm not. Going to do that.

I know I'm supposed to feel something in my soul about the man who hit the greatest homerun in Giants history signing with some podunk NL Central team the following year. I don't. I feel like he hit an amazing homerun and he spent two years sucking up payroll and playing baseball badly and bringing him back would have been more for cosmic karma than out of any modicum of common sense.

I mean, we already have approximately 36 players on our 25-man roster, and we don't need more. If I had my choice between Renteria and Fontenot....honestly? Fontenot. He can play 2nd base in the very, very likely eventuality that Freddy Sanchez and Mark DeRosa both end up in the clubhouse playing cards with bags of ice on various parts of their bodies.

So goodbye, Edgar. We paid you too much money and you hardly played. But we'll always have Arlington.

People Who Read My Blog Are Cool And Frequently Hang Out With Tim Lincecum

24 Days of Magic recently held a Giants trivia contest via twitter, complete with prizes.

2nd Place Prize: Hang out with Tim Lincecum in a bar in 2007! (Time machine not included)

That's 24 Days of Magic reader Seth, who got the silver medal and the accompanying prize.

1st Place Prize: A night of Wii Bowling with Me!

Unfortunately I won my own trivia contest, so it looks like I'll just be trying to beat my own top score. Better luck next time everyone! Seth, keep trying, and some day you might win the grand prize.

Have you ever hung out with a Giants player? Have a cool picture to document the occasion? Send it to us at 24DaysofMagic@gmail.com. Please note we do not accept naked pictures, so if...ok, we do accept naked pictures, but we won't print them (until after the blackmail goes through).

Weekly Divisional Previews: AL EAST

Now that Adrian Beltre has signed with Texas, there is nothing further to discuss, so I'm shutting down the blog. No, I'm not. That would be silly. If I did that, I'd never be able cash in on my Google AdSense because they don't pay you until you make $100 from people clicking on your ads and I've only made $16.60. But once I get $100, I swear I'm out of here. I think I'm making about 1/400ths of a cent per word right now, or, put another way, 3/875th's of a cent per Rowand joke.

Alright, so I have to find something else to talk about. Fine.

Our newest feature will be previews of each division, wild card race, and then the hypothetical playoff matchups. Previewing the playoff matchups is silly and pointless, as predicting what will happen in a 5-game series is just stupid, let alone if you're doing it 9 months before it happens. Hey! Only 9 months until the playoffs! Nice!

The staple of these previews will be measuring each team against last year's performance, and as a measuring stick, I've decided to use the following:

Improvement = A "Spiffy Buster"

Lack of Improvement = An "Angry Brian"

AL EAST PREVIEW

Teams Listed In Order of Projected Finish

1. BOSTON RED SOX

2010 Finish: 3rd
2010 Record: 89-73
2010 Pythagorean (roughly the record they would have had with neutral luck): 89-73
2011 Projection: 96-66
Difference: 7 Spiffy Busters

x7

The Red Sox were pretty good last year despite being boring to the point of frequently turning them off to watch the Jim Lehrer News Hour. Somehow they lost Jason Bay and ended up with more boring above average white guys. Their only interesting pitcher was Pabelbon, who was interesting for bad reasons.
Not this year. Adding Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez and assuming they don't have the injury issues that devastated the 2010 team should make the Red Sox offense scary. The pitching is about what it was last year, but with Buchholz emerging and Lester hopefully healthy, that pitching should be enough to win the AL East.

2. NEW YORK YANKEES

2010 Finish: 2nd

2010 Record: 95-67

2010 Pythagorean: 98-64

2011 Projection: 92-70

Difference: 3 Angry Brians

x3

As far as I can tell, the Yankees accomplished the following this offseason:

a) Resigned Rivera (fine)

b) Overpaid for Jeter (whatever)

c) Lost their set-up man (ugh)

d) Allowed their General Manager to dress up as an elf and rappel down a building (um...)

e) Got older (not good)

I will discuss their playoff fate in the AL Wild Card section, but let's just say if you're worried about what the White Sox are doing, it's not a good year in Yankee Land.

3. TAMPA BAY RAYS

2010 Finish: 1st
2010 Record: 96-66
2010 Pythagorean: 98-64
2011 Projection: 86-76
Difference: 10 Angry Brians
x10

This is a tougher call than some other teams. Losing Crawford hurts. Losing Pena, who batted .194, hurts less. The bullpen appears decimated. The starting pitching is still there, but now there are rumors that Matt Garza is being traded to the Cubs. If that's true, add another 5 Angry Brians. Crawford was the heart of their offense and the bullpen was solid last year and it looks like they're going to lose both Soriano and Benoit. Serves them right for trying to steal the Giants back in 1992.

Also, as my wife constantly points out, the Rays have chearleaders. As such, my wife hates them; baseball teams should not have chearleaders, she says. The base male part of my brain struggles with this argument but then I admit that she's right. It's stupid. And their fans wave cowbells. It's like a USF football game, only with less people in the stands.

4. TORONTO BLUEJAYS

2010 Finish: 4th

2010 Record: 85-77

2010 Pythagorean: 84-78

2011 Projection: 79-83

Difference: 6 Angry Brians
x6

Is there a plan here somewhere? Deep down in the basement of the Rodgers Centre, I can see Blue Jays executives sitting around a table munching Ketchup Chips and discussing their master strategy.

