1 Day Until NLCS
Thank God we're playing the Phillies. I hear this a lot, actually. See, if we were playing a team worse than us, all sorts of horror would ensue. We would spend the series trying to figure out how we're going to blow it (ok, so Pablo will pinch hit and hit a homerun, but he'll miss 2nd AND 3rd base, and pass Bengie Molina who will come back to us in a trade because Buster Posey will have flown to Chile to rescue the miners, and then they'll bring in Romo and....). We would be nervous.
But the Phillies? I hear Giants fans saying unbearably dumb things like "I don't feel nervous because this is just bonus. We're not supposed to win so it's no big deal if we lose."
Yes. You say that now.
But then we'll take a 2-1 lead in game 1 going to the bottom of the 8th.
Or we'll take a 2-1 series lead.
And then if we blow it, you're not going to be heartbroken? Please.
No, I'm not happy we're playing the Phillies. I would rather play anybody else. But I'm trying to think positive. So, in that vein, this email is dedicated to reasons why I'm glad we're not playing the other 14 teams in the National League. Yay! We're playing the Phillies and not these other chumps! I'm so excited!
Yay!
Ok, here we go.
Atlanta Braves:
We just played them. Did you enjoy that series? Was that fun? You want to do it again, but make it longer? Do you enjoy having Eric Hinske jump on your spleen? You want 3 more games of the Tomahawk Chop? Oh, you don't think it's that annoying? Ok. ooooooooo, oh, oh, oh. ooooooooo, oh, oh. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, oh, oh, oh. Ok, I think I made my point.
Florida Marlins:
We played them in the playoffs twice and both times ended pretty much horribly. In those two series', we played 7 games and lost 4 1-run games. The games in Florida would be attended by two elderly Miamians, Mervyn and Ethyl, and Mervyn would spend the entire time calling Cody Ross a "schmuck." Hanley Ramirez would hit 26 homeruns. They'd bring back Pudge. Oy.
New York Mets:
This would be way worse. This year, we lost back to back games to the Mets on walk-off homeruns by DIFFERENT catchers. Mets fans are generally obnoxious and the media would spend the entire time preparing for the Subway Series to follow. When we lost, and believe me, we would lose, you would want to poke your eyes out. And then they'd lose to the Yankees in like 4 and a half games.
Washington Nationals:
Without Strasberg, I admit they are pretty bad. But what if we LOST???
St. Louis Cardinals:
No thanks. I don't really want to play the Cardinals. Pujols...Carpenter, Wainwright, Garcia. 60,000 angry white people wearing red. Joe Buck would spend the entire time talking about how great the tradition is in St. Louis. What great tradition they have! Oh look, Albert Pujols scratched his nose! He did it with such reverence for the grand tradition of baseball!
Cincinnati Reds:
Hmmmm. This would actually be a good matchup for us. They can't pitch worth a crap. Damn, I wish they'd beaten the Phillies. Oh sorry, i'm supposed to think good thoughts. Chapman vs. Rowand. Chapman vs. Rowand. It'd be the baseball version of Baron Davis posterizing Kirilinko.
Milwaukee Brewers:
Somehow this would end with Craig Counsell going 13-18 in the series with 15 runs scored. He's so scrappy! Their lack of pitching would only make our lack of hitting more painful.
Houston Astros:
George Bush Sr. Sitting behind home plate. With Barbara. Taunting us.
Chicago Cubs:
The worst. We'd actually be the team with the more recent world series victory which is crazy because we've never won a world series. Marmol would become dead to me.
Arizona Diamondbacks:
At some point, they'd strike out 22 times in a game and still win. Their fans will spend the first 6 innings chilling in the pool behind the right-field wall, not even watching the game, and then suddenly Kelly Johnson's HR ball will splash down and they'll all get excited and jump up and down for the television and you will hate life.
Colorado Rockies:
I'm getting a headache.
San Diego Padres:
I'm going to end this email right now. Who did I forget? Oh right.
Los Angeles Dodgers:
At some point, Tim McCarver would say "well, Matt Kemp may not have hit Rhianna, but he sure hit that Madison Bumgarner fastball!" and....ugh.
Hmmmm. Did I leave anyone out? Oh yeah!
Pittsburgh Pirates??:
What if we lost???????????????
My PREDICTION FOR THE NLCS:
Ahem.
Coming up.
here it is:
TORTURE
Today's Poll Question:
What if we lost??? To the Pirates???
A) How did the Pirates get there in the first place?
B) That Parrot would go INSANE
C) Good for them! They haven't won a world series since 1979, whereas we won one...uhhh....never mind. Screw them and their stupid parrot.
D) It'd be like losing to the Phillies, minus the whole "dignity" thing.
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