What Kind of Traitor is Juan Uribe?

How to put into context the great betrayal of Juan Uribe? The man who won the hearts of the greatest city in the world and then decided to jump ship to the 3rd best National League team in the state because he wants to date Rhianna's younger sister?

We could compare Juan Uribe to other sports traitors. Johnny Damon jumps to mind as a classic comparison. Lebron James is probably an over-reaction although at least he didnt' leave Cleveland for its arch-rival (which is, um, Youngstown State, I think). On the other hand, John Buck leaving Toronto for the Marlins is probably an under-reaction.

Instead, I think we should explore the world of movies to determine just what kind of traitor Juan Uribe really is.

Keyzer Soze - The Usual Suspects

On principle, I won't reveal who Keyzer Soze really is because this movie is way too awesome to be ruined. But picture a group of people all fighting for survival as a unit, overcoming lots of long odds (think bad hitting or, say, the feds), only to find out that they've been played by an international crime lord in their midst who then pretty much, well, kills them all.
Uribe-Meter: Too heavy. Unless Pablo ends up with a steak knife in his back and Huff has an "accident" while fishing off San Pedro.
Message: If somebody tells you that you can make a lot of money by robbing a ship full of cocaine and killing a bunch of Hungarian and/or Argentinian drug runners, you should probably tell them you're busy.
Secondary Thought: What if Uribe grew his hair out like that picture of Soze? How awesome would that be?


GOLLUM - Lord of the Rings

This is the kind of traitor who drags it out to the end....is he with us or against us? Look, he's so cute! He's eating a fish! Oh crap he's trying to throw me into the fires of Mount Doom! So it works in a way. It's like Uribe was walking around pretending not to be able to speak english, wearing his cool yellow hair, hitting homeruns, kickin ass, and then suddenly he turns to us and says "Filthy Giantesesses. Uribe will take the precious!"
Uribe-Meter: Eh. It only works if he later reveals that he only stayed with us last year because he wanted a "ring" and that he wanted to be a Dodger all along.
Message: If you're not sure whether to trust your best friend or a bizarre creature who keeps trying to kill you, you probably shouldn't be entrusted with the ring of power.
Secondary Message: If you can photo shop a picture of Juan Uribe eating a fish with his teeth, I will make you Vice President of my blog.


Elsa the Nazi - Indiana Jones

You're super into this woman, and she's super hot (although that picture doesn't really do her justice...she looks more like some people my grandfather hung out with in Scottsdale). Things are going well. No, wait, she's a Nazi and she's going to try to kill you and your dad, who by the way is Sean Connery. How cool is that? Maybe next time go for that chick you met on Cupid.com.

Uribe Meter- Uh, zero. Plus the Dodgers aren't as bad as the Nazis. If I repeat that enough, I will force myself to almost believe it.

Message: There are lots of good women out there. Nobody needs to date a Nazi OR a Dodger fan. Ok, guys?


Robert the Bruce Jr. - Braveheart

Well, the problem with this one is that Robert the Bruce Jr. comes around in the end. Turns out, he's the narrator the whole time! Crazy! So this would only work if Uribe goes to the Dodgers, spends like 3 days there, and then yells at his agent, straps on his old Giants uniform and some badass cleats, and then runs at Matt Kemp with a sword and screams "FREEDOM!" Not likely. More likely is that he is Robert the Bruce, but not, sadly, Jr.

Uribe Meter: For Robert the Bruce Sr., pretty high. Except again the problem is that Uribe left AFTER the good guys won. It'd be like if Scotland gained its independence and THEN Robert the Bruce got all friendly with the King.

Message: If it's like 1200 something or like 1500 something, try not to live on the English Isles.

Secondary Thought: Oh God. The Padres are going to bring up a new reliever. And his name is going to be Robert the Bruce. I'm going to be ill.


CYPHER - The Matrix

"Why, oh why didn't I take the blue pill?"

Because you had heart.

Because you had the Giants in your blood.

Because you were real, man.

Like I said, enjoy the steak. It's not real.

Uribe-Meter: Ding ding ding! I think this is our winner. Passing up on what his soul knows is right to do what his head tells him is more advantageous.

Message: If you're going to take the blue pill, fine. Take the blue pill. But don't take the red pill and then complain about the choice you made.


PETER PETTIGREW - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Nah, probably too much of a stretch. I just liked the picture.

Vote in the poll at the bottom of the screen for your choice!