Saturday, January 15, 2011

Weekly Divisional Previews: AL CENTRAL

As I posted on my twitter account, picking the winner of this division caused me several sleepless nights. I would lie awake and imagine Jim Thome crushing a fastball deep into the night but then the baseball would become black and I would hear Ozzie Guillen yelling at me, calling me a "homosexual midget," and then Ozzie's face would fade into Miguel Cabrera getting drunk and trying to rip my head off and eat my eyeballs.

It was a rough night.

AL CENTRAL PREVIEW
Teams Listed In Order of Projected Finish

1. Minnesota Twins
2010 Finish: 1st
2010 Record: 94-68
2010 Pythagorean (roughly the record they would have had with neutral luck): 93-69
2011 Projection: 95-67
Difference: 1 Spiffy Buster
x1
The Twins lost reliever Jesse Crain, and infielders JJ Hardy and Orlando Hudson. They added a non-concussed Justin Morneau, a healthy Joe Nathan, and Japanese shortstop Tsuyoshi Nishioka. That's not a bad off-season for a team that won the division easily last year. Of course, the Twins' problem isn't winning the division. There's an old joke about the Twins...

Ron Gardenhire is managing one day and the bat boy runs up and says "Mr. Gardenhire! There are a hundred armed men trying to storm the field to kill us!" Gardenhire thinks for a moment and says "bring me my red jacket." They fight the bad guys off and after it's over, the bat boy asks why he wanted the jacket. "So that if I was injured in battle and started to bleed, nobody would notice that I was hurt and have their morale go down."

The next day, the bat boy showed up and said: "Mr. Gardenhire! We're playing the Yankees in the playoffs!" To which the manager replied: "Bring me my brown pants!"

2. Chicago White Sox
2010 Finish: 2nd
2010 Record: 88-74
2010 Pythagorean: 86-76
2011 Projection: 93-69
Difference: 5 Spiffy Busters

x5
Adam Dunn is nice. He'll hit 40 homeruns. Jesse Crain is a good add, especially since they stole him from their main rival. I think the White Sox will improve but they're still a little old. Paul Konerko can order off the senior menu at Denny's and Carlos Quentin is just not as good as, say, Cody Ross. AJ Pierzynski is still a big jerk.

White Sox vs. Yankees for the wild card is a karma-off. As in, whoever has less negative karma gets the nod.

3. Detroit Tigers
2010 Finish: 3rd
2010 Record: 81-81
2010 Pythagorean: 82-80
2011 Projection: 90-72
Difference: 9 Spiffy Busters
x9
Where are all these extra losses going to come from? I know that's what's on your mind. In other words, if the Tigers and White Sox get so much better, who is going to lose more games to offset it? Easy. Tampa Bay. The Tigers added Victor Martinez and Joaquin Benoit which is helpful despite the fact that Martinez has a lifetime batting average in Detroit of .225.

This Tigers offseason had the feel of a man who has pissed off his wife and thinks that buying random glittery jewelry will make her forget. Overpaying for a reliever and an aging catcher who couldn't even put up great numbers in the middle of a great lineup in a hitters' park is not enough to win the division. That said, Cabrera is a stud, the lineup is better, Jackson will probably improve and last year seemed like a fluke.

4. Kansas City Royals
2010 Finish: 5th
2010 Record: 67-95
2010 Pythagorean: 63-98
2011 Projection: 62-100
Difference: 5 Angry Brians
x5
The Royals, you know, have a great farm system. In about three years, the Royals will be awesome. In the meantime, they're bad and getting worse. DeJesus and Greinke are gone. George Brett is gone. Even the awesomely-bad powder blue leisure suits are gone, to be replaced by uniforms that have never been worn after about October 2nd. And yet they're still not the worst team in the division. Pretty incredible.

5. Cleveland Persons of Native American Descent
2010 Finish: 4th
2010 Record: 69-93
2010 Pythagorean: 69-93
2011 Projection: 60-102
Difference: 9 Angry Brians
x9

The Indians have some promising young players, and definitely have more talent on the field than the Royals, but Sizemore will be gone in July and there isn't that feeling of hope that exists deep, deep, deep down in the guts of Kansas City fans, near the digested BBQ. This is a rudderless team that knows it has no chance of competing this year, next year, or the year after that.

Poor Cleveland. I mean, sheesh. When our new site launches, I promise you, Cleveland, we will have a section devoted to you. It will be called: "why?" and will focus on esoteric discussions of God, justice, and flaming bodies of water.

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