You know what I'm talking about...it's in the back of the sports page, under the NHL standings and to the left of the fishing report.
Ah, the transaction wire. In this era of crazy contracts and desperate GMs, it makes a fool of all of us.
Arizona
Agreed to two-year multi-million dollar contract with a man named "Putz."
Atlanta
Offered to pay Pittsburgh 5 million dollars if Pittsburgh would agree to take Atlanta's Japanese pitcher away and never bring him back
Chicago
Signed .198 hitter to $10 million contract.
Cincinnati
No transactions. Note: The last time the Reds won a playoff game, Buster Posey was 7 years old.
Colorado
Signed mulletted-hitter to contract that runs through 2020; includes clause for buy-out in event of Mayan end times fulfillment preceeding termination of said contract
Signed average pitcher to two-year $21 million deal, thus underbidding other teams
Florida
Traded all-star 2nd baseman with power to division rival in exchange for journeyman infielder and middle reliever.
Houston
No transactions. Note: Houston was 76-86 last season
Los Angeles
Signed aging infielder with below-average OBP to 3-year, $21 million deal despite infielder's inability to produce valid birth certificate from his filing cabinet
Milwaukee
No transactions. Note: Milwaukee was 77-85 last season
New York
No transactions. Note: New York was 18-144 last season
Philadelphia
Failed to come to terms with free-agent outfielder Jayson Werth
Re-signed allegedly 39-year old pitcher Jose Contreras to multi-year deal
Pittsburgh
Failed to come to terms with free-agent outfielder Barry Bonds.
San Diego
Failed to come to terms with homegrown super-star face-of-the-franchise Adrian Gonzalez.
Failed to come to terms with ESPN4 on proposed Hairston reality show
San Francisco
Agreed to $6.5 million contract with aging shortstop with sub .700 OPS.
Traded OF Aaron Rowand to the Marlins for SS Hanley Ramirez
St. Louis
Agreed to terms with Google Inc. to call team "The St. Louis Googles" in order to save enough money for looming Albert Pujols free agency.
Washington
Signed bearded 32-year old to 7-year, $126 million contract.
Placed P Stephen Strasburg on 538 day DL
Cried
See, I'm okay with the Giants doing not much in particular more than hiring Tejada for one year. I don't expect them to win it all next year (though, really, the team they most resemble historically might be the '72 A's who went on a three year spree).
ReplyDeleteSo I can just relax and enjoy the entire season with a bit of smug satisfaction.
As long as they resigned Huff, and then signed Burrell to some middling contract so they can punch each other in the shoulder with excitement whenever Posey hits a game winner then I'm fine.
It's like a one year victory lap.
Though I'm still pissed the A's didn't offer for Uggla since the Marlins freakin' gave him away.
As long as they punch each other in the non-throwing shoulder. I still think Freddy Sanchez hurt his non-throwing shoulder punching a wall while shadow-boxing and dancing to "Children of the Sky" to get himself pumped up for a game...
ReplyDelete