"Okee Dokee, then, eh? If we can cause a big enough earthquake to separate everything west of the Rockies and push it out to sea, then Toronto would have to be considered an AL Central team. And it's aboot time!"

I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that the Blue Jays will not set another homerun record this year and that trading one of their most reliable starting pitchers will not make them better.

5. BALTIMORE ORIOLES
2010 Finish: 5th
2010 Record: 66-96
2010 Pythagorean: 61-101
2011 Projection: 67-95
Difference: 1 Spiffy Buster
x1

Adding Derek Lee and Mark Reynolds is not going to help the Orioles eventually compete for a title. It may not even be much of an upgrade over what they already had. But it is an upgrade. Plus the division got worse. I would project a bigger gain, but according to the stats listed above, the Orioles were pretty lucky to win as many games as they did. Plus I like the picture of Buster on his wedding day. He's so spiffy!

Too bad the Orioles aren't good, because then Luke Scott could be a travelling road show. Everywhere he went, fans would waive birth certificates at him and yell "Go to your filing cabinet!" What's that? A bunch of people believe the same crap he believes? Oh man. Maybe he should run for president. And maybe Newt should do some DH for the Orioles. Can't hurt.

Ask Eric Surkamp Almost Anything!

Big News!

Giants pitching prospect Eric Surkamp has agreed to an interview with 24 Days of Magic.

This is fantastic, and we really appreciate his time.

Eric had a sensational year in San Jose this past season, posting a 3.11 ERA and a WHIP of under 1. One Giants blogger is particularly excited about him.

The interview will take place later in the week, but in the meantime, if you have a question you want me to ask him, email me at 24DaysOfMagic@gmail.com

I can't promise I will ask your question, especially if your question is stupid. If you're not sure if your question is stupid or not, you can use this handy guide.

Sample question:
How many of your pitches would you feel confident, right now, throwing to Albert Pujols?
Stupid? No.

What is the hardest part of being in the minor leagues?
Stupid? No.

What is your favorite flavor of jello? Is it green? I like green.
Stupid? Yes.

Beltre to the Rangers? The Giants Angle

Rumors are swirling that Adrian Beltre, aka the best free agent hitter left on the market, is close to signing with the Rangers. The interesting factor here is that the Rangers already have a 3rd baseman. Of course he can play 2nd base. But they already have a 2nd baseman too. One of them could play DH, but then Vlad wouldn't have a spot on the team, and THEN who would play right field in interleague games? See the problem? It's a complicated web they're spinning down in Arlington, Texas, home to the 2010 World Series runners-up.

The rumor that persists is that if Beltre is a Ranger, then Michael Young will be traded to the Rockies, and hence the possible impact on the Giants.

It's doubtful Michael Young would play 3b for the Rockies.
After all:
2010 OPS
Michael Young: 744
Ian Stewart: 781

But remember, Young is not just a 3b. He can also play 2b.

2010 OPS
Michael Young: 744
Jonathan Herrera: 694

So yes, that's an upgrade.

But now Nolan Ryan is vouching for Young and ESPN is talking about a possible DH/Infield rotation of Kinsler, Young, Vlad, Andrus....etc. So maybe Beltre signing with the Rangers doesn't mean Young is going anywhere after all.

So by reading this post, you have now saved yourself needless further reading of any Adrian Beltre/Michael Young related material and can now focus your attention on something important, such as global warming or horcruxes. You're welcome.

The bottom line as far as I'm concerned is that the teams the Giants beat to win the title continue to improve areas that were already strong and get weaker in areas that needed help.

The Phillies had sensational pitching last year but an underperforming offense. So they lost Jayson Werth and signed Cliff Lee.

The Rangers had a great offense but not enough pitching, so they lost Cliff Lee and are trying to get Adrian Beltre.

The Padres had fantastic pitching and terrible hitting, so they kept all their pitchers and traded their best hitter.

The Dodgers had ok pitching and a bad offense, so they added a pitcher and lost their catcher and added nothing else offensively.

The Rockies had a whole lot of Carlos Gonzalez and Troy Tulowitski and not much else, and they now have the same amount of Carlos Gonzalez and a lot more of Troy Tulowitski and not much else.

This should not make us feel arrogant or smug. After all, we didn't add much either. Oh but we won the World Series. Hmmm. We did add Jonathan Herrera, er, Miguel Tejada. They have the same OPS. So that's good.

Hey, did you know there is zero interesting baseball news out there?
Yeah, don't bother checking any websites or anything. There's nothing.
So now that you know that, you can focus your attention on more important things, like the fact that our new governor has never made a decent action film. Not one. No word yet on whether or not he's ever made a horcrux.

It's 2011. Title Defense Time.

The ball dropped a few hours ago, I think. You know, somewhere east of Sacramento.

But it's now New Year's here in the Bay Area, home to the greatest city in the world, the greatest public university in the world, the best Chinese food outside of China, and the Defending World Series Champions. Among other things.

So from all of us at 24 Days of Magic (yes, all 1 of us), HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It's 2011.
Title Defense Time.
Let's go.