Is it true the Giants signed Jeff Suppan?
-General Public
Apparently it's close to a done deal. We need a 6th starter and Jeff Suppan needs to leave the NL Central because he's already dated all the teams in that division and they're catching on to him and his lifetime 4.69 ERA. They all talk to each other and say things like: "oh God, I dated this guy who was just so mediocre and then he left me for like the Pirates." And then there's an awkward silence when the Cardinals and Brewers realize the Pirates were standing alone over there by the punch bowl, looking forlorn and hearing every word they've said.
So why are we signing him?
As insurance in case Matt Cain decides he's tired of being second fiddle to Tim Lincecum and goes all Tonya Harding on him. Or Bumgarner really gets into a rodeo move during an off-day and fractures his mabibula. Or Zito is traded to the Yankees for Brian Cashman's elf suit. You never know what could happen.
Is he going to sit in AAA waiting for one of these things to happen?
Yes, unless he makes the big league team as a long reliever, in which case he won't get a lot of work because our starters are so good. That would likely mean Dan Runzler is sent to AAA, which would be a surprise move given that Runzler is highly regarded and is a better pitcher than Suppan. And, c'mon, when has Brian Sabean ever acquired an overpaid mediocre veteran player rather than give a young guy a chance?
Can we have a moratorium on all persons who purport to be a fan of a football team whose name rhymes with "Mets" but have never actually been to the city where they play their games from trying to steal the goodwill, underdog, band of misfits mojo that the Giants used in winning the World Series and applying it to their foot-fetish head coach, smack-talking players, and obnoxious know-it-all fans?
-Michael in SF
Yeah, I don't buy the Jets as the heir to the Giants' mojo. The Giants never talked smack about anybody unless you count that one time when Jonathan Sanchez promised a sweep of the Padres, everybody else told him to shut up, we lost 2 out of 3, and then he never talked smack again. Being a band of misfits because you defy the archaic stereotypes of your century-old sport is very different from everybody hating you because you're annoying. And I mean, the Jets did a reality show. There's NO WAY the Giants would ever do that. Right? Right?
How similar do you see the Jets' postseason run to the Giants'? A clubhouse of nutty characters with amazing chemistry who are written off every step of the way.
-Seth in Montana
Seth. You're a Giants fan. So I won't throw you under the bus by reprinting Michael's response to your email that included a valid point about Bochy's wife not making any "ginormous-head fetish" videos. Let's just say....no similarity. But best of luck to your team.
Why haven't you made a cool video like that Sully guy? Are you awkward in front of a camera like Jonathan Sanchez or something?
-Seth in Montana
Oh, c'mon! I just tried to be nice to you! Yeah, I actually am. I'm so awkward in front of a camera that when we watched the film of my wedding after it had been edited professionally, the only shots left were of the cake. Ok, that's not true. The truth is I haven't made a cool video because the video I want to make involves Brian Wilson thumb wrestling a gorilla and the gorilla won't return my calls.
What am I going to do without being able to yell "Jazz Hands!" (after an Uribe homerun) now? Can we ask Miggy to give each homer a little Dave Henderson hop and turn?
-David in SF
Sure. So that will be, what, two hops and two turns for the season?
You haven't made any nerdy Harry Potter references recently. I'm proud of you.
-Anonymous
Thanks, I'm trying hard.
What Hogwarts house do you think all the Giants' starters would be in, though? Just curious.
Oh, no, I couldn't. I really don't think I want to do that.
Of course you do.
Fine.
GryffindorBuster Posey
Andres Torres
Tim Lincecum
Pablo Sandoval
Jonathan Sanchez
Aubrey Huff
(Brandon Belt)
Hufflepuff
Freddy Sanchez
Cody Ross
Matt Cain
Ravenclaw
Brian Wilson
Barry Zito
Slytherin
Pat Burrell
Madison Bumgarner
Not At Hogwarts
Miguel Tejada
(he's a squib)
I really wish I asked a question now! Great Q&A. I was going to ask which Giant you would play spin the bottle with if forced to. But then I think Posey would be everyone's answer.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Eric. And thanks for your question.
ReplyDeleteA decent spin the bottle game requires at least 6 people, so that means me plus five.
I'd probably take:
Posey (obvious)
Wilson ("hey, I kissed Brian Wilson" would make me interesting at parties, at least)
Zito (he's kind of girlish)
Sandoval (I could happily kiss him on the cheek and maybe nobody would notice the difference)
and Amy G.
At that point, I'd say my odds of doing something I'd find gross would be down to 60%